Father Figures Page #6

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a single payment.

Guys, this has got to be

some kind of computer error.

Check your little computer

things, and you'll find out.

Two for two.

PETER:
My God!

Word on the street is

you even missed

your child support payments.

Come on, man.

Hey, genius,

I don't have any kids.

I'm sorry. Paying your bills,

very basic adult

responsibility.

- Yup. Well said, Pete.

- Thank you.

This is insanity.

I'm calling the police.

Well, feel free,

but it is going to be

pretty embarrassing

when I show them

the paperwork.

I left it in the car.

Kyle, can I have the keys?

And I'll run down there

and get it.

PETER:
Give him the keys.

Thank you.

And make sure they don't

escape in the old Ferrari.

Make sure I don't

steal my own car.

We got this. We got this.

- Yeah, Pete's got this.

- Deadbeat a**hole.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Let me tell you something,

McEnroe,

you're not too big to fail.

That's right.

You failed today.

Because we're taking

your Ferrari.

You just double faulted.

And the bank broke your serve.

- You know what, buddy?

- What?

Life isn't about

just accumulating stuff.

All right?

The fast cars

and the big house in Hawaii

and the white clothes

and the model girlfriend.

This is freaking New York!

This is my wife. Hello.

You think I'm a model?

Well, he doesn't think you're

a model, you're 5'2".

Yeah, she's got

a wedding ring.

I didn't see the wedding ring.

Oh, my God. You know what?

This ain't worth it.

Fine, you guys are right.

I'll just cut you a check.

Could we just

end this, please?

Do me a favor,

go get the check book.

It's in the closet.

My side of the bed, please?

- Okay.

- Thank you.

All good.

ROLAND:
Yeah, it's me.

That Ferrari didn't work out.

You know anybody who can move

a Chevy Malibu?

All right, call me back.

You gotta be kidding me.

Damn it, Lenny.

Where's Roland?

He's coming.

- WOMAN:
Honey!

- MAN:
Yeah?

I've got the check book.

- Great.

- (PETER AND KYLE YELP)

Come on, let's go!

Give me the gun.

Don't point it at me!

- We're taking the Ferrari!

- Pete!

Do it for Dad!

Come on!

Babe, give me the gun!

- Sh*t!

- Go, go, go!

Let go of the f***ing gun!

Stop!

Roland, we got it!

We got the car!

(GROANS)

Stop!

MAN:
Oh, sh*t.

God!

What was that?

I think it was a person.

Roland!

Oh, my God, you killed Dad!

- Roland!

- Dad!

Dial 911!

So, I guess Dad's a bad guy.

Oh, yeah.

I understand

how Luke Skywalker felt now.

Yeah, seriously.

She's really beautiful.

KYLE:
She looks great here.

Glowing.

Roland even looks good.

Who's this?

Who's this guy

with the scratched out face?

Excuse me, Doc.

Doc, any word?

Well, the good news is that

he's in stable condition.

- Great!

- Okay. All right.

The bad news, however,

is that his blood

is AB positive.

What? That doesn't sound...

No, no, it's just that

the blood you gave

is O negative.

Negative? Mine is?

It means that, uh,

he can't be our father.

Genetically.

DOCTOR:
You can go in

and see him if you like.

Thank you.

You're awake.

How you doing there, champ?

Mmm, feeling no pain.

Yeah.

Sorry we ran over you.

And sorry

you're going to jail.

Be good to get off

the hamster wheel.

KYLE:
I hear ya.

PETER:
Hey, Roland,

let me ask you something.

When did you know

that we weren't yours?

I don't know,

like, two minutes ago

when the doc told me.

PETER:
Unbelievable.

So, as far as you knew,

you were intentionally duping

your own sons into

committing a felony?

Yeah. So? Whatever.

Don't be such

a f***ing p*ssy about it.

My dad was an a**hole, too.

He ran out, he was a crook.

Life sucks. Life is hard.

Get over it.

Life is hard, Pete.

Wait a minute. You know what?

F***! I should've known

you guys weren't mine.

'75 you said, right?

Spring of '75?

Right.

I started dating Lenny in '74.

By the spring of '75,

I was doing

my first stint in the joint.

I got busted dealing coke

in this nightclub

by some f***ing disco-permed,

roller-skating,

motherfucking narc.

KYLE:
Wait.

You mean this guy.

ROLAND:
Yeah. That's the guy.

I don't know what pissed me

off more, he put me in jail

or he started

schtupping your mom

the second I was behind bars.

This guy was schtupping

our mother?

Hey. (SIGHS)

That guy is your f***ing dad.

I should've known. You look

like a couple of junior narcs.

Well, do you have a name?

Give me 1,000 bucks

and I'll tell you.

- F*** you! Come on, Kyle.

- Pete...

Okay, nice meeting you.

Roland...

Would you take $400?

- Sparkly P?

- KYLE:
Yup.

You just paid Roland

$1,000 for the name Sparkly P!

You got conned, Kyle!

I paid him $680

and I had $1,000.

I conned him. Yeah!

And now I think we're ready

to make a little inquiry

into this Sparkly P character.

Yeah? Where? The white pages?

Huh? The glitter store?

Do you realize

how insane you sound?

We're going home!

KYLE:
You're just

gonna give up?

We almost got killed!

We? Roland almost got killed.

What are you talking about?

We just had one of the best

adventures of our lives.

No, we didn't.

What happened to

Mr. "I won't rest

until we find our dad"?

The universe

doesn't like quitters, Pete.

You know what?

F*** the universe!

The universe sucks!

Don't say that.

You realize this whole time

it's been telling us it's time

to shut down Operation

Who's Your Daddy?

That's a good name

for it, Pete.

That's a good name

for the quest.

But before we close the book

on Operation Who's Your Daddy,

let me say one thing, Pete...

It's too late.

Kyle, book is closed.

- That's it?

- Yup. That's it.

- You don't want to hear it?

- No!

I got us on the 10:00 p.m.

flight out of JFK.

That is what we're doing.

KYLE:
Look at this poor guy.

No one will even give him

the time of day.

Well, we're not stopping.

We're not picking up

a hitchhiker.

What do you think

is gonna happen?

You think he's gonna just

murder you, rob you, rape you?

Yeah. All three.

Okay, all of the above.

Look at him.

I am looking at him.

You know somebody

your whole life,

and then you wake up

and you realize

you've been

lying next to a racist.

What?

It's not 'cause he's black.

It's 'cause he's a stranger

and a hitchhiker

and could very easily

be a serial killer.

There are

no black serial killers, Pete.

That's a fact.

PETER:
Just don't make

eye contact, please?

Because then

I'll have to pull over,

and it'll be awkward

and we'll have to give him

a ride and all that. Just...

You're looking

in his direction.

I'm not looking.

PETER:
You're totally

turning your head.

- My eyes are wandering.

- PETER:
I'm watching you.

Look this way.

- KYLE:
Pete, I'm not looking.

- Look out the left.

You're totally

looking right at him.

KYLE:
My peripheral vision.

Oh, God damn it!

What? I didn't look at him!

- Ah, he got me.

- KYLE:
What?

(GRUNTS) I blew it.

That one's on me.

- KYLE:
You made eye contact?

- PETER:
Yeah.

Sh*t.

We're still not

picking him up,

so let him down easy.

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