Father Figures Page #5

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Shut the f*** up.

What the f*** kind of B & E

guys are you two a**holes?

We're not robbers.

We're just looking for a guy

named Roland Hunt. That's it.

What do you want with him?

He dated our mom,

Helen Baxter, in the '70s.

Oh, sh*t!

You guys are

Lenny Baxter's kids?

You called her Lenny?

You're Roland Hunt?

I can't believe I almost shot

one of Lenny Baxter's kids!

That is hilarious.

And gave this one

a heart attack.

Yeah.

Almost took you both out.

- Two for one.

- (BOTH LAUGHING)

I mean, I guess

you probably don't think

it's that funny, but...

Oh, f***, yeah,

I'm sorry about the gun.

Listen, I only got this

because we got

a lot of break-ins

in the neighborhood.

Got it for protection.

Better safe than sorry.

Honestly, I don't even like

holding the thing.

Here, you take it.

- No, no, no.

- Come on in the house, boys.

KYLE:
I thought

you were gonna flip him.

You're dangerous.

Mom! We got company!

Mom!

Mom!

Could that be Grandma?

MRS. HUNT:
Hello!

KYLE:
Hi!

Roland!

They got a f***ing gun!

- No.

- Don't hold it like that.

Drop the f***ing gun,

motherf***er.

F***! It's just the gun

you handed me,

like, a minute ago.

Oh, right. Yes. God damn it.

So sorry. Sh*t!

I don't know

what's going on with me.

It's tense with

all the break-ins

in the neighborhood.

I'm really sorry.

Putting this down.

You should've seen

your faces, though.

You looked like

you sh*t yourselves.

They looked scared as sh*t.

- Right?

- (BOTH LAUGHING)

Come on and say hi to Mom.

You're holding it in

such a threatening way.

You can't do that.

Hey, Mom, it's okay.

These are Lenny Baxter's kids.

You remember Lenny?

Oh, Lenny.

What a sweet man!

So, what are you doing here?

Is everything okay

with your mom?

Everything's good.

We're on a quest.

And I'll just

cut right to the chase.

Did you know Lenny

between April and May of 1975?

Know her, like,

in a biblical sense.

Sorry.

No, she's heard it all.

Okay.

Yeah. '75, that sounds

about right. Yeah.

Why do you ask?

We think we're your sons.

Your boys.

Me and Pete.

You're our dad.

(SIGHS)

Hi.

(KYLE INHALES DEEPLY)

Will you just excuse me

for a minute?

That was one of

the most powerful things

I've ever seen.

He just inhaled us.

Yeah.

Did you smell him?

- You smelled him?

- Yes!

What did he smell like?

He smelled like

- home.

- Home?

- ROLAND:
F*** this! No!

- (OBJECTS SHATTERING)

There is no f***ing way

those two jackasses

are my kids!

They don't even

f***ing look like me!

MRS. HUNT:

The one with the beard

has your beautiful eyes.

ROLAND:
Big f***ing deal.

F*** 'em! They look like

a couple of total

f***ing d*ckheads!

Oh... We are not

descended from that.

That's not our dad.

Would you boys like

anything to drink?

I would love a Hinano beer.

I'll see if we have one.

It's an awesome Tahitian beer.

She is so adorable.

I'm out of here.

If he is our father,

I don't want to know.

Come on, Pete.

He's in shock, all right?

I'm getting good energy here.

Based on what?

We are all out of Mojumbo.

But

Roland has something

that he'd like to say to you.

(QUIETLY) I'm sorry.

MRS. HUNT:

I don't think they heard you.

I'm sorry!

Well, three time's the charm.

Oh, this is just

such a blessing.

I'm finally a grandma.

Well, I'm gonna go finish up.

Well, listen.

It's a pleasure. Really.

Something I want to show

you guys. Come here.

Go ahead, guys.

After you.

(WHISPERS) Are you happy?

He's gonna kill us down here.

He's not going to kill us.

Yes, he is.

Is there a light down here?

ROLAND:
No, that bulb's out.

You can use

your phone, I guess.

KYLE:
Did you bring the gun?

PETER:
No,

I did not bring the gun.

- KYLE:
Damn it.

- PETER:
I left it upstairs.

ROLAND:
Take a left

at the bottom of the stairs.

PETER:
Oh, my God.

Why are there mannequins?

KYLE:
Pete, I'm scared.

PETER:
How are

the vibes now, Kyle?

KYLE:
Not good.

There we go.

Now...

I think this is it.

Pete, you want to

do the honors?

(SCREAMS)

ROLAND:
Oh, sh*t!

That is the wrong box.

Sorry.

Uh...

Gotta be this one.

Okay.

I'll do it for you.

No rodents.

Go ahead.

Is that Mom?

What?

Oh, my God.

Look at you guys.

You look incredible.

Yeah, she looks really happy.

She was

just an amazing woman.

Okay.

You don't have to tell us

what an amazing lay she was,

and how suckable

her candied nipples are...

What the hell is the matter...

This is your mom

we're talking about. Jesus.

Pete! That's not appropriate!

Sorry, Roland.

ROLAND:
Whatever, anyway.

(SIGHS) My point being,

she's the only woman

I ever truly loved.

Oh, man.

I think that's why I got

a little kind of

bent out of shape

upstairs there

when you guys dropped

the bombshell on me,

and, honestly,

I was just kind of

regretting

what might have been.

Hmm.

I mean, I'm not

exactly living the dream here.

PETER:
Sometimes, um...

You just...

Sometimes

you just find yourself

not where you want to be.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Thanks, Pete.

Well, I got a work thing,

guys. I gotta go. Sorry.

What, you got like a little

Wall Street deal going on?

ROLAND:
No. I'll tell you

what I've learned.

You've got to diversify.

And I don't care

if you're making

10 grand a year or 10 million.

You don't want it

all coming from one place.

That's how guys get burned.

Really?

PETER:
Oh, yeah. Don't want

all your eggs in one basket.

Come on.

ROLAND:
Lately,

I've been doing

a lot of work with creditors.

Helping them to

reacquire merchandise

when the debtor can no longer

afford the payments.

KYLE:
Oh, like a repo man.

ROLAND:
Yeah, exactly.

Of course now, I gotta call

a f***ing cab

just to do this job.

KYLE:
We can

give you a ride, right?

ROLAND:
Oh, no, I couldn't

impose on you guys.

PETER:
Oh, come on.

Besides, it can be dangerous,

repo work.

You know, people don't like

having their stuff

taken from them.

Hey, people don't like having

their anuses probed either,

but that's how I've made

a living the last 12 years.

As a doctor.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Come on. Let us help you.

So, what happens

if they show up

while you're doing this?

Well...

Hope for the best, prepare

for the worst, you know?

If he does show up,

you can expect to hear

some top-shelf bullshit.

Is that right?

"Repossessed? I've never even

missed a payment!

"Got to be a computer error."

That is classic bullshit.

ROLAND:
They're late

on their child support,

they'll even deny

they have kids.

PETER:
What?

God! Just sick.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Got to love that sound,

huh, Pete?

- There you go.

- Oh, wow!

Plus, there's only

going to be room for

- two of us, so who draws...

- KYLE:
Shotgun!

Oh, f***, f***, f***.

ROLAND:
No, no. No worries.

We're within

our legal rights here.

Just doing our jobs.

What the f*** you doing

to my property?

Your car's being repossessed.

I'd advise you

to just stand back

and let us do our jobs.

You're going to

repossess my car?

I've never missed

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