Father Figures Page #4

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as a slight breeze,

and God, I'd go off.

Hey, say hello to this guy.

Mr. Powder Keg.

Horrible temper.

Shut the f*** up.

TERRY:
Your mother, boy,

she had this amazing

patience about her.

She had this way of channeling

all my anger

into things that were good.

Not only on the field,

but, you know, off the field.

God!

That woman

just drove me crazy sometimes.

That sounds like Mom.

I know one thing.

I wouldn't have made it

through a single season

had it not been for your mom.

That's the truth.

God, I loved that woman.

I really did.

Wow. That's...

That's beautiful.

Hey, Terry.

Hey, you want to see

someone who can catch,

hit me on a bomb.

Go, go.

- Oh!

- (KYLE GROANS)

(TERRY AND PETER GASP)

KYLE:
God! (GROANS)

Sorry, son.

Old habits die hard.

Rod Hamilton.

Big fan.

I played 10 years

with that guy.

He missed me so much,

the bastard

moved in next door.

- (LAUGHS)

- Hey! You still got it, Rod!

He caught the ball.

I love it.

He's still on the juice, baby.

He's still on the juice.

(LAUGHTER)

To Rod.

PETER:
Just demolished you.

You son of a b*tch.

You need some Advil.

Hey, Rod.

Does the name

Helen Baxter ring a bell?

Ring a bell?

It does more than ring a bell.

I think I just

came in my pants.

- No, Rod...

- ROD:
Damn, man.

That woman could f***.

TERRY:
Oh, Rod,

you really might...

ROD:
Look, the woman

was like a dick whisperer.

Like, she'd get all up inside

the head of the dick

and know exactly

what it wanted.

Yeah, she'd get

all up in that shaft,

and then in them balls

and in the tip.

Ooh. I'm getting hard

just thinking about it.

So, what makes you think

about Helen Baxter?

- She's our mom.

- Yeah.

I don't know no Helen Baxter.

Sounds like you did.

All we did was cuddle.

Word.

(STAMMERS) It's okay, Rod,

you didn't know.

It's a little awkward,

but, yeah, she's our mom.

Hey, Rod, turns out,

I'm their father.

- KYLE:
That's right.

- How about that?

These are my boys.

How about that?

- Whoa! (CHUCKLES)

- TERRY:
Yeah!

Congratulations.

Thank you. Cheers.

Evidently, I knocked Helen up

sometime after Super Bowl IX.

Yeah, we were reading,

that's when you went off

to Australia

to record the country

and western album.

Cowboys and Kangaroos,

I believe was the name.

That sh*t was awful,

wasn't it?

You realize what that means...

What?

We were conceived

in Australia.

- KYLE:
Yeah.

- PETER:
We're Aussies.

Out in the outback.

TERRY:
No, Pete.

You know,

now that I think of it,

Helen didn't make that trip.

We got in this big fight

'cause she didn't

have a passport.

God, I was such a jerk to her.

ROD:
Wait, wait.

Isn't that when she started

dating the Wall Street guy?

Yeah, that skinny,

white dude,

he used to throw around

his money and coke.

Roland.

Yeah, yeah, Roland.

Roland Hunt, a**hole.

- Nobody liked him.

- No.

Yeah.

What? No.

Terry.

Come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, wait.

Look at him.

He actually looks like Roland.

No, I don't.

You know, you do.

You do, Pete.

The, uh, eyes?

The nose?

ROD:
The peanut head.

TERRY:
The long, skinny neck.

ROD:
The mouth?

TERRY:
Yeah. The mouth.

No, he's right.

You just said Roland was an

a**hole, nobody liked him.

Why would Mom sleep with him?

Charity f***? I don't know.

No, no.

We already figured this out.

Terry is our dad.

You're our dad, right?

Uh... No.

TERRY:
Gosh, fellas.

I don't know what to say.

I'm so sorry

I'm not your dad. Really.

- That's all right.

- Yeah.

- It's not your fault.

- Donald. Thanks.

It's still Kyle.

Was that fun, throwing

the ball on the beach?

So fun.

You guys are good, good hands.

I thought it was a blast.

I love you, Terry.

Yeah. Okay.

KYLE:
We'll see you

down the road.

All right, man. All right.

Y'all be good, hear?

You take care, Mr. Bradshaw.

I will.

Hey, tell your mom I said hi.

All right?

Yeah.

All right. See you guys!

Hey, maybe you'll get along

even better with Roland.

Aren't you bummed out

Terry Bradshaw's not our dad?

How f***ing cool

would that be?

KYLE:
Listen,

the universe

is saying look 'em up.

And the universe has

a tendency to point you

in the right direction

if you listen to it.

(KYLE SIGHS)

PETER:

I found a Roland Hunt,

investment banker,

in Beacon, New York.

Two hours north of Manhattan.

KYLE:
All right, looks like

we're going to New York.

Make it quick!

I'm pulling out in 30 seconds.

Time me.

I want to get to Roland's

office by noon.

Twelve. 13. 14.

- (URINATING)

- (EXHALES)

MAN:
Alex, stop it.

Stop it, Alex.

Get back here right now.

No! It stinks!

(KYLE LAUGHING)

You got a jail break there.

MAN:
Sorry, man.

I'd come out if I could.

Just let me know

if he's bothering you.

He's doing good.

I actually got

a bun in the oven, too.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Whoa. I got a call.

Alex, excuse me.

Kapono, talk to me.

(KAPONO CHATTERING ON PHONE)

What? No, no,

you're breaking up.

They're going another way?

What does that mean?

(URINE SLOSHING)

Hey! Whoa, whoa! Hey! Whoa!

I've got flip-flops on!

MAN:
Is he peeing on you?

Yeah, has he done this before?

MAN:
Unfortunately, yes.

It's a real problem.

Sir, this is crazy,

but you're going to

have to pee on my kid.

You want me

to pee on your kid?

MAN:
Please, dad to dad.

He needs to

learn consequences.

I'm not going to...

Do you hear that, Alex?

Is that what you want?

Stop!

There! Yeah.

Chaos theory.

He started it.

I swear. This is justified.

Hey. That kid had it coming.

How much did Ethan cost?

Well, we didn't buy him.

To raise him. I know

you guys didn't buy him.

Um, well...

Four more years

of private school,

four years of college,

tutors, summer camp.

Every single Apple product

that ever comes out.

Uh, once all said and done,

we're probably pushing a mil.

A million dollars?

To raise a kid?

What do you care?

You're loaded.

Besides,

"Money's never wasted

on the ones you love." Right?

No, I know. I was just worried

about you and Ethan.

Good thing Roland's

a financial wizard, right?

PETER:
I thought

we were going to his office.

This is all residential.

KYLE:
Maybe

he works from home.

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Destination is on your right.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Why are you copying me?

- I just did that.

- I'm not copying you.

I did all of those things.

You weren't

touching this thing.

This is cold.

So?

I don't think anyone's

been here for hours.

Door knob tell you that?

These are painted shut.

PETER:
So, what?

Kyle, where are you going?

Come on! Kyle.

This is locked.

Of course it's locked.

He's not home.

Come on. What are you doing?

You hear those vibrations?

You're hearing vibrations?

'Cause I'm getting

a weird vibe.

Oh. Oh, God.

Looks like you picked the

wrong house, motherfuckers.

Pete, don't do anything funny.

Why would you

put that in his head?

KYLE:
No karate.

F***ing no karate.

I haven't done karate

in 30 years.

He's got a gun.

And that beats karate.

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