Father Figures Page #3

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E.coli and stuff.

It's just something

to be aware of, you know.

Something to keep in mind

in your fruit-related

endeavors moving forward.

He's a doctor.

Always saving lives.

Oh, a doctor.

Dr. Reynolds. (GIGGLES)

- I'll be careful.

- Yes.

You're welcome. Be careful.

(CHUCKLES)

God!

What are you doing?

What?

You guys had some chemistry.

I was trying to facilitate it.

I think it's called

being a wingman.

I don't need a wingman.

All right?

I'm not on this trip

to get laid.

Come on.

There was a little electricity

there between you two.

Did you notice

a little chemistry there

between them?

I bet she's a real cock tease.

Yeah, right. Stop projecting.

Listen,

how many women have you

been with since the divorce?

Ten?

Yup. Ten.

And it's been a year?

- Three.

- Ten in three years?

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

I'm really sorry.

I had no idea.

I'm being sarcastic.

I haven't had sex with anyone

since Katherine.

I haven't had sex with anyone

besides Katherine.

We got married in college.

Remember?

What?

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to

Miami International Airport.

Peter, Peter, Peter,

is it like a physical thing?

- PETER:
What?

- KYLE:
Is it like a blood flow?

PETER:
God, no!

No, my penis is fine!

Well, what is the deal?

Ever since the divorce,

I've been a little

depressed, okay?

That makes sense.

And it just...

Don't patronize me, okay?

You wouldn't know

anything about that.

Of course I do.

You don't think I know

what it's like

to be depressed?

The saddest

I've ever seen you is like...

I've never seen you sad!

You can't get into

a contest...

That is actually sad.

...on who's more sad

than the other guy.

That's weird!

No. It's weird

that you keep...

Dr. Reynolds, good luck

meeting your father.

Thanks. Good luck

with your uniform.

(FLIGHT ATTENDANTS GIGGLING)

No, I'm not going to let you

do that anymore.

Do what?

Just deliberately

self-sabotage. Okay?

The top mission

is still bonding with Dad.

Sub-mission

is getting you laid.

Mission below that is gonna be

having stone crabs.

Mission below that,

swimming with dolphins.

PETER:
Hey, when we

get to the dealership,

you have to do

all the talking.

KYLE:
You cannot be nervous,

Peter. He's a regular guy,

just like us.

TERRY:
There you go.

Thank you.

Don't forget to buy a car.

Just kidding. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, fellas, how you doing?

Hi, Terry Bradshaw.

- Yeah.

- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Is he okay?

Aw! Bless his heart.

You're one of my special fans,

aren't you?

Hey, bub.

How you doing? God bless you.

Oh, no. He's not special.

No, no. I am special, Pete.

We're both special.

Do I know you?

Oh, I don't think so.

I'd remember.

TERRY:
Really? Are you sure?

You really do look familiar.

- Show him.

- PETER:
Yeah.

Well, um...

Do you remember a woman

named Helen Baxter?

Helen Baxter?

Helen Baxter...

Oh, my God.

Wow.

God.

Well, talk about

a blast from the past.

(BOTH GASP)

This woman was something else.

She had the tightest ass

you've ever seen.

I mean, awesome.

Yeah, but Helen was

much more than that.

She had a mouth.

Oh!

And a tongue. Oh!

(CHUCKLING)

And I'm telling you,

it damn near cost us

the Super Bowl.

Well, Mom was

a Browns fan so...

Did you say

that Helen is your mother?

Yeah.

Well, technically, I said it,

sir, because we're...

We're both her sons.

We're twins.

You're Helen Baxter's son?

We're both her boys, yes.

That is...

That is what

we are saying. Yes.

How is she?

- Well, she's great.

- Yeah.

You know, uh,

she just got married.

And she's a lot different

than how you remember her.

That's for sure.

KYLE:
Just a little.

Oh, my...

KYLE:
Say it.

Say it.

You're my son, aren't you?

I... I think so.

Well, technically,

we both are because,

like I was saying earlier,

we're twins.

We're both her sons.

You're my son.

Yes.

(GASPS)

Come here. Come here.

Oh, this is just amazing.

Oh, my God.

I had no idea

that she was even pregnant.

You gotta believe me.

Helen never...

She never said a word.

We know. Don't worry about it.

I mean, I can't believe this.

I mean, you guys have been

out there the whole time.

- It's really emotional.

- I know, yeah.

I already have a son.

His name is Trent.

But he's kind of a nob.

Do you know what I'm saying?

So is my son.

Oh, man.

Do you have any plans?

You guys got anything to do?

No.

Look, why don't you come over

to the house,

and we'll have

some food and drinks.

- What do you say?

- That would be incredible.

- Great. Yeah.

- Okay?

Uh... (STAMMERING)

Pete, why don't you

ride with me.

And, Donald... Donald,

you can just follow, okay?

Okay. It's Kyle.

Is this your car?

Yeah. This is a '75 Stingray.

It's my favorite car!

Literally!

You like it? Really?

Here. You drive.

Donald,

see if you can keep up.

- It's still Kyle.

- Come on. Let's go.

You like this, huh? (LAUGHS)

This is amazing, Mr. Bradshaw!

Please.

Just call me Terry, okay?

PETER:
All right!

Well then Terry it is!

- (ENGINE REVVING)

- Whoo!

KYLE:
Okay,

take it easy, lead foot.

I'm in a Ford Focus here.

Damn it, slow it down!

(TERRY LAUGHS)

TERRY:
Hey, hey, I'm home!

Did you pick up the

fresh garlic I needed?

The fresh garlic.

No, I didn't get

the fresh garlic.

Got something better, though.

Oh, what did you pick up?

I picked up a son. (CHUCKLES)

Pete. Say hi, Pete.

Hi.

How are you?

(CHUCKLES) Pete.

This is a joke. Right?

No, no, this is not a joke.

His mother and I used to have

unprotected sex all the time.

Don't worry, Pete. All right?

She knows

all about my crazy past.

I'm Peter Reynolds.

So glad to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, Peter.

Sweetie, could I have a word

with you in the kitchen?

- Me? Okay.

- Yeah.

Hey, Pete,

make yourself at home.

My home is

your home now. (CHUCKLES)

My home is your home now.

- Can you believe I said that?

- Yeah, I heard that.

I think we need to,

kind of, just talk.

TERRY:
What?

What do you wanna talk...

Listen, sweetie,

this is insane, okay?

You can't just invite somebody

into our home.

I mean, he could be, like,

a con artist

looking for money.

- Money? You're serious?

- Yes. Did you think about...

- Yes.

- No way.

Pete!

Do you need money?

Are you here to rob us?

Oh, no, I'm good.

I'm a physician actually.

Did you hear that?

My boy is a doctor. (LAUGHS)

You're a doctor, son.

Proud of you!

Thanks!

TERRY:
I've got

a doctor in my family.

Go deep, Pete! Deep, deep!

- (GRUNTS)

- (TERRY WHOOPS)

Nice grab, Pete!

Atta boy! Great catch, son.

Way to go, babe.

I gotta tell you, Pete.

Had a bit of a colon cancer

scare a few years back.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Thank God I had a good GI doc.

I know you guys, you know,

you catch a lot of guff.

But, man,

it's a noble profession.

Noble as heck.

Really appreciate

you're saying that.

Really do.

Be cool, man.

You know, when I first came

into the league,

I was a bit of a hot head.

I mean, it didn't take so much

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