Father of Invention Page #5

a lot of videos,

a couple

at Mount Rushmore.

Oh man, I gotta go to this fundraiser

thing, man, before Lorraine kills me.

You see? That's another reason

you're broke... too much philanthropy.

What is it now?

Oh, let me guess...

the Indigenous Giraffes'

Sperm Foundation

for the Pigmies

Who Have Lung Cancer

and Don't Have Mosquito Nets

Foundation?

It's Claire's event, Axle.

We teach them interview skills

and how to build a resume.

The women are really using

the resources we provide for them

to go out into the world

and find jobs on their own.

This is an amazing project.

You should be very proud.

Thank you.

Oh, this is my roommate Phoebe.

I'm a lesbian.

Oh, isn't that wonderful for you?

It is actually.

Well, have you guys seen

the silent auction?

No, I haven't seen it yet.

I would love to.

Don't you take

one more step, Axle.

You have to leave now.

Hey, it's a fundraiser, Medusa.

I'm here to raise funds.

Medusa.

It's like Madonna, but it's...

Hi Axle.

- Hi.

- Somehow, someway

none of these people know

you're associated with Claire.

Then it shouldn't be a problem

that I'm here.

You're a piece of work,

you know that?

I'm a piece of work?

You're the one that blew $362 million.

At least I lost my half giving it

to my victims. What's your excuse?

My excuse is that money was cursed.

It took me eight years

and every fiber of my being

to get rid of it,

and now that it's gone,

I'm so glad...

Hi Axle. I'd like you to meet my

parents... Howard and Penny Camp.

- Hello.

- Hello.

How nice that you and Lorraine

can put aside your differences

to support Claire

on her special night.

Well, Claire has always

come first in our family.

Listen, Axle, I...

I'll admit that when I found out

that my daughter Donna was gonna be

living with a convicted felon,

that I was... I'm sorry...

rather uncomfortable.

But then

we started going through

some of Donna's old stuff.

Getting ready to convert her bedroom

into a guest room.

And they found my old

Light-O-Saurus.

And when we heard

that you had designed that

for Claire back in the day,

well, we were damn near

moved to tears.

He is good.

Isn't this wonderful... this event?

Just wonderful.

Penny Camp,

what is it about this event

that's so wonderful?

People helping people.

Bingo. You said it.

That's it.

In a word... community.

Culture and community.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if all of us could do just that...

come together

as a community, as a culture...

I mean,

ask yourselves this question:

How many women

has this center helped

get off drugs just this year?

- God, he thinks it's a drug center.

- Community, culture.

Culture, community.

Believe me,

when I started my company

I hadn't a pot to piss in.

Look at these women

on these walls,

putting things in their bodies

that just harm them.

And this place helps that.

Well, all of you should

get out your checkbooks right now

and write a big check

for my daughter.

There's no reason she should

have to do this for herself.

We've all got to get on

this bandwagon.

Let's make that wall of success

a world of success.

What do you say?

Hi.

What the hell was that?

Well, I don't know. You tell me.

Seems to be some big event

that everybody got invited to tonight

except me.

That's exactly why

I didn't invite you... that speech.

What's the matter with my speech?

I was doing my bit.

I had them eating

out of the palm of my hand.

It's a center for women's employment,

not a drug rehab.

That's how blind you are.

Well, what difference does it make?

Drugs, employment...

it's all about helping p...

all right, never mind.

You don't have to worry about me

anymore, 'cause you know what?

I've got a whole new thing happening,

and come Tuesday...

Let me guess...

the great Robert Axle will be back

in all his glory.

God, it's like you want me

to stay like this...

homeless, without a job.

Would it really be so bad

if I started to do well again

after what I've been through?

My parents thought

you were awesome.

And that speech was amazing.

Don't give up, Axle.

You guys will figure it out.

Okay, item one...

one-of-a-kind Light-O-Saurus

signed by Robert Axle,

as seen in the original infomercial,

Daddy, you did it.

You sold it.

No no, baby, we did it.

We sold it.

And you know why?

You brought my picture with you?

Yes, I did.

Oh goodness. Oh goodness.

Oh my goodness,

what happened?

It's unbelievable

how cute you are.

Oh, you think she's giggling?

You're gonna like what I have

to give you even better.

Oh.

You should have grabbed yourself

a raincoat, Axle.

Oh thanks.

I would have never thought of that.

How are things going

with your daughter?

Uh, good.

Yeah? So she's getting past

her abandonment issues?

I mean, most kids never really forgive

their parents for going away to prison.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Part parole officer, part uncle,

part therapist.

Yeah, well, why don't we just stick

to the part parole officer part?

Okay, how are things going

at Family Mart?

You know, what can I say?

Family Mart is Family Mart.

Troy told me

he had to let you go.

You know, a big part of this program

is keeping a steady job, Axle.

wind up going back to prison...

Whoa whoa whoa, you just

told me last week it was 62%.

Did I?

Well, there's a new report.

The numbers have gone up.

Oh great.

- Phoebe. Phoebe!

- What?

- Phoebe!

- What?

Where's Rock Band?

Son of a b*tch. Ooh.

What happened?

My ex...

that b*tch stole my sh*t!

Wow, things are nasty

when chicks break up.

Oh, it's gonna get really nasty!

Oh sh*t.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm here to make a deposit.

- Okay.

Oh, you're with the center.

I love that. I was just

telling my sister all about it,

- how they help the women...

- That's right.

...with jobs and everything.

That's great.

Oh.

Do you know you've bounced

a couple of checks this week?

Hey, have you applied

for any grants?

Yes, grants are really hard...

- sorry, hold on one second.

- Well, maybe...

- One second, sorry. Donna.

- Claire, I have to tell...

- I'll call you back, okay?

- No no no no.

- Just don't do anything stupid.

- I'm not gonna do anything stupid.

I'm just gonna march up to the door

and I'm gonna be like,

"Give me back

my Rock Band, b*tch!"

- Donna, I'm busy.

- Wait, Phoebe...

- What up, Phoebe?

- B*tch, give me back my Rock Band.

Whoa, what's with

the Louisville Slugger?

What, did you join the all-dyke

softball league?

- Hey!

- Give me back my Rock Band.

Then give me back the $4200

that I spent on your fake titties!

Stop talking sh*t about my tits.

They're great, a**hole.

You want your game?

You want your game?

Your ex is a guy?

I thought you were a lesbian.

I am.

Here's your game.

Here you go.

Don't break it.

How about some drums, huh?

You want some drums?

Yeah? Yeah?

Who the hell is he?

You're worthless, Phoebe.

You are worthless.

You're never gonna get a man like me.

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