Fever Pitch Page #2

Which means he has

a small... income.

All right, people, let's shut your piehole

and speed it back up. Come on!

- Come on!

- Die, you Nazi spin-b*tch.

Hey! Go, run a post. Go!

Oh!

Who did that?

That's it.

You're coming with me, mister.

What do you think,

this is your own private playground?

Get in here.

Thanks, man.

I owe you one.

Go ahead.

Hey, Ben, are you going

to watch the Celtics later?

Uh, I don't know.

You know, there are other sports

besides baseball.

I would debate you, Ed, but that would only

lead to me being dragged away in handcuffs.

Hey, speaking of baseball, Ben, wanna help me

coach the J. V. team this year?

Why? You're doing a great job.

I mean, you cant just go by wins and losses.

Aw, come on, Ben.

The kids listen to you.

I think it's going good

the way it is, you know?

You coach the team,

and I help out whenever I can.

Then, if I don't make it or-

Hey, Rita, when did I get this message

from Lindsey Meeks?

A tip might be where it says

"Time Called: 2:30."

Come on, pull!

So, do you think it'll be a problem

that youre more successful than him?

- Who says I am?

- Well, I mean, at least financially.

It's not like he's playing a flute

with a hatful of dollar bills in front of him.

- He's a teacher.

- Teaching's a cool thing.

Yeah. Besides, why does everything

in my life have to be a trophy?

- I mean, who am I trying to impress?

- Hey, we're on your side.

No, I know.

It's just that I hate when people-

- Ow!

- Oopsie.

Oh, just kill me.

Just take a hammer and kill me.

Oh, sh*t. Who is it?

I -It's me. It's Ben.

Your date?

Oh, God, no.

Oh.

I'm sick. Come back.

I'll call you tomorrow. Go away.

Wait, wait, wait. What kind of sick?

You okay? You in pain?

I-

ate at this new place.

I think-

Are you faking it? 'Cause we don't

have to really do this if you don't-

Mommy.

Ernie, go away.

Ernie, don't eat that!

Oh, sh*t.

Uh-

So, you wanna pull the plug

on this thing or-

All right, here we go.

Come on.

All right, we're almost there.

Okay. Okay.

Now sit right here.

Oh, God!

All right. Okay.

Here. Pick your head up.

Up. Okay, up.

Uh, all right. Um-

Do you have any, like,

pajamas or a nightgown?

In the top drawer.

Top drawer. Okay.

All right, here we go.

Well, Wonder Womans been looking for these.

I gotta call her.

Let her know they're here.

- Okay. All right. I'll help you up.

- Mm-mm.

- Get up.

- I'm sorry about this.

- Don't worry. Come on. Come on.

- I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna help you change, all right?

I won't look. I promise.

- Uh-huh.

- Okay.

Okay, I looked.

Let's get this on.

Get your arms through.

Okay, here we go. You're gonna be okay.

You're gonna be okay.

There's nothing left

to throw up, I promise.

And if you do, here's Mr. Hamper.

Okay? All right.

Here. Drink this

when you feel like you can, okay?

- Thank you. Thank you, Bill.

- All right.

It's Ben.

Okay, go back to sleep.

- Hey.

- Hi.

How you feeling?

Uh, I mean, I'm not about to enter

any pie-eating contests.

Did you clean up my bathroom,

or did I dream that?

Me? No. Uh, the vomit elves came in.

And, uh, really adorable.

Really cute little things.

I mean, little caps and little barf bags.

Well, thank you.

I mean, you really,

really went above and beyond.

Uh, no, please. It wasn't a big deal.

You were very ladylike.

Hardly any "chunk age. "

- What's in the bag?

- I got some, uh-

I got some movies just in case you woke up.

Not in case you woke up.

I knew you were going to wake up.

In case you woke up in the middle of the night.

Yeah? Anything good?

Uh, mostly animated

pornography from Japan.

And a little something

I like to watch too when I feel sick.

Well, for me, it's Annie Hall.

- Wh-What did you say?

- Annie Hall.

Whoa, this is like-

This is unbelievable.

Road House.

Are you feeling- Is this crazy?

I mean, what are the odds?

Spooky.

No, she cannot

have my assistant.

Because I trained Carrie.

I like her.

Listen. Do we have to settle this right now?

I'm with a... person.

Yes. Thank you.

Okay, I'll speak to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.

I'm really, really sorry.

Actually, I'm sorry. I ate everything cool.

I just left you a pile of sauce.

That's okay. Actually, I'm the worst.

I eat off everybody's plate.

In fact, my friends, they call me "the seagull. "

Oh, hi, seagull.

Nice.

No, really, I appreciate you being cool

about the phone thing...

because I once went on a date with this guy

who got so angry I was on the phone...

that he grabbed it out of my hand,

and he threw it in the fish tank.

I would never do that.

What are your pet peeves?

What stresses you out?

- Mm, I got-

- And I'm only asking...

because frankly

the men I meet are highly-

I date poodles basically.

And I'm really relaxed,

you know? Totally.

- Son of a- Stop ringing.

- I got it.

Let me do it.

Let me do it.

Hello? Uh, no, she isn't.

May I take a message?

This is Ben.

I'm her houseboy/sex slave.

Okay. You betcha.

Bye-bye.

Call your mother.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So you don't have a cell phone...

- a BlackBerry, a pager, nothing?

- No.

Well, what if

some sudden crisis occurs...

like your father has a heart attack

or something?

- My father died two years ago.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I just found out this morning,

so it's been a rough 24 hours.

You know, maybe I should get a cell phone.

That's a good idea.

- You're funny, Ben-

- Wrightman.

- Wrightman. Yeah.

- Yeah.

- You forgot my last name.

- No, I just blanked.

I know why you forgot. That's all right.

I bet when you talk to your friends...

you call me Ben the schoolteacher,

am I right?

- Well?

- That's okay.

What do you call me

to your friends?

I call you Lindsey...

the vomit girl,

the puker, Pukey.

Everyone says, "You going out with Pukey

tonight?" I'm like, "Yeah. Why?"

"You wanna play video games or something?"

I'm like, "No, I'm going out with Pukey. "

That's horrible.

Hey, anything I've said about you would be

an understatement, really.

- Hey, Lindsey!

- Hi!

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm Ben the schoolteacher.

Ian. Sarah.

- Steve. Molly.

- Oh, thanks for having me.

- Robin and Chris.

- Welcome aboard.

Well, let's start

the interrogation.

No, no, it's not like that.

Here. It's for the urine sample.

Shoot, I wish you would have told me.

I just took a whiz in your bushes.

Do you want to-

Show him the house.

- Lindsey, this Ben guy has got such a good vibe.

- Good.

- And he's nothing like the guys you usually date.

- I know.

- And how cute is he?

- Yeah? Well, I'm really glad you guys feel this way...

because if you didn't, I was gonna

have to find three new friends.

- No, no, no, I really think you've got something here.

- Me too.

Yeah, but... something's

not quite right.

- Robin.

- No, no, he's great.

He is. I love him.

He's a doll.

- But he's not 22.

- So?

So, where's he been?

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