Fever Pitch Page #3

Why is he still on the market?

- Um-

- Maybe he hasn't found the right person yet.

Well, by now he should be

with the wrong person.

How has he not been

tranquilized and tagged?

Let me get this straight.

You got two season tickets

behind the Red Sox dugout?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. My uncle left them to me.

- Behind the dugout?

Yeah. Well, not really behind, like next to it.

Fifteen feet away.

You can see right into it at a certain point.

It's pretty awesome.

Let me ask you this.

Do you find my wife

attractive at all?

'Cause we could work

something out.

Well, do you?

You know what you need to do? You need to

go to his apartment and go through his things.

You need to go through his closets,

sofa cushions. You need to get on his computer.

And what exactly

am I looking for?

Anything that explains

why hes still single.

My company can run

a credit check on him.

You know, he could be

a deadbeat dad.

This is an insane asylum.

So, uh, when they wheeled out

Ted Williams at the all-star game-

I was there.

I was 10 feet away from him.

Old men crying.

Tears.

Tough old guys.

I even started

to lose it, you know.

I got a program.

I could show you.

If Lindsey ever breaks up

with you, I'll kill her.

Lindsey, do you remember

that guy Maureen Durst went out with?

- Uh, sort of. Why?

- Terry whats-his-name?

We all thought

he was great too.

- Well, what happened?

- Oh, my God. She went to his apartment and-

Shh. My story. Stand by.

She's at his place.

He's in the shower.

She wants to make the bed, so she goes

to the closet. Guess what she finds.

Oh, I don't know.

What'd she find?

Two large plastic bags containing

all of the hair and nail clippings...

from his entire life.

Eww!

- Eww!

- That's a true story.

I'm telling you, there is a reason

this Ben guy is still single.

- Come on!

- I promised him we'd wait.

- We're always waiting for him.

- I gave him my word.

You guys wait?

- Yeah.

- Come on, man.

- Did anyone die because youre here?

- No, no, no.

I got another anesthesiologist

to cover for me.

All right, are you ready?

Hey, come on! God.

A new season.

A clean slate.

Yep, this smells like the year.

- Hey, you wanna know something?

- What?

- I like you.

- I like you.

No, I mean, I really like you. I even wrote down

a list of all the things I like about you.

You made a list?

Yeah. I don't have it with me,

but I can remember it.

I'll skip down because

the first six are all body parts.

Uh, number seven:

I like that you drink in the afternoon.

Number eight:
I like sometimes you talk

out of the side of your mouth a little bit.

And it's like- it's like an adorable

stroke victim.

I do?

No, it's very cute.

It really is. Uh, number nine.

You know, when you're getting ready

in the mirror, just when you're about finished...

you go like-

It's so cute, I wanna kill myself.

It's fantastic. Uh-

- Hey, when's your break?

- Hmm?

- For your school vacation. When do you get off?

- End of March.

- That's when you're in Baltimore, right?

- Yeah.

Well, it's a really big deal in my family,

because it's my dad's birthday and Easter...

and my sister's anniversary

all in the same week.

- A cluster.

- Yeah. Uh-

So, uh, how would

you like to come?

Ooh, too fast?

Too serious?

No, why?

Did I look like I was just-

- You were a little.

- No, 'cause-

No, I-I made-

I have a previous commitment.

- Oh, plans?

- Yeah, yeah.

Um, see, I didn't tell you about it,

'cause I knew you were gonna be away.

I figured it wouldn't matter,

but every year during Easter vacation...

uh, me and my friends,

we go down to Florida.

You and your buddies go down

to Florida for spring break? At your age?

No, no, no, not spring break.

Spring training with the Red Sox.

Oh, you get to train

with the Red Sox?

Are you allowed to do that?

Well, we don't actually-

We watch the games.

Aren't those just practice games?

Yeah, yeah, but there's

more to it than that.

We scout the players.

We-We say which players they should keep...

- which they should get rid of.

- And the Red Sox ask your opinion?

Well, not yet.

But if they ever do, uh-

Okay, I've been avoiding this.

There's something

you don't know about me.

Oh, God, here comes

the bag of hair.

The thing is, uh,

I am a Red Sox fan.

- Yeah?

- No, I'm like a big, big Red Sox fan.

I know. I mean, I've been

to your apartment...

and seen the Red Sox dish towels

and glasses and the Yankee toilet paper.

- It's like you live in a gift shop.

- It's worse.

See, when I was a kid,

I moved here from New Jersey...

and I didn't have

any friends or anything...

so my Uncle Carl started

taking me to Fenway Park.

I just-

I got lost in the game.

I mean, the ballpark

and the people.

The color, the sounds.

The smells.

And then he got cancer

and he died.

He left me his season tickets.

And it's a passion.

I mean, it's a very,

very big part of my life.

And it's been a problem

with me and women.

Oh, ah, I know those women.

The "pay attention to me"

and "why arent you talking to me?"

- Yeah. Exactly.

- God, those women are so pathetic.

Yeah, it's like,

"What are you getting so worked up for?

- I mean, you're not even doing it, you're watching it. "

- Yeah.

It's like, "Hey, how about sometimes

I like to be 11 years old. "

- Yeah. - I like being part of something

that's bigger than me-than I.

It's good for your soul to invest

in something that you can't control.

You're a romantic.

Hmm?

You have a lyrical soul. You can love

under the best and worst conditions.

I don't know.

Well, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, uh-

You took a really big chance

inviting me to meet your family.

Now I'm gonna take a chance. A big one.

Lindsey, will you

go to opening day with me?

Yes.

Yes. Yes!

You hear that?

She said yes!

Mary, look. Merry Christmas.

Clarence, look how

everyone showed up. It's amaz-

We're going to opening day.

It's official. We're going.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo!

What did Dad do to his hair?

- I can't even look at him.

- I know.

How could you let him?

He's 60. It's a big

psychological milestone.

He's struggling with it.

He thinks he looks good.

Now don't start with me.

Listen, I forgot to tell you that Donna-

Stop it! Out!

Outside! Out.

I don't know

what's with him lately.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot to tell you. Donna called.

- And they're on their way.

- Okay.

Good.

He is scaring the dog.

How can you stand it?

He fanned me with a magazine for four years

when I was going through menopause.

I can put up with this.

Go back in and talk to him.

He misses you.

Okay. One more.

Yeah, but do you see

him ever playing in a Yankee uniform?

- Hi.

- Hey, kiddo.

- Want a cookie?

- No, thanks.

- Your mama says you've been busy.

- Ooh.

No Red Sox fan has forgotten

last October and Aaron Boone.

- Hey, is this about the Red Sox?

- Yeah.

That next year is the year.

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