Finding Joy Page #2

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Well, you have the

silkiest, uh, knuckles

I've ever sixty...

( GASPS )

Sixty-Nined.

Are you free at four?

You can say no.

I won't be offended.

It takes a lot to do that.

No!

No. Yeah. No.

Uh... ( CHUCKLES )

That... That would be nice.

That sounds nice. Yes.

You have a few hours to come up with

a more creative word than "nice,"

Or else I will be forced to

put you out of your misery.

( HUMORLESS CHUCKLE )

Be my guest.

All right.

See you at four.

Four o'clock.

( MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY )

( WIND CHIMES RINGING )

( STEADY TICKING )

Did someone bite the dust?

Uh, no.

I- I have a, um...

( CLEARS THROAT ) Sort of

a romantic rendezvous

In nine minutes.

Lose the tie.

PATSY:
Not good enough,

Marshall!

Why are you home so early?

Did your date cancel?

I told you why.

Yeah? Well, your jacket

smells like lady juice.

It is perfume we are selling.

I could get you a couple of

bottles if you want. Here, dude.

( FIZZING SOUND;

KYLE GROANS )

Oh, what did you do?

I'm sorry.

I have a date...

with the girl across

the street in seven...

Seven minutes!

The weird one?

What's weird about joy?

Oh, so do you also

know the names

Of the crabby old couple next

door, Marshall? Yes, I do.

I'm very friendly with all of our neighbors.

I'll have you...

Zip! Please...

zip it.

This was the last decent

Pair of pants that I had.

Give me yours.

Give me your pants.

I'm at least two sizes

bigger than you.

Try four.

Hi.

You're impressively on time.

Have fun on your

sort of romantic rendezvous.

( CLEARS THROAT )

Uh... oh.

Just a, uh, a little nothing.

Oh, thank you.

Is this a book?

I love books.

Ready?

So, did you think of

an alternative word?

Uh...

I- It would be my

distinct pleasure

To accompany you

this afternoon.

It's bordering on bland, but

marginally better than "nice."

So, I-I wrote the book.

Which book?

Right now. Wha...? You wroth at?

Yes.

Oh, my god!

I hope it's good.

I hope you're good

with condoms too.

I read this article that stds

Are rampant

among senior citizens.

They're getting it on

more than we are.

What am I doing wrong?

( LIGHT CHUCKLE )

I used to work at the condom

factory on Johnson street,

And I got tons of free samples,

So I figured I would

put them to good use.

It's really on Johnson street?

So, you're all gonna

remember to use these

Next time you have sex, right?

Or you could die!

I'm 81 years old, joy.

What's your point?

Every second counts, Doris.

( LAUGHTER )

I've brought a friend

along today.

This is Kyle.

And Kyle...

is going to demonstrate

how to put one on.

WOMAN:
Ooh.

Anyone who wants

a refresher can stay.

( AUDIENCE TITTERING;

KYLE CLEARING THROAT )

You should get that looked at.

It might be serious.

I don't... I don't wanna...

I don't wanna do this.

Open the bag.

Open the bag.

( WOMEN OOHING AND TITTERING )

I was petrified

you hadn't brought props.

I don't mind if you don't use a cucumber.

Do you ladies?

ALL:
No!

He's wearing ladies' pants.

Yes, they are.

Okay, um, well, we'll just...

( CAT MEOWS )

WOMAN:
Caesar.

KYLE:
Okay, so, um...

Caesar!

Uh... Cae...

who's... Who's Caesar?

He's, uh, he's just this cat.

Local resident.

Um, I'll be right back.

Uh...

( CAT MEOWS )

( MAN SNORING )

Did he pee?

( CAT MEOWS ) Oh, dear.

And, uh,

you make sure that, uh...

this part here is up,

Like a...

like a little hat,

And then, uh, you put it there.

Careful not to cut it

with your nail,

But you just pinch like this.

Sort of... This is

important, that part there.

And then you just roll it

down to the, um...

the... The, uh...

The... The base,

Roll it down to the base.

Is, uh...

is everything okay?

Yeah.

I'm fine.

It's no biggie.

Do you mind a pit stop

on the way home?

As long as it doesn't

involve vegetables

Or anything related to latex.

I can't guarantee.

So, did you come home

for inspiration,

Or to show off your

mad condom-Rolling skills?

Funny.

Um, out of necessity, mostly,

But... if inspiration

was to smack me in the face,

I'd absolutely welcome it.

I'll smack you in the face.

Ow.

Anything?

I sort of unofficially adopted

This lonely

little stretch of road.

Ohh.

Ooh.

Ohh.

Poor little thing.

Probably never knew

what hit him.

It's a mystery...

The when, how,

and if of it all.

I meant more

car-Bus-Moped.

What would you do if you found

out you were gonna die soon?

Try not to.

Wouldn't it shock you out of your comfort

zone and make you feel so alive?

I'm just trying to get through

the living part right now.

Mmm.

Kyle...

I found out recently

That...

I'm gonna die soon.

Well... shoot that

messenger, right?

( STIFLED CHUCKLE )

Wait. You're serious.

You're dying.

Yeah.

And you're a writer.

Um...

presumably a good writer,

so I was wondering

If you would write my obituary.

I- I don't want the last thing

That people read

about me to be some

Grammatically incorrect

piece of crap.

I want my obituary

to be classy and sassy.

I don't even know you.

So we'll probably have to

spend a lot of time together.

All right,

you're acting all weird.

Um... forget

I said anything.

Yeah. Yeah, no.

That's... That's in

the past now.

Gone. Zap.

Joy...

how would I...

I can't. I can't.

I... i-I can't.

Joy.

( COUGHS )

You should get that

cough looked at!

It could be tuberculosis!

It's just a throat-

Clearing thing.

( DOOR SLAMS; ENGINE

STARTS ) Uh...

( CRYING ) I knew it!

And with a fat chick!

Kyle!

I was prom queen, Kyle!

I was destined to be

blissfully happy forever.

MARSHALL:
Pat,

you got my keys?

Ohh!

What?

I'm not chocolicious

enough for you?

Is that it?

( PATSY AND MARSHALL

ARGUING OUTSIDE )

"It is a deliberate mystery,

The how, when,

and if of it all..."

You see this gray face?

I'll be wearing it from now

Till you start being

honest with me!

( PATSY CRYING )

( KNOCK ON DOOR )

Uncle Kyle.

Not now!

( KYLE SNORING )

( FRONT DOOR OPENS )

( DOOR CLOSES )

PATSY:
Come on,

slowpoke, we'll be late!

MEL:
I've been going

to school for a decade,

And I have never been late!

Bye, grandpa.

Yep.

PATSY:
Bye, Alan.

( ENGINE SHUDDERS,

SERPENTINE BELT SQUEAKS )

FEMALE VOCALIST:

# I see the world

# through brand-New eyes

# receiving light,

reflecting bright #

# from the faces

and things I see #

# oh, now I see

# and it's up to me

to see it all through #

# but it's easy

# with you

# na na na

# na na na na

# na na na

# na na na na

# na na na

( GLORIA LAUGHING )

You are so beautiful!

( LAUGHING )

#...all through,

but it's easy #

Look at the girls now.

( LAUGHING )

I love that on you.

I love it.

Oh, it's great.

Fabulous. Fab.

Don't touch that!

That is not for you!

You're too young for that!

That's for me!

( LAUGHTER )

Kyle. Move.

Move. What are you...

What are you...

What are you doing here?

This is the anniversary cake you ordered?

Let me see.

( INDISTINCT COMMENT )

Oh.

Oh, no!

I ordered a double-D.

What's wrong with these people?

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