Finding Joy Page #5

---

Is 'cause you had

nowhere else to go.

And why else

would I come home, dad?

I send you my book.

No response. Aww. Zilch.

You wanted a thank-You card.

Wow, I'm so insensitive.

All right, here you go.

Thanks for leaving,

turning your back,

And mailing us your book.

( CHUCKLES ) Turning my back?

Mm-Hmm.

I turned my back?

You...

did absolutely nothing...

to save her.

You think you know it all.

You come back here,

you ignore everyone.

You act like

a complete jackass.

Oh, god, honey, please.

Skirting the truth.

Hm.

Blatantly obvious to everybody here.

He tried, man.

You weren't here.

Marshall, please.

You don't know

what you're talking about.

He never did anything

To get her any...

Any help.

Mom didn't want any help.

She didn't want to stop.

That's not the...!

He... He has been

mad at me...

for years

Because I wrote the truth.

Really?

Yes.

I never read it.

You... What?

I never read your

goddamn book, okay?

( CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY )

You shoulda got the book

on tape, like I did.

More glazed carrots, anyone?

What are you doing? Not

gonna waste the damn meat.

For the record,

I read your book three times.

I think mine's done, if you...

maybe wanna read it.

No nepotistic

sugarcoating though,

Okay?

I wouldn't dream of it.

( CHUCKLES SOFTLY )

( SIGHS SOFTLY )

Can't sleep?

I don't sleep.

Mm?

Before this picture was

taken, your mother had

This 10-Minute

hiccupping fit.

Couldn't get rid of 'em.

We laughed so hard.

Oh, I miss her.

I miss her like...

like nobody's

invented the word yet.

( SIGHS )

I can't leave your mother.

How long?

Three years...

four months...

sixteen days, give or take.

Oh, listen, just so you

know, that rap music,

I hate the damn stuff.

It's the only music your

mother wouldn't listen to.

Gloria doesn't

seem to mind it, so...

do you...

do you love her?

She loves me.

Don't let that girl go.

Just do whatever it takes.

She...

she won't...

she won't talk to me.

She won't...

come out of her house.

And I don't know what to do.

Well, you'll just have

to figure it out.

You know, we tried

everything with your mother.

Everything.

( AUDIBLY STRAINING )

Joy!

( SNORING )

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

Oh. Kyle!

Come on!

Get your ass downstairs!

Come on!

Kyle, come on!

You're gonna love it! Ha!

( MUFFLED CRIES )

Oh, my god!

What... are you okay?

When she came out,

you were sleeping.

PATSY:
We panicked! What are you doing?

What are you doing?

We've got her tied up

really nice!

Yes! And I am

untying her!

Yeah, but she doesn't

have a choice now.

She has to listen

to what you have to say.

Yes, and that all

makes sense...

uh-Huh... until you

bring in the whole part

That it's a crime thing!

Out! I'm sorry, joy. I'm sorry.

Ow!

All right, go, go, go. We're

leaving, we're leaving.

You're making a mistake.

I'm not making a mistake!

I'm going, I'm going! Jeez!

Out!

Like, go rob a bank

or something!

( MUFFLED BELLOW )

I am... ohh...!

Oh, god, I am sorry.

Get me out of this right now.

Yes, yes. Uh...

( CHUCKLES )

Y- You wrote the

classiest, sassiest obit

That I-I've ever read,

and I don't want it

To be published

for a long, long time.

Well, I don't have long, Kyle.

Have you been paying

any attention?

I know you're not dying.

The doctors, they can't find

anything physically wrong with you.

Mentally could be a whole

other story at this point.

You're crazy.

I'm crazy?

Yes, you don't know

what you're talking about.

Please, please, enlighten me.

All right.

That MRI, it didn't even

show a cracked toenail.

And that's a bad thing...?

Yes, because if I'm not...

dying of a disease, it means that

I'm dying of something unexpected,

But why do you think

that you're dying at all?

What are you guys doin'?

ALL:
Shh!

Because he's never wrong.

Who is...

Who is never wrong?

Who is never wrong? Who?

Caesar, okay?

Caesar?

Caesar the cat?

He's psychic.

The cat?

Yes.

A psychic cat told you you

were going to die. Yes.

Every resident that Caesar pees

on dies within a few weeks.

Somehow, he just knows.

Kyle, Caesar peed on me.

Maybe he has

a bladder condition, then.

I'm... ( CLEARS THROAT )

sorry! Sorry! Listen!

I can't... I can't believe

that you believe this!

Give me one reason

why I shouldn't.

I'm going to bed now!

Forever!

Joy.

Joy!

Joy.

J- Joy!

Joy!

Kyle, baby.

I once knew this girl

who had a psychic twat.

Any guy who got close,

She knew if he had

an std or not.

I think what Gloria

is trying to say

Is that maybe

it isn't impossible

That this cat has

psychic abilities.

GLORIA:
Exactly.

You gotta prove to her

she's crazy, man!

I mean, no cat pee

ever killed anybody!

I don't think it's

the pee per se, marsh.

Show her you love her.

Shower her with romance.

GLORIA:
I know some

hot strip-O-Grams.

Throw her a living funeral.

I was planning one

one for your mom,

But she passed before

we got to do it.

No, I want the best

chairs you got.

What, do I sound

like a cheap wad?

Yeah, well,

you sound like a dickwad.

Uh, thanks, Gloria.

I been through all of 'em.

I think I'm gonna

go with this one.

Oh, I like it,

but is it big enough?

Okay, it's a short speech,

Not a novel.

( SIGHS )

No nepotistic

sugarcoating, right?

If she doesn't love this,

she's definitely deranged.

Keep the engine running.

( ENGINE SHUDDERS AND DIES )

( CAESAR MEOWS )

( LAUGHS ) Little bugger's

bladder will be so full,

He'll be peeing everywhere, on everyone,

with any luck. ( ENGINE HESITATES )

She'll see her theory disintegrate into thin air.

( ENGINE HESITATES )

I'll do my damndest to make

sure he pees on me, man.

That is one stinky

puss, though.

I think he's old.

Just drive. Go!

( ENGINE STARTS ) Ha ha ha ha!

MARSHALL:
Yeah.

PATSY:
Yeah.

You're thirsty, aren't you?

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Huhp. Come on.

Milk does a p*ssy good.

Come on.

Caesar, look.

Come on. Here.

Right here.

Caesar. Come on.

Come on.

Wow. You're looking

delightfully dapper.

Yeah.

Lot of good it's doing me, huh?

Did you go to all this

trouble for me?

I'll make a deal with you:

I'll go if you go.

But you're not coming?

Are you?

Would it be easier if

you weren't you?

Oh, yeah, can I be brad pitt, please?

Thank you.

Alan.

What?

Trust me.

Don't go anywhere.

Ha!

But she's not here.

It's a...

okay, okay, okay, okay!

All right, just...

ahem.

Dude... she's not coming.

I'll tape it for her.

Come on, go ahead.

Gonna rock.

Gonna be awesome.

Um...

uh, our...

Our guest of honor

Seems to have been delayed.

( CLOWN SHOES SQUEAKING )

One last thing.

What's that?

( SIGHS )

Right.

Get into character.

( SHOES SQUEAK FAINTLY )

I can't do this.

I'm sorry.

Uh, I-I-I've been

penning her obituary

For the past couple of weeks

as part of my new book,

But I-It's become apparent

that this...

ode to my joy...

has been predetermined

to come to life

In... In this moment.

( CLOWN SHOES SQUEAKING )

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes