Fist Fight Page #10

CROWD:
(CHANTING)

Campbell! Campbell!

I'm never gonna stop fighting! Uh-uh!

I'm never gonna stop fighting for myself.

For my family, for this school!

The fight never ends!

The fight never ends!

- Whoo!

- (ALL GASP)

Like he said,

the fight never ends.

Unless you're him.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Uh, no, well, he's...

He's actually out right now.

Uh-huh.

Oh, sh*t, okay.

I'll make him aware.

Water! Anybody got water?

(SPITS, COUGHING)

What happened?

You got knocked the f*** out.

Yeah, I feel that now.

But look, man. Your wife just called.

She said you're having a baby.

Oh, sh*t, for real? I gotta go then.

(GROANS)

Hey, look.

Can you give me a lift to the hospital?

I kind of totaled my car.

- All right. Let's roll. I got you.

- All right.

You got gas money?

HOLLY:
Hey! Hey, you!

What the hell, man?

You're just gonna walk away?

Just gonna leave like this?

On these terms?

What the hell are you talking about?

Who are you? I...

Holly. We've been flirting,

like, all f***ing year.

I've been, like, ignoring you all year.

Oh.

Because I've been playing

games with you all year.

I knew it!

It's 3:
15 and I'm not a student anymore.

Let's do this.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Ah, sh*t.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Emergency! Hey, get off your ass, lady.

Sir, emergency's on the other

side of the building.

What? No, no. Not me. We need maternity.

Maternity's third floor.

Let's go deliver this baby.

- I got it from here. Yeah.

- You sure?

Yeah, it's a hospital.

So they got doctors and stuff.

But, listen. Uh...

Thank you, man.

Like, thank you for the fight. Really.

You did good.

Get the f*** off me. What you doing?

Yeah. That was a dumb idea.

All right, yeah. See ya.

Go hug your wife.

REPORTER:
(ON TV)

Two teachers pitted against each other

in a school fight

to end all school fights.

A lot of people are saying

this has proven the depths

to which the public school

system has fallen.

The school board is

launching an investigation

saying something needs to change.

- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

- Live from Roosevelt High School,

Channel 68 News.

That's us.

Hashtag teacher fight!

(MOANING)

- Maggie! Hi!

- Andy!

I was so afraid that you wouldn't make it.

- Are you okay?

- What happened to you?

I... I got into a little bit of a fight.

With who? You look like hell!

- With another teacher. Yeah.

- What?

But it's okay.

So, honey, listen to me. Listen to me.

- I lost my job.

- What?

But not 'cause I didn't

stand up to those guys.

You should have seen me

stand up to those guys.

- No, no, no, it's because you were right!

- Yeah? Okay.

And... And I want you to

believe me right now.

I want you to believe me

when I tell you

everything's gonna be okay.

- Yeah?

- I believe you.

- You do?

- I believe you.

Yeah?

- Everything's gonna be okay, sweetie.

- It's gonna be okay.

Oh, God!

Is it time to push? Or where are we?

Oh, no. We've been pushing

for a while, baby.

- Okay. Go! Push!

- Here we go.

Here we go. (GROANS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

(CHUCKLES)

She's squirming around.

I think we got

a little fighter on our hands.

- I think so, too.

- You wanna take her for a minute?

- I would love to.

- Okay.

- Are you a little hungry?

- Yeah!

Are you a little hungry, baby?

- Time to eat!

- Yeah!

Hey, Ally looks happy, huh?

MAGGIE:
Oh, yeah! She's very popular now.

I think some of the kids are

actually kind of afraid of her.

That's a good thing, I think.

How we doing here? What you going for?

Hot dog? Hamburger?

Both! Hey, Crawford, you want a dog?

I want a dog but no bun.

I'm trying to fit into my skinny jeans.

I think I look good in them. (LAUGHS)

HOLLY:
Trying to fit into

his skinny jeans.

CAMPBELL:
Yeah, yeah. It's not his look.

- Campbell.

- HOLLY:
They look terrible.

Well, well, well.

Look what the cat dragged in.

You here to fire everybody again?

Yeah, yeah. Cut the sh*t, Campbell.

I don't wanna be here

any more than you want me to, okay?

Well, I wouldn't say that

I don't want you here.

But why are you here?

Well, because of the media attention,

you and Strickland became

like education folk heroes.

Yeah, how about that, huh?

So, the board wants both of you back

at Roosevelt because of this PR mess.

So, this is fun. So, he sent you here

to beg me to come back?

He said my job depends on it.

Did he really?

Ouch. Shoot.

So, this is a tough one for me, you know?

'Cause I didn't leave

on great terms and...

(SIGHS)

Boy, it sucks when your

job's in someone else's hands like this.

Enough of your sh*t, okay?

Are you gonna come back or not?

Tell you what.

I'll come back on one condition.

You the man, Campbell!

Thank you.

Thanks for getting our jobs back.

I'm glad I didn't cut you.

Yeah. Huh?

Yeah, you really saved our asses.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Yo!

(LAUGHS) Hey!

Look, man, I'm, uh...

I'm really happy you decided

to take your job back.

Yeah. To be honest,

I kinda missed these little f***ers.

They keep me young, you know what I mean?

All right, well, what do you say we get

back to work and no free periods, right?

- Goddamn right.

- Okay.

- (GROANS)

- Hey! Hey!

You cut out all that grab-assing.

CAMPBELL:
You get your ass to detention,

Freddie.

All right, I'm not joking around.

You get there before I kick it there!

I will kick you into oblivion, Freddie.

I will kick you into dust!

- Whoa, Campbell. Take it down a notch.

- (CHUCKLES)

I'm supposed to be the scariest

motherf***er in this school, not you.

That's true. All right, man,

you ready to do this thing?

- Do it.

- Boom.

Up top! Down low.

- Enough of that sh*t.

- I'll fight you again.

I've been waiting to

f*** you up for a long time.

(CHUCKLES) Why?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

But I'll tell you for an iPhone.

Listen to me, you f*** sh*t.

I will f***ing rip your

head off of your head.

I will sh*t down your neck.

I will f***ing smash

my sh*t into your butthole. (LAUGHING)

Is there...

A horse?

- Yeah, there's some sh*t.

- Sorry about that, guys.

- Right. I'm out.

- MAN:
Cut.

- See you in a bit.

- (HOLLY LAUGHING)

I never said nothing about no running.

Who's you? Seabiscuit?

You don't run nowhere.

That's the old Andy

because the new Andy...

(STAMMERS) I'm not gonna...

I'm gonna just ramble. Forever.

I think maybe one of

your nuts dropped today.

I'mma drop your nuts down somewhere.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Finish it!

- F*** this sh*t!

- Come on. This way. (LAUGHS)

Make it whole wheat.

And can I have some

pork and beans with that?

No dog. Just tuna fish.

Just a little bit of

sauerkraut and some relish.

Just Cheezdoodles.

Light on the cheese

and heavy on the doodle.

I'm trying to be like Steve McQueen.

They call me True Grit.

I'm a weirdo.

You know my style. (LAUGHS)

Yeah. I'm stressed out, too.

My neighbor got a cat.

- Oh, you don't like a cat looking at you?

- Creeps me out.

It's always when I'm masturbating, too.

(CHUCKLES)

I will be done with my classes by then.

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