Fixed Page #10

- DAD!

- DAD! COME HERE.

- IT'S LIKE A FAMILY. OH, SH*T.

- COME TO US!

- WALK TO THE LIGHT, BROTHER.

WALK TO THE LIGHT.

- F*** IT, WE TRIED.

- [GIGGLING]

THAT'S LIKE A TIME MACHINE

VERSION OF US,

- LIKE YESTERDAY.

- [LAUGHS] WE TRIED.

OH, YOU DON'T,

YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT?

YOU DON'T NEED YOUR VEGETABLES?

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

THE NAME'S BOND...

DARNELL BOND.

OH...

SH*T.

GET YOUR LIGHTERS OUT,

PEOPLE. YEAH.

- YES, SIR.

- WHOO!

- HEY, SWEETIE, HI! YEAH, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

- I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

- I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

- OH, I SOUND GOOD?

I DON'T KNOW, I THINK

I JUST GOT BAD RECEPTION.

[CHUCKLES]

THIS FEELS REALLY GOOD.

IS THAT WEIRD?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- YOU GUYS...

- [LAUGHS]

- HEY.

- OH, LOOK AT HIM GO!

[MEN YELLING]

GO THE F*** TO SLEEP! OH!

OH, SH*T, SORRY.

[CROWD BOOING]

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY,

MUSIC STOPS]

[KJ]

HEY.

YO, GUYS, YOU GOT TO

GET OFF THE STAGE.

F*** YOU!

OUR WIVES AND KIDS ARE OU AND WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT!

- UH!

- WE EARNED THIS SH*T!

[MICROPHONE THUDS, FEEDBACK]

I THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY. SORRY.

YOU KNOW, WE ARE

ALWAYS TALKING ABOU HOW TO SURVIVE MARRIAGE

SO WE DON'T GO COMPLETELY CRAZY.

BUT WHY NOT?

SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD TO GO A

LITTLE CRAZY EVERY NOW AND THEN.

YES, YES, IT'S LIKE WHAT DO

THEY THINK WE'RE GONNA DO?

WE'RE GONNA BE OUT THERE

SHOOTING HEROIN,

AND, UH, SCREWING

EVERYTHING THAT MOVES?

WE'RE MEN, GODDAMN IT.

WE'RE-WE'RE MORE THAN

JUST JAR OPENERS

AND BED WARMERS,

WE DEMAND RESPECT, AND SEX.

- MORE SEX. HOT DAMN.

- YEAH. A VASECTOMY SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.

- GOD, COME ON, I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

- NO. UH-UH. MM-MM.

NOT TONIGHT, NOT EVER.

GENTLEMEN,

COURTESY OF TABLE FIVE.

OH. THAT'S FREE DRINKS?

- EXCELLENT.

- THREE LADIES RIGHT OVER THERE.

- GOOD LUCK.

- WHAT'D HE SAY?

- OH, SH*T.

- OKAY.

- [CHUCKLES] THAT'S CUTE.

- THEY WANT OUR DAD BODS.

THAT'S CRAZY, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I MEAN, DID YOU SEE THESE WOMEN?

THEY'RE NOT A DAY OVER 30.

- THANK YOU.

- LET'S INVITE THEM OVER.

- NO! NO, NO, BAD IDEA.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT ARE YOU... STOP IT!

OH, GOD.

I'M SWEATING ALREADY. I HAVEN' TALKED TO A NON-MOM IN YEARS.

DON'T YOU DARE

F*** THIS UP FOR US.

THESE GIRLS ARE FINE AS SH*T.

- AND THEY'VE BEEN DRINKING.

- RELAX, THEY'RE NOT COMING OVER.

THEY DON'T WANT TO SIT WITH US.

I MEAN, WE'RE OLD MEN.

COME ON, LOOK IT...

THEY'RE COMING OVER.

- THEY'RE COMING OVER.

- MOVE THE TABLES.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, MAN.

WHAT IF, WHAT IF

SOMEBODY RECOGNIZES US?

EVE CAN BE SO VIOLENT.

YOU ARE NOT CHEATING ON HER.

YEAH, WE'RE JUST HAVING

A LITTLE CONVERSATION.

THAT IS RIGHT.

THAT IS ALL WE'RE DOING,

IS HAVING A LITTLE

CONVERSATION...

FOR NOW.

LADIES, HELLO.

- HI. HI.

- MY NAME'S PHIL.

- THIS IS ALLAN.

- WELL, HELLO.

- AND THIS IS CAPTAIN MINIVAN.

- [LAUGHTER]

NO, THAT'S NOT MY NAME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR THE DRINKS.

- COME ON, HAVE A SEAT WITH US.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- HI.

- HI.

YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME UP THERE.

- [ALLAN] AWESOMELY BAD.

- [WOMAN] YES.

YOU LOOKED LIKE:

YOU WERE HAVING FUN

AND WE COULD USE A LITTLE FUN.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL...

WELCOME TO THE FUN TABLE.

[WOMAN CHUCKLES]

- UH... [CHUCKLES]

- [CHATTERING]

- HI.

- I, UH,

SHOULD TELL YOU RIGHT NOW THAT I MIGHT SAY

SOMETHING COMPLETELY STUPID AT ANY TIME.

IT'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN DOING

A LOT LATELY, I DON'T KNOW WHY.

- AND DRINKING.

- [LAUGHS]

- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS CELEBRATING?

- UH, I DON'T KNOW...

ACTUALLY, TODAY

IS ALLAN'S BIRTHDAY.

- [ALLAN LAUGHS]

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

IT'S NOT, HE KEEPS

TELLING PEOPLE THAT,

BUT IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY,

I'M JUST OLD.

YOU'RE NOT OLD, YOU'RE JUS A LITTLE BIT... MARRIED.

AH, THE RING. [CHUCKLES]

HELLO.

HAPPILY?

OH, WELL,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT THAT MEANS.

IT'S A LOADED QUESTION.

WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE HERE,

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

WELL, YEAH, I DON'T...

NEVER-NEVER GET TO DO THIS,

SO IT'S REALLY A NEW...

YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE TO BE OUT.

GOOD COMPANY, SO

IT'S NICE.

WIFE KEEPS YOU LOCKED UP, HUH?

OH, LIFE KEEPS ME LOCKED UP.

I ALWAYS WONDERED WHY

PEOPLE GET MARRIED.

IT'S ALL THE EXCITEMEN AT FIRST, AND...

THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

OH, YOU'RE ASKING ME?

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'D ONLY CONFUSE YOU FURTHER,

I GUARANTEE IT.

INSTANT HEADACHE.

MAYBE WE'RE JUS NOT MEANT TO BE

WITH THE SAME PERSON

OUR WHOLE LIVES.

MAYBE IT'S OUR NATURE,

WE WANT MORE, UH... EXCITEMENT,

- VARIETY.

- YEAH, OR MAYBE

WE'RE-WE'RE MEANT TO BE MARRIED,

BUT ONLY FOR A CERTAIN

PERIOD OF TIME, YOU KNOW?

- MM-HMM.

- PUT AN EXPIRATION DATE ON IT,

DATE COMES UP, "SEE YOU LATER.

- [LAUGHS]

- NO HARD FEELINGS."

OR YOU STAY MARRIED AND

PUT A NEW DATE ON IT, MAYBE.

I LIKE IT, IT'S...

- IT'S STRANGELY ROMANTIC.

- [CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLES]

- I GUESS, I DON'T KNOW.

NOW WE JUST GOT TO CONVINCE

THE REST OF THE WORLD.

[BOTH LAUGH]

HAVE YOU PASSED:

YOUR EXPIRATION DATE?

UH...

I-I... NAH, I DON'T,

I DON'T, I DON'T THINK SO,

BUT IT'S... IT'S PROBABLY,

IT'S PROBABLY COMING.

ARE YOU SURE, ALLAN?

I'M NOT COMPLETELY POSITIVE,

BUT I'M S... SURE ENOUGH.

OH.

MM.

WELL, WHAT ARE

WE DRINKING NEXT?

- TEQUILA

- "TE-KILL-YA."

WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT, MAN?

YOU F***.

YOU F***ING F***.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

- OH.

- OH.

[STAMMERING]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

- I HAD TO PEE.

- OH.

OH, YOU... THAT'S... OKAY.

YOU KNOW I'M MARRIED, RIGHT?

YOU'RE SWEET.

I'M-I'M... THANK YOU.

- THAT'S... I'VE GOT TO...

- [MOANS]

OKAY.

I'VE GOT THREE KIDS AND UH...

- [MOANS]

- OH, GOD THAT FEELS GOOD.

GOT A HOUSE.

[MOANS]

MM, YOU SMELL LIKE STRAWBERRIES.

[SNIFFS]

AH.

[STAMMERING]

I'VE GOT A LOANER MINIVAN.

MINIVANS ARE HOT.

[BOTH MOANING]

IT'S HAPPENING.

IT'S HAPPENING.

OH.

OH, I'M S... I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

YEAH.

SHE MUST BE AMAZING.

OR YOU'RE A F***ING P*SSY.

[PHIL] BOTH OF YOU WERE

NAKED AT THE SAME TIME?

[SIGHS]

OH!

YOU'RE A REAL F***ING A**HOLE,

YOU KNOW THAT?

GIRLS, ARE WE READY?

- YUP.

- YUP. F***ING MUTE.

[JASON]

WHAT?

WORST MOMS NIGHT OUT EVER.

I HAVE TO GO HOME

AND SCREW MY HUSBAND.

[WOMAN 2]

MY TITS ARE GONNA EXPLODE.

I GOT TO GO PUMP IN THE CAR.

UH...

W-W-WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

- I HAVE NO IDEA.

- WELL, I THINK THAT PHIL

JUST COCK-BLOCKED US

WITH A COUPLE OF MOMS.

NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,

DO YOU THINK OUR WIVES

DO SH*T LIKE THA - ON MOMS NIGHT OUT?

- NO, MAN, NO!

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

- COME ON.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

ARE WE SURE?

[MEN LAUGHING]

[ALLAN]

HERE'S TO YOU, YOU F***ING...

[PHIL GROANS, CLEARS THROAT]

HEY, WHAT'D YOU SAY TO THAT MOM?

WHAT'D YOU SAY TO THAT MOM?

- SAME SH*T YOU WOULD'VE SAID.

- NOPE.

DID YOU SEE THAT GIRL'S ASS?

- [ALL LAUGH]

- GODDAMN!

AYE, OH, AND-AND DON' GET THAT SH*T TWISTED,

- THAT WAS A FLUKE.

- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

I GOT GAME.

- [LAUGHS]

- OH, YEAH.

- I GOT GAME.

- YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHA YOU SHOULD'VE SAID?

WHAT YOU SHOULD'VE SAID WAS

THAT YOU HAD A VASECTOMY,

'CAUSE THEY WERE MOMS, THEY

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