Fixed Page #9

NOT A DENTAL CLEANING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE NEVER HAD

- ONE OF THESE BEFORE.

- I ALWAYS THOUGH THESE WERE FOR

DESPERATE, HORNY MEN.

MAN, IT'S BEEN SO LONG.

NOW, WHEN YOU GO IN,

AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT,

- THEY'RE GONNA ASK IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.

- MM-HMM.

YOU SAY, "YES, OF COURSE."

- OF COURSE.

- THEN YOU ASK FOR WANG.

- WHO'S WANG?

- MY BUDDY WHO COMES HERE ALL THE TIME

SAYS WANG IS THE BEST.

ALSO, MAKE SURE

YOU ASK FOR THE WORKS.

WAIT, WAIT,

YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, THAT... THAT'S JUST...

THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.

- MM.

- ALL RIGHT, SO,

IT'S $40 FOR THE RUB,

$60 FOR THE TIP.

SO $60, $60 FOR THE TIP?

OKAY. NO, GOOD CALL.

LET'S MAKE IT $80.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU READY, BUDDY?

I AM ABOUT TO GET JERKED OFF

BY A COMPLETE STRANGER

NAMED WANG.

AND, GODDAMN IT,

I'M GONNA ENJOY IT.

ATTA BOY.

[PHIL LAUGHS]

THERE YOU GO, BUDDY. HIT IT!

[JASON]

THERE HE GOES.

KIND OF BEAUTIFUL.

[PHIL]

IT IS. IT IS IN A WAY.

- A MAN BEING SET FREE.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

PENIS ABOUT TO GET RUBBED.

[GONG SOUND]

HELLO.

GOOD AFTERNOON,

HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

I'M-I'M ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE HAD A, I'VE HAD

AN INTERESTING DAY.

AND, UH, WELL, WEEK, REALLY.

BUT I'M FINE.

I'M FINE AND EVERYTHING IS,

EVERYTHING IS FINE.

I'M HERE NOW

AND IT... I'M VERY,

VERY HAPPY TO BE... HERE.

HAVE YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE?

YES.

YES, I HAVE,

MANY TIMES, ACTUALLY.

I-I WOULD LIKE

A MASSAGE FROM WANG.

WANG IS THE BEST, ISN'T SHE?

WANG... ALL THE WAY.

WOULD YOU KNOW:

WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE?

A, UH, BACK RUB, FULL BODY,

DEEP TISSUE, OR...?

UM, NO I THINK...

[STAMMERS]

THE-THE WORKS.

- I'M SORRY?

- THE WORKS, THE WORKS.

THE WORKS.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, YEAH.

OKAY.

WELL, THEN...

THE WORKS IT IS.

WANG!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

- YES.

- UH, OH, YEAH, OKAY.

THAT'S... THANK YOU.

OH, WOW, YES, THANK YOU.

OH, THAT'S AMAZING.

CAN I WEAR THAT?

CAN I PUT THAT ON? NO, OKAY.

YOU ARE STUNNING.

[STAMMERS]

LAY ON THE BED?

LAY IN THE BED? OKAY.

UH, NO, NO, NO BED.

TO... BREATHE.

[INHALES]

OKAY.

OH, THE SHIRT, THE CLOTHING,

CLOTHING, TAKE CLOTHING OFF.

YES. OKAY.

THERE WE GO.

JUST EVERYTHING?

DO, DO EVERYTHING? AND...

MY UNDERWEAR, TOO? OKAY.

I'M SO SORRY.

I...

[LAUGHS]

YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL,

BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT,

I DON'T NORMALLY LIE,

BUT, UH...

[CHUCKLES]

I WAS A LITTLE CONFUSED.

LAY DOWN, OKAY.

I'M SO SORRY.

SERIOUSLY, I THINK IT'S...

I DON'T KNOW,

THE JASMINE OR SOMETHING.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

WANG IS, WANG IS

A BEAUTIFUL NAME. I...

THANK YOU, BABY.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

WAIT, WHAT-WHAT HAPPENED

TO THE OTHER GIRL?

[GROANS]

DOES THAT HURT?

YOU LIKE IT WHEN IT'S ROUGH,

- DON'T YOU? [LAUGHS]

- OH!

YEAH, THAT HURTS.

[LAUGHS]

WHY DON'T YOU JUST RELAX...

YOUR LITTLE BODY

AND LET WANG DO HER...

- THING!

- OH!

- DO I HAVE A CHOICE?

- [LAUGHS]

I SAID, SHUT UP AND ENJOY!

[YELLS]

WHOA! GOD!

YEAH, HEY! WE FOUND YOUR BALLS.

- DR. KEN.

- SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO GIVE THEM A GOOD, HARD YANK.

TURNS OUT I DIDN'T NEED THEM,

- BUT KEEP THEM CLOSE JUST IN CASE.

- DR. KEN...

REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID I COULD

CHANGE MY MIND AT ANY TIME?

THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOUR GOLLY

WHOPPER. YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- [DING]

- BOING.

- OH, MY GOD!

OH, COME ON,

WE'VE ALL SEEN AN ERECTION.

WELL, MAYBE NOT HER.

ESPECIALLY ON GUYS LIKE YOU

WITH LIMITED SEXUAL ACTIVITY.

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHY

YOU EVEN NEED A VASECTOMY.

- DO YOU EVEN HAVE SEX?

- NO.

YES! IT DOESN'T MATTER.

LISTEN, I WANT TO CHANGE MY MIND, OKAY?

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

ALLAN, YOU SHOULD'VE SAID

SOMETHING A MINUTE AGO

BEFORE SHORTY HERE

STARTED CUTTING.

- HOW'D THE FIRST INCISION GO?

- NO, NO.

- UM, I THINK IT'LL HEAL OKAY.

- GAUZE.

- GOD, IT'S NOT HAPPENING. IT'S NOT HAPPENING!

- OH, OH.

- LOOK AT THAT. COME ON! OH!

- NO! WHAT IS THAT?

- PUT IT BACK, PUT IT BACK!

- YOUR MANHOOD.

- WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP.

- I WANT YOU TO BE VERY STILL

'CAUSE I'M GONNA CUT THIS.

OKAY, DON'T MOVE.

- UM... [WHIMPERS]

- DON'T MOVE, ALLAN.

- DON'T MOVE, DON'T MOVE.

- PLEASE!

- DON'T MOVE. DON'T MOVE!

- PLEASE, NO!

GODDAMN IT, ALLAN!

[YELLS]

MY WIFE!

F*** DR. KEN.

OH, GOD, I'M SO SORRY,

I MUST'VE...

- I MUST'VE DOZED OFF.

- YOU ARE SO STRESSED OUT.

- THAT CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOUR BODY.

- I THINK IF I JUST...

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST LAY BACK,

- I'LL JUST LAY DOWN, I THINK, FOR A MINUTE.

JUST LAY BACK AND SHOW ME

YOUR LITTLE SOLDIER.

OKAY...

[BOTH LAUGHING]

NO, NO.

[PHIL AND JASON

SCREAMING IN DISTANCE]

[PHIL]

WHOO!

YOU'RE A FUNNY MAN, I LIKE YOU.

YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE

THE USUAL PERVERTS

- THAT I JERK OFF.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

WOW. WHOA, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

NO, NO, THAT'S-THAT'S

A COMPLIMENT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I... THAT MEANS A LOT,

THAT MEANS A LOT.

AND I HOPE YOU DON' TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,

BUT IT'S JUST WITH THE MINIVAN,

AND THE VASECTOMY,

- I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT.

- IT'S OKAY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE ALL GOING

THROUGH OUR OWN SH*T.

BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO

PAY FOR THE WORKS.

- NO, OF COURSE.

- NO REFUNDS.

OH, I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT.

- WHAT IS THE WORKS, ANYWAY?

- OH.

WELL, FIRST, THERE'S A...

LITTLE JERKY-JERKY

- [CHUCKLES]

- AS A TEASE. [LAUGHS]

AND THEN, I...

OH.

[CHUCKLES]

I RUB MY BODY ALL OVER YOU.

- OF COURSE YOU DO. YES

- [LAUGHS]

AND THEN I TAKE:

THESE TWO FINGERS

AND I..

WHOO! WHY DON'T WE

DO THAT SH*T EVERY DAY?

MAN, I TOLD YOU

TO GET THE WORKS.

I MEAN, IT SNEAKS UP

ON YOU, BUT WOW.

- WAS WANG THE SH*T OR WAS WANG THE SH*T?

- OH.

WANG WAS THE SH*T.

MAN, I'M TELLING YOU,

IF EVE KNEW I WAS DOING THIS,

- SHE WOULD DISMEMBER ME.

- [LAUGHS]

- WHAT'S NEXT?

- HEY, WAIT,

YOU'RE THE GUY

WITH THE GREAT IDEAS.

WHAT-WHAT-WHAT DO YOU GOT?

RUMSPRINGA, MOTHERFUCKERS!

- YEAH.

- [LAUGHS]

- YEAH!

- WHOA, SEATBELT.

LET'S HIT IT!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[ALLAN]

WHOO-HOO!

ALL RIGHT, WHERE AM I GOING?

MAKE A... RIGH AT THE NEXT LIGHT.

- OKAY.

- MY MAN TOLD ME ABOUT A SPOT WHERE WE COULD GET SOME COKE.

- WHOA, GOD.

- NO, MAN.

WHAT IS THIS, "MIAMI VICE"?

- I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL.

- ALL RIGHT.

UH, MEDICAL MARIJUANA.

- OKAY.

- THAT'S US.

IS THERE ANY QUALIFYING

MEDICAL CONDITIONS

I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

I GET SPASMS...

IN MY PENIS.

AT THE WORST TIMES.

I BOUGHT INTO:

THE WHOLE 3D TV THING

AND I THINK IT'S JUS F***ED ME ALL UP.

LIKE THE WORLD LOOKS 2D.

I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,

WE'RE JUST...

WE'RE JUST TRYING TO...

TO BUY WEED:

- IS THAT...?

- I NEED A MEDICAL CONDITION.

[SIGHS]

I HAVE A LOT OF PAIN IN MY ANUS.

I THINK IT'S GLAUCOMA.

I'M A FATHER.

YEAH, THAT QUALIFIES.

- THIS IS SO GOOD.

- F***ING AMAZING.

- [COUGHS]

- WE BOUGHT THIS AT A STORE.

- YOU WALKED THROUGH A STORE...

- JUST WALKED IN.

- THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- ...AND BOUGHT I "COULD I HAVE A CUPCAKE

AND SOME POT?"

[GROANING]

[SIGHING]

AMERICA, B*TCHES.

- [LAUGHS]

- AMERICA!

[ALLAN]

I LOVE DRUGS! [GIGGLES]

- OH, SH*T.

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