Fixed Page #8

OKAY? SO JUST...

WHATEVER THAT IS.

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

AND I'LL...

I'LL TAKE THE KIDS TO

MY MOM FOR THE WEEKEND.

AND THEN, COME MONDAY,

WE'LL SEE.

BUT, ALLAN,

YOU'RE NOT THE GUY

IN THE CHICKEN COSTUME.

ANYTHING I WANT.

ANYTHING I WANT?

THAT'S...

[PHIL]

IT IS A TRAP.

THE OLDEST TRAP KNOWN TO MAN.

"OH, GO AND DO

WHATEVER YOU WANT."

THEY DON'T MEAN THAT SH*T.

THIS IS A CLASSIC

LOSE-LOSE SITUATION.

I MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY

LET IT GO TOO FAR.

YOU GOT TO FIND MARIA RIGHT NOW

AND TELL HER THAT YOU DON' NEED THIS MINI RUMSPRINGA.

WHAT? NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

UH, YOU WANT HIM TO FALL FOR IT?

I WANT HIM TO REALIZE

WHAT SHE'S DOING TO HIM.

WHAT THEY DO TO US ALL.

I KNOW WHAT I WANT.

YOU DON'T KNOW SH*T!

SHE'LL LOCK YOUR ASS IN A ROOM.

YEAH, I GOT TO AGREE WITH PHIL ON THIS ONE.

I MEAN, LOOK AT YOUR RECENT LIFE CHOICES.

NO, I WANT TO

TRUST MY WIFE, OKAY?

AND I WANT MY MINI RUMSPRINGA.

I WANT ONE WEEKEND

OUT OF MY LIFE:

THAT I'M NO A BASIC MARRIED PERSON.

I DON'T REMEMBER A TIME

WITHOUT KIDDIE PARTIES,

OR PLAYDATES, OR POTTY TRAINING.

WHAT WOULD YOU GUYS DO

IF YOUR WIVES SAID

YOU COULD DO ANYTHING YOU WANT?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

I'M NOT GONNA DENY THAT I'VE

DREAMT ABOUT THIS SCENARIO,

ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS.

$50 RIB EYE.

FOLLOWED BY A NIGHT IN AN

EXCLUSIVE VIP VODKA FREEZER.

CLASSY STRIPPERS.

SHOOT, NASTY STRIPPERS.

WE SHOULD COME WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW, UH, FOR

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, EVE ALREADY THINKS YOU'RE

HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

THIS IS A PERFECT EXCUSE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK LISTENERS?

SHOULD WE ACCOMPANY ALLAN

ON HIS NOBLE QUES FOR ENLIGHTENMENT?

OH, GOD, YES, THEY-THEY SAID

YES, ALL FIVE OF THEM SAID YES.

SIX, SIX OF 'EM.

GUYS, I DON'T KNOW,

IT'S... IT'S MY RUMSPRINGA.

THAT'S TOO MANY SYLLABLES

TO GO IT ALONE, MAN.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I COULD

USE THE COMPANY, I GUESS.

- RUMSPRINGA!

- RUMSPRINGA, YAY-YAY!

[JASON DRUMMING ON TABLE,

PHIL LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

GRANDMA'S, YAY!

ALL RIGHT, LET YOUR BROTHER

IN FIRST, OKAY?

- [NATHAN] IS DADDY GONNA DIE?

- [MARIA] DADDY'S NOT GONNA DIE.

HE JUST NEEDS A BREAK RIGHT NOW.

BEFORE THEY BURN HIS WEE-WEE?

EVERYBODY IN THE CAR.

YOU'RE SAYING CRAZY THINGS.

[NATHAN] IN THE CAR CAN WE

TALK ABOUT VASECTOMIES?

[MARIA]

MAYBE NOT, I DON'T KNOW.

WILL YOU HELP YOUR SISTER

WITH HER SEATBELT, PLEASE?

[ENGINE STARTS]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[LAUGHS]

I'M ALONE.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

WHOO! AH!

AH, AH, AH!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

COME IN!

[LAUGHING]

- MM.

- WELCOME TO MY RUMSPRINGA.

- YES.

- [CHUCKLES]

IS THIS REALLY:

WHAT I THINK IT IS?

[JASON] PLEASE TELL ME

IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

I ADMIT, I MIGHT HAVE

SPLURGED A LITTLE BIT.

[LAUGHS]

REALLY?

THERE'S ENOUGH FOR ALL OF US?

- MM!

- OKAY, WAIT A SECOND,

WE NEVER DISCUSSED

THE LIMITATIONS:

OF OUR PLANNED:

"ACTIVITIES", OKAY?

- AND IF EVEN FINDS OUT ANYTHING...

- NO LIMITS.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

- NOTHING IS OFF THE TABLE.

OUR MAN ALLAN HAS

TWO MAGICAL DAYS TO DO

WHATEVER THE F*** HE WANTS

AND, YOU AND ME, WE'RE GONNA BE

SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS, GODDAMN IT,

AND WE ARE GONNA HUMOR HIM,

NO MATTER HOW:

DEPRAVED HIS ASS IS.

[LAUGHS]

ANY MINUTE NOW...

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

OH!

SIT.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

THIS IS HAPPENING!

- CLOSE YOUR EYES. [LAUGHS]

- [DOOR OPENS]

I JUST SHOULDN'T BE HERE, I

SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

HEY, COME ON IN. GOD.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

THIS IS... [LAUGHS]

- YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

- UM...

HERE YOU GO, KEEP THE CHANGE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- THAT'S A DUDE.

- YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, COME ON.

- HEY, WHAT'S IN THOSE BOXES? ARE THOSE PIES?

- [LAUGHS]

I GOT ONE OF EVERY FLAVOR.

- [GIGGLES]

- NO, UM...

HERE YOU GO. YEP.

YEAH, THIS IS COOL, BUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER?

WHAT'S NEXT?

UH, NEXT WE EAT,

WE EAT THE PIE...

WE DRINK BEER,

AND WE WATCH SPORTS,

UNINTERRUPTED.

THAT IS F***ING INCREDIBLE.

WAIT, SO YOU WANT US TO

JUST SIT HERE ALL DAY

EAT PIES AND...

- AND WATCH SPORTS?

- YEAH, YEAH.

MAYBE, MAYBE, UM, MAYBE

EVEN TAKE A NAP LATER.

NAP?

MM!

MAN, YOU GOT A RHUBARB PIE?

MM-HMM. MM, SO GOOD.

- WHERE?

- RIGHT THERE.

I GOT BANANA CREAM FILLED.

BANANA CREAM.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, SEE,

THIS IS ALL WRONG.

[STAMMERS]

HIPSTER BAKER BOY

WITH F***ING PIES?

SPECIAL, LIKE, THAT'S

YOUR SPECIAL DELIVERY?

NO, W-WHAT ABOUT ESCORTS,

AND STRIPPERS AND-AND COCAINE?

- SOMEBODY'S BEEN WATCHING TOO MANY MOVIES.

- HA!

THIS, PHIL, IS WHAT I DREAM OF.

I DON'T GET TO CHILL OU IN THE HOUSE EVER!

WATCH SPORTS.

I NEVER GET PIE.

THEY ALWAYS WANT BROWNIES,

ICE CREAM.

I LOVE PIE!

- HALLELUJAH.

- THIS IS THEM WINNING.

LOOK, DON'T YOU SEE THAT?

MARIA'S GOT YOU SO

UNDER HER THUMB,

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN DREAM OF DOING THE

SLIGHTEST THING THAT WOULD OFFEND HER.

THAT'S NOT TRUE AT ALL.

I DREAM OF CRAZY SHI ALL THE TIME.

I DREAM OF STUFF SO...

SO FRACTURED,

AND BENT, AND-AND FREAKY THAT, I MEAN,

SHE'D DIVORCE ME IF SHE EVER KNEW.

ISN'T THAT WHAT THE POINT OF

THIS F***ING RUMSPRINGA IS?

TO NOT KILL THE DREAM?

TO ACTUALLY DO SOME SH*T THA COULD GET YOUR ASS DIVORCED?

MM-MM.

NOT HIDE OUT, EATING PIE,

STUFFING YOUR FACE, SCARED OF

WHAT THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER.

YOU DISAPPOINT ME, MAN.

I THINK YOU'RE SCARED.

I'M NOT SCARED, SO...

I AM PERFECTLY HAPPY SITTING

HERE AND EATING PIE.

- SHUT UP.

- LISTEN,

YOU THINK OF SOMETHING WE SHOULD

BE DOING, WE'LL GO DO THAT.

WAIT, WAIT, WHOA,

YOU'RE GONNA LET HIM PICK?

- YOU SURE ABOUT THAT, ALLAN?

- YEAH.

NO, I MEAN,

GIVE ME A COUPLE OPTIONS...

TOO LATE!

MOTHERF***ER, TOO LATE.

- OH, JESUS CHRIST.

- WE'RE GONNA PU SOME HAIR ON THEM NUTS TONIGHT,

GODDAMN IT.

- [LAUGHS]

- ALL RIGHT, CAN I JUST FINISH MY PIE, MAN?

YOU MADE ME SO HAPPY

WITH THIS PIE.

F*** THE PIE.

DON'T F*** THE PIE,

BUT LET'S EAT IT AND BE DONE.

- COME ON.

- THANK YOU. JESUS.

- MM.

- ALL RIGHT, MEN, CHECKLIST.

- CASH. BOOZE.

- CHECK. CHECK.

- SPARE DRAWERS. RUBBERS.

- GOT 'EM. WAIT, WHAT?

HEY, MAN, LIKE A GUN,

BETTER TO HAVE AND NOT NEED

- THAN NEED AND NOT HAVE.

- WHOO! WE'RE DOING IT. [GIGGLES]

LOOK, IF EVE SMELLS ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS,

SHE'S GONNA REVOKE ALL MY PRIVILEGES.

NO, WE'RE STRICTLY

GOING JASON BOURNE.

ONLY PAY CASH,

MONITOR ALL CELL USAGE...

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, STOP.

AH, SH*T.

WE CAN'T TAKE MY CAR, MAN, EVE PU A SECRET TRACKING DEVICE IN THERE.

DAISY DID THE SAME THING TO ME.

DADS...

- OH, HELL NO.

- [LAUGHS] PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING ABOUT THAT.

I HATE THIS PIECE OF SH*T MORE THAN

I'VE EVER HATED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE,

BUT IT'S ALL WE GOT.

IT'S OUR RUMSPRINGA MOBILE.

WELL, LOOK, I'LL SAY THIS,

I MEAN, I GUESS

YOU CAN'T REALLY GET ANY MORE UNDER

THE RADAR THAN THAT THING, HUH?

- RIGHT?

- ALL I'M SAYING IS, I BETTER NOT BE ON FACEBOOK IN THIS B*TCH.

WHAT HAPPENS ON MY RUMSPRINGA,

STAYS ON MY RUMSPRINGA.

IN YOU GO.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PHIL LAUGHS]

AND HERE WE GO.

- [JASON] THERE IT IS.

- [PHIL] LITTLE PIECE OF HEAVEN.

THIS IS SO GREAT.

CAN'T BE HYGIENIC.

IT'S A RUB AND TUG,

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