Fixed Page #7

- YEAH.

- NO MORE PLAYDATES EVER.

- [LAUGHTER]

THEY'LL GO CRAZY

IN LESS THAN A MONTH.

I LIKE THAT A LOT, DADS.

LIFE GIVES YOU ORGANIC LEMONS,

YOU SPIKE 'EM.

- F*** YES.

- WHO THROWS A PARTY WITH NO ALCOHOL?

A**HOLES.

OH, LOOK WHO'S ON HIS WAY OUT.

- OH, HEY, DAN.

- THERE YOU ARE.

GREAT PARTY, BUDDY.

I'M STARTING TO FREAK OUT,

YOU GUYS.

THAT IN THERE IS ABOUT TO TURN

INTO A GODDAMN CLUSTERFUCK

IF YOU DON'T HELP ME.

THOSE, UH, ACTRESSES I, I BOUGH TO PLAY THE PRINCESSES

ARE TOTALLY LATE.

SO LITTLE SUSIE'S GONNA FLIP

IF I DON'T GET SOME

ENTERTAINMENT GOING ON IN THERE.

SO I WAS THINKING, I GOT SOME MUSIC,

WE COULD DO MAYBE A LITTLE DANCE.

- MM-HMM.

- LIKE THE OLDEN DAYS.

I NEVER LIKED YOU.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

ALLAN, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE.

PLEASE, ONE TIME.

LET'S SAVE THIS

KIDDIE PARTY, DAN.

YES! I KNEW YOU'D COME THROUGH.

- LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

- LET'S BE MEN.

- NO.

- LET'S BE MEN TOGETHER.

THANKS, MAN.

I OWE YOU BIG TIME.

I'M SO GLAD I COULD HELP, DAN.

YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY STARTED TO

SEE THINGS A LOT MORE CLEARLY.

USED TO HAVE ALL THESE FEARS,

BAGGAGE.

- OH, YEAH?

- YEAH.

USED TO THINK THAT BEING A

HUSBAND AND A DAD WASN'T ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW, I NEEDED

SOME KIND OF ESCAPE ROUTE.

- [CHUCKLES]

- MM.

WELL, I DON'T NEED THAT ANYMORE.

AND NEITHER DO YOU.

THIS, RIGHT HERE,

IS US.

WE SHOULD JUST EMBRACE IT.

- ZIP ME UP.

- OKAY, SURE.

- WHO ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE ANYWAY?

- I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

IT'S SOME STUPID-ASS

SHOW SUSIE WATCHES.

IT WAS EITHER THESE TWO GUYS

OR PRINCESS DRESSES

- YEAH.

- LOOK, MAN,

I LOVE HER.

I'D DO ANYTHING FOR HER,

YOU KNOW?

WELL, LET'S NO F*** THIS UP THEN.

[GULPS]

AH.

I GOT THE SONG QUEUED UP.

AT LEAST I THINK IT'S THE SONG.

NO.

WE'RE GONNA ROCK

THE F*** OUT OF THIS, DAD.

COME ON.

LET'S GO.

[BAWKS]

COMING THROUGH. GATHER 'ROUND.

LOOK WHAT I GOT!

LOOK WHAT'S BETTER

THAN A PRINCESS,

IT'S GARY THE CHICKEN!

IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN

A PRINCESS PARTY, RIGHT?

[BAWKING]

THEY'RE LOVING THIS.

LOOK AT THEIR FACES,

LOOK AT THEIR FACES.

THEY'RE TOTALLY HAPPY.

[BABBLING]

[LAUGHING]

[SHOUTING]

SUSIE:

THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES.

- THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT SONG.

- OKAY, OKAY.

- TAKE IT EASY, LITTLE GIRL.

- WHO ARE YOU? YOU'RE A FAKE.

- SUSIE, THAT'S NOT...

- WHERE IS THE PRINCESSES?

- THIS SUCKS!

- [KIDS BOOING]

WHO BOOS A CHICKEN?

[ALLAN]

IT'S REALLY HOT IN HERE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER

WITH YOU PEOPLE?

[BOOING CONTINUES]

YOU UNGRATEFUL:

LITTLE BASTARDS.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS!

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

PRINCESS PARTIES...

WHERE DADS COME TO DIE.

[CLAMORING]

IT'S CHICKEN FOR DINNER!

[LAUGHING, CLAMORING]

- WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- [DR. KEN] WOW, ALLAN.

THOSE ARE SOME HAIRY BALLS.

I'M GONNA GO WASH MY HANDS.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

BUT DON'T WORRY, ALLAN,

THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE

A MAN'S BALLS ANYMORE.

WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT.

WHY DON'T YOU SHAVE MY LEGS,

AND WAX MY A**HOLE AND

PAINT MY TOENAILS PINK

WHILE YOU'RE WORKING?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT KIND OF DAY I'VE HAD.

AND I AM GONNA GET THROUGH THIS.

YOU GOT MOXIE, KID.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

- WHO'S THIS?

- OH, WHAT, DIDN'T YOU KNOW?

THIS IS A TEACHING CLINIC.

THESE ARE FIRST-YEAR RESIDENTS.

- SAY HI, STUDENTS.

- HI.

IT'S THEIR FIRST VASECTOMY.

THEY'RE VERY EXCITED.

- I... NO, NO.

- NOW DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF.

I'M GONNA WALK THEM

THROUGH EVERYTHING

AND I'M GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE

IN CASE THEY CAN' CONTROL THE BLEEDING.

GAH! DR. KEN, PLEASE!

DOCTOR, I CAN'T FIND THEM.

- CAN'T FIND HIS BALLS?

- WHAT?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- THEY'RE NOT IN THERE.

OH, ALLAN, I'M SORRY,

THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

YOUR BALLS MUST'VE SHRIVELED UP

INSIDE YOUR BODY.

OH, COME ON,

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

- PROBABLY FROM LACK OF USE.

- [LAUGHTER]

THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES.

THIS IS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. NURSE,

GO GET THE PLIERS FROM THE TOOLBOX

- IN MY CAR.

- WHAT, WHAT? NO, NO, NO.

- YOU GUYS, START PRAYING. I'M GONNA GET A DRINK.

- COME BACK.

DON'T LEAVE ME!

...GIVE THIS MAN BALLS.

LORD, THY WHO GRANTS BALLS,

AND TAKES BALLS,

GIVE THIS MAN BALLS.

LORD, THY WHO GRANTS BALLS...

[MARIA]

ALLAN.

ALLAN!

HMM.

DADDY, ARE YOU

FLIPPING OUT AGAIN?

NO, BABY, HE'S NO FLIPPING OUT AGAIN.

MAYBE HE'S DYING.

- DAD, YOU BETTER SAY SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.

- ALLAN...

I'M FINE.

I'M... TOTALLY FINE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN BETTER.

[PHONE RINGING]

SHOULD I GET THAT?

NO, DO NOT GET THAT.

THAT IDIOT, CARTER, POSTED

YOUR EPISODE ON FACEBOOK.

EVERYBODY'S BEEN

CALLING ALL DAY.

YOU'VE GOT HUNDREDS OF LIKES

AND SOME REALLY WEIRD COMMENTS.

OH.

[LUCY] DADDY, YOU'RE

REALLY SCARING ME, MOMMY.

BABY, DADDY, JUST GOT TOO WARM

IN THE CHICKEN COSTUME.

THAT'S ALL, OKAY?

RIGHT, ALLAN?

FORKS ARE FUNNY.

[LAUGHING]

OKAY.

MAYBE WE'LL JUS POSTPONE THE VASECTOMY

AND... MAYBE EVERYTHING CAN GE BACK TO NORMAL AROUND HERE.

MM.

I DON'T THINK ANYTHING WILL BE

GOING BACK TO NORMAL.

KIDS?

- PLEASE GO TO YOUR ROOM.

- RIGHT NOW?

OKAY.

DADDY'S GONNA GET IT.

[TYLER]

COME ON.

[NATHAN]

BUT I'M STILL EATING.

[TYLER]

I DON'T CARE. COME ON.

[LUCY] BUT WHEN ARE WE GONNA EAT?

I'M NOT FULL.

[TYLER]

I'VE GOT SOME SWEETS IN MY ROOM.

WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THE KIND OF

SH*T YOU PUT US THROUGH TODAY?

AND NOW FORKS?

FORKS, FORKS ARE FUNNY.

- [CHAIR SLIDES]

- OH, MY GOD.

THE F***ING FORK, ALLAN.

YOU KNOW, THAT THERAPIST SAID

WE SHOWED MUCH IMPROVEMENT.

I THINK THIS IS KARMA

FOR US NOT FINISHING

OUR TREATMENT.

WELL, I LOVE YOU,

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I'M LOST, I-I DON'T KNOW

WHO I AM ANYMORE.

AND I-I'M TRYING

TO FIGURE IT OUT,

BUT IT'S... I LOOK AROUND ME

AND I SEE WHAT WE HAVE

AND I'M WONDERING WHAT...

HOW DID I GET HERE?

WHAT IS... WHAT'S HAPPENED?

YOU GREW UP, ALLAN.

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO

GROW UP ANYMORE.

AWESOME.

THAT'S GREAT.

NO, LISTEN, W-WHY...

W-WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO

WHAT'S EXPECTED OF US?

WHY CAN'T WE DO

WHAT WE WANT TO DO? WHY?

I MEAN, ARE YOU EVEN HAPPY?

HMM.

- HONEY...

- [LIQUID POURING]

WELL, I GUESS WE'RE REAL

MARRIED PEOPLE NOW.

JUST COMMON,

RUN-OF-THE-MILL,

BASIC MARRIED PEOPLE.

WE'RE NOT.

WE'RE NOT BASIC, WE'RE NO BASIC MARRIED PEOPLE.

ARE WE?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I...

WATCHED THAT DOCUMENTARY

ON THE AMISH THE OTHER DAY.

UH... THE ONE IN OUR QUEUE.

YEAH, YEAH, I'VE SEEN THAT.

IN THE QUEUE, I MEAN.

ANYWAY,

BEFORE THEY CAN BECOME FULL

AND PROPER AMISH PEOPLE,

THEY HAVE TO GO OU INTO THE REAL WORLD

AND EXPERIENCE I TO SEE IF THE AMISH LIFE

IS WHAT THEY REALLY WANT.

THEY CALL IT "RUMSPRINGA."

YEAH.

UH... DO YOU WANT ME

TO WATCH IT OR WHAT?

WATCH IT TONIGHT, IF YOU WANT.

I THINK THAT YOU NEED...

YOUR OWN MINI RUMSPRINGA.

JUST TO GET THIS

ALL OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM,

THIS... DOUBT.

UH, AND THEN YOU WANT ME

TO GET THE VASECTOMY, THEN...

IT'S NOT ABOU THE F***ING VASECTOMY, JESUS.

I WANT YOU TO DO

WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED TO DO

TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY

WITH THIS LIFE.

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