Fixed Page #6

[CHUCKLES]

MM-HMM.

- OH, REALLY?

- YEAH. YEAH.

[CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLES]

- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

- YEAH.

- OH.

[CHUCKLES]

[MOANING]

- [DOOR OPENS]

- WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU EXACTLY?

- [CHUCKLES]

- WHAT DOES WHAT MEAN TO ME, DADDY?

HEY, YOU, LITTLE GUY.

WHOA. OKAY.

- HEY.

- GANG'S ALL HERE.

- YOU'RE SO WEIRD, DADDY.

- [CHUCKLES]

MOMMY, CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU?

- YEAH, IT'S OKAY. COME ON.

- CAN I SLEEP HERE TOO, MOMMY?

- YEAH, YOU CAN, BABY.

- I CAN'T GO TO BED IN MY BED.

EVERYBODY UNDER THE COVERS.

DADDY, I NEED MY SPACE.

- YEAH.

- GIVE ME ROOM.

[MARIA] ALL RIGHT,

EVERYBODY ALL SNUGGIE?

YOU GOT ENOUGH ROOM?

- NO.

- MM.

- [LUCY] I LOVE YOUR BED.

- [MARIA] HMM.

HEY, BABE, WILL YOU

GET THE LIGHTS?

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

WHO THE F*** AM I?

[DR. KEN]

SHOW TIME.

I'LL TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE.

YOU, ALLAN, ARE A BAG OF MEA DEFINED ONLY BY THE PURPOSE

YOU SERVE YOUR FAMILY UNIT.

YOU ARE NO LONGER AN INDIVIDUAL.

YOU ARE NO LONGER

A SEXUAL BEING.

BUT I, I WANT TO BE

A SEXUAL BEING.

AND I WANT TO BE

AN INDIVIDUAL, TOO.

YOU ARE WHAT SOME

FEMALES LIKE TO CALL

- "AN EVOLVED MAN."

- MM-HMM.

IN OTHER WORDS,

COMPLETELY DEVOID

OF EVERYTHING NORMALLY

ASSOCIATED WITH THE MALE SEX,

- STRENGTH,

- [NURSE] MM-HMM.

- VIRILITY, POWER.

- MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

HEY, ALLAN, DID YOU HAPPEN

TO SHAVE YOUR BALLS?

- WAIT, WAS I SUPPOSED TO?

- [IMITATES BUZZER SOUND]

- F***!

- [LAUGHING]

IT'S LIKE A GODDAMN

POMERANIAN DOWN THERE.

DR. KEN, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?

- WAS I REALLY SUPPOSED TO SHAVE MY BALLS?

- MORE IMPORTANTLY,

ALLAN, DID YOU REMEMBER TO

TAKE YOUR PAIN MEDICATION?

YOU TOLD ME IT WAS A

PRACTICALLY PAINLESS PROCEDURE.

OH, DID I?

[ALLAN]

SO IT FINALLY HAPPENED...

FOR ME.

I NOW UNDERSTAND

WHAT EVERYBODY MEANS

WHEN THEY SPEAK OF THA MOMENT OF CLARITY.

IT WAS AN OUT-OF-BODY

EXPERIENCE.

I SAW MYSELF, MY LIFE,

- [MUTED CHATTERING]

- MY-MY... MY FUTURE.

- [KIDS CLAMORING]

- AND ALL I COULD KEEP ASKING MYSELF WAS,

"WHY DO WE ALL KEEP

WALKING AROUND:

THIS PREDETERMINED PATH?

WHY DO WE, WE KEEP EATING,

AND DRINKING, AND SHITTING,

AND DRIVING OUR KIDS

TO SCHOOL AND PLAYDATES,

AND HARDLY EVER MAKING

SWEET LOVE TO OUR WIVES?

WHY?"

AND WITH THAT, DEAR LISTENERS,

I BELIEVE WE COULD ALL

COLLECTIVELY EMBRACE

THE ENORMITY OF THIS MOMENT.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

YOU FORCE A GROWN-ASS MAN

TO CUT OFF HIS BALLS!

OKAY, JUST TO REITERATE,

THERE'S NO ACTUAL

CUTTING OF BALLS

IN THE PROCEDURE.

YOU, SIR,

YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS

INTERRUPTING ME RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

YOUR ASS IS IN THE SHU,

FOR LIKE A YEAR.

LOOK, I WAS SHOWING

MY KIDS CAT VIDEOS,

I GUESS IT WAS STILL

CONNECTED TO THE TV.

I-I DIDN'T KNOW, MAN.

DO YOU HAVE IDEA THE SHI THAT DAISY PUT ME THROUGH?

SHE WANTS THE KIDS TO

GET F***ING THERAPY.

- WHERE THE F*** IS HE GOING?

- [DOOR OPENS]

[ENGINE STALLING]

COME ON, COME ON!

- [JASON] ALLAN, MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON.

- PIECE OF SH*T!

- ALLAN, COME ON, MAN, LOOK...

- YOU PIECE OF SH*T!

YOU F***ING MOTHERF***ER

PIECE OF SH*T!

- [JASON] OH, SH*T.

- COME ON!

COME ON, YOU MOTHERF***ER!

START!

I TOLD YOU SO.

YOU REALLY BLEW IT, BUDDY.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT TO DO WITH THIS.

JUST TRY SOMETHING, OKAY?

JUST ANYTHING.

I-I-I THINK I CAN GET HER TO GO

FOR THE SUV WITH THE THIRD ROW,

BUT I-I NEED... I NEED A MINUTE.

I-I GET IT, MAN, I GET IT.

[SIGHS]

I GOT TO CALL MARIA,

GET HER OUT OF WORK EARLY,

GET HER TO... PICK UP

TYLER FROM HIS CLUB,

NATHAN FROM HIS PLAYDATE,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE LUCY IS.

- YOU NEED A LOANER?

- YES. DO YOU HAVE ONE?

[LAUGHS]

OF COURSE I HAVE A LOANER.

- OH, THANK YOU.

- I JUST GOT THE TITLE YESTERDAY.

MY A**HOLE CUSTOMER

DIDN'T PAY HIS BILLS,

SO I TOOK POSSESSION.

- THE 350.

- NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT!

THIS IS MY CAR,

THIS IS THE LOANER.

NO, NO, NO, THAT'S A MINIVAN.

- THESE THINGS ARE CLASSICS NOW.

- WHAT ABOUT THIS?

WHAT-WHAT'S-WHAT'S... TROOPER.

NO, THAT IS A CUSTOMER CAR,

THIS IS THE LOANER.

- THAT'S...

- LOOK, I KNOW IT'S NOT SUV

WITH THE THIRD ROW, BUT IT RUNS.

NO, PLE... I-I DON'T WANT IT, I DON' WANT IT, I DON'T WANT IT. IT'S...

WOULD YOU RATHER CALL YOUR WIFE

AND HAVE HER COME PICK YOU UP?

NO, NO.

I'LL GET THE KEYS.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

BULLSHIT. MOTHERFUCKING

PIECE OF SH*T.

I'M NOT A MINIVAN PERSON.

I DRIVE A JEEP.

A MAN DRIVE'S A JEEP.

PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT ME,

PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT ME.

IS MY VOICE CHANGING? JESUS.

MY VOICE.

[GRUNTS]

[CAR HONKS]

F*** YOU. F*** YOU.

LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY.

UGH. OH, JESUS CHRIST.

OH, YEAH, OF COURSE

YOU DON'T WORK.

DAD, WHAT IS THIS?

- IS THIS YOUR MINIVAN?

- I KNOW.

I KNOW, OKAY? I'M S...

[CHUCKLES]

JUST, COME ON, GET IN.

- NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

- WHAT?

GET-GET IN THE CAR.

YOU THINK I LIKE THIS?

HEY, LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES,

YOU KNOW?

- I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHOICE.

- YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.

- JUST GET IN THE CAR.

- DOES MOM KNOW?

YOU'RE ASKING ME TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

JUST CUT IT OUT!

JUST GET IN THE CAR, OKAY?

GODDAMN IT.

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, BUDDY,

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

THIS...

THIS IS A PIECE OF SH*T.

[JASON]

UH, ALLAN, ARE YOU OKAY?

[ALLAN]

I JUST NEED A DRINK.

[PHIL]

YEAH.

THERE YOU GO.

- [GULPS, THEN GROANS]

- YOU NEED ANOTHER ONE?

YEAH, I MEAN, I CAN GE ANOTHER BOTTLE AND GET SOME...

NO, NO, I'M FINE.

YOU KNOW WHY I'M FINE?

BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN MY LIFE

FROM THE OTHER SIDE.

OH, SH*T.

NO, NO.

- AND I'VE REALIZED SOMETHING:

- [LIQUID POURS]

IT CANNOT POSSIBLY

GET ANY WORSE.

OKAY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

DON'T, UH, DON'T SAY THAT.

NO, NO. IN ONE WEEK'S TIME,

I'M GOING TO GET A VASECTOMY

THAT I DON'T WAN AND THEN EVERYTHING

WILL BE BETTER.

MAYBE THE WOMEN ARE RIGHT.

OKAY?

MAYBE THE BIG SNIP

IS THE LEAST WE CAN DO.

WOMEN DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING.

WHAT ARE WE SAYING? WE...

WE'RE HORNY ALL THE TIME.

[SNARLS]

[SIGHS]

HEY, MAN, HE'S NO GETTING ANY BETTER.

I MEAN, SHOULD WE CALL SOMEBODY?

CALL WHO?

A SHRINK?

- HIS WIFE?

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

I THINK IT IS TIME

THAT WE ALL STAR DOING OUR FAIR SHARE.

MAYBE WE'D ALL BE GETTING

LAID A LOT MORE.

NOW,

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE GOT A PRINCESS

PARTY TO GO TO.

F***ING MEN.

WE F*** IT UP.

- DAMN.

- THERE IS ACTUALLY, LIKE, A PRINCESS PARTY, RIGHT?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- OH, HI, MOM.

- WHAT'S UP, MOMMY?

YOU DIDN'T WEAR

ENOUGH PINK TODAY.

GOOD TO SEE THE DADS

PULLING THEIR WEIGHT.

OH, DID WE HAVE ANOTHER CHOICE AFTER

JASON'S STUNT THE OTHER NIGHT? PRICK.

WHERE'S THE BOOZE?

- OH, THERE'S NO ALCOHOL.

- NO.

- WHAT?

- UH, ORGANIC LEMONADE

- AND GLUTEN-FREE COOKIES.

- OH.

HEY, GREAT, DELICIOUS. MM.

THE HELL KIND OF

PRINCESS PARTY IS THIS?

- THE STUPID KIND.

- VERY BAD KIND.

DADDY, I WANT A WAND.

I WANT A WAND.

YES, I'M WATCHING YOU.

GO AHEAD, GO GET A WAND,

GET A WAND.

- YAY.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING THA AND WE HAVE A PLAN B.

LET'S DO THAT PLAN B.

- LET'S BLACKLIST THESE A**HOLES.

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