Fixed Page #5

YOUR AGE WHO DOESN'T EXERCISE.

CONGRATULATIONS,

YOU ARE A COMPLETELY

AVERAGE CANDIDATE

FOR A VASECTOMY.

GREAT. GOOD FOR ME.

OH, NO, NOT ANOTHER ONE.

- WHAT'S-WHAT'S THAT?

- WHY ARE YOU HERE?

IS IT THE WIFE?

DID SHE FORCE YOU TO COME?

NO. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I... I'M HERE. IT'S MY DECISION.

WHY, DO YOU GET A LOT OF MEN

WHO ARE HERE AGAINST THEIR WILL?

ARE YOU SCARED, ALLAN? DO YOU WAN ME TO MAKE UP SOME BULLSHIT STORY

WHY YOU'RE NOT A GOOD

CANDIDATE FOR THE PROCEDURE?

- YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?

- OF COURSE NOT.

THAT WOULD BE UNETHICAL,

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

I... THAT'S... NOT WHAT I MEANT.

I... JUST I WAS ON THE INTERNE AND, UH, IT'S A RELATIVELY

SAFE PROCEDURE,

- BUT THERE ARE INSTANCES...

- NEVER GO ON THE INTERNET. EVER.

LOOK, A VASECTOMY

IS NOT A CASTRATION.

YOUR BALLS STAY PUT.

YOUR PENIS AND:

YOUR SEMEN WILL LOOK,

AND PERFORM AND, YES,

EVEN TASTE THE EXACT SAME WAY.

IT'S PRACTICALLY PAINLESS.

AND I GUARANTEE YOU, AFTERWARDS,

YOU'LL STILL BE A COMPLETE

HORN DOG.

BASICALLY, APAR FROM SHOOTING BLANKS,

NOTHING WILL CHANGE. EXCEPT THE

FACT THAT YOU WILL HAVE PROVEN

YOURSELF TO BE A COMPLETELY

P*SSY-WHIPPED MALE

- OF THE HUMAN SPECIES.

- WHAT? WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY?

I SAID RECOVERY TAKES

NO MORE THAN A WEEK,

AND, BEYOND ICING AND...

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

WHAT WAS THAT...

WHAT'D YOU SAY RIGHT BEFORE?

[EXHALES]

THAT BAD, HUH?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- I THINK I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

- YOU DO?

COME ON.

[GLASSES CLINKING, LIQUID POURS]

I SEE MEN LIKE YOU ALL THE TIME.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,

MEN LIKE ME?

MARRIED MEN, LATE 30S

TO MID 40S,

KIDS, HOUSE, RESPONSIBILITIES,

MODERATE TO SEVERE

DISCONTENT WITH THEIR LIVES.

- MEN LIKE YOU.

- WELL, I LOVE MY WIFE

- AND MY KIDS.

- IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.

IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING

TO DO WITH THE VASECTOMY.

HONESTLY, ALLAN, I CAN

DO IT IN 15 MINUTES FLAT.

IT HAS TO DO WITH YOU,

AND YOUR DREAMS,

AND YOUR FANTASIES.

I GOT A FEW OF THOSE.

[CHUCKLES]

NOTHING WEIRD OR

ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

WHEN I GRAB:

MY SURGICAL SCISSORS

AND SEVER YOUR VAS DEFERENS,

ALL THOSE COMPLETELY

UNREALISTIC FANTASIES

THAT YOU'RE STILL

HOLDING ONTO, GONE.

IT'S JUST YOU,

AND THE COMPLETELY BORING LIFE

YOU'VE BUILT FOR YOURSELF.

OKAY, BUT, IT'S...

IT'S ALL REVERSIBLE, RIGHT?

- I MEAN...

- SEE, THAT'S JUST IT.

"HEY, WHAT HAPPENS IF

IN A YEAR,

I BUMP INTO A:

VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL

AND SHE FALLS DESPERATELY

IN LUST WITH ME AND WANTS

TO BEAR MY CHILDREN?"

NO, REVERSAL SHOULD

NOT BE AN OPTION.

SUCCESS RATE IS INCONSISTENT.

ALLAN, A VASECTOMY IS FOREVER.

MM.

WELL, THANK YOU, DR. KEN,

THAT'S VERY HELPFUL INFORMATION.

DID YOU, UH, EXPERIENCE

THE SAME THINGS, UH...?

OH, GOD, NO.

DO YOU SEE A RING?

NEVER. I F***ING HATE KIDS.

I AM KEEPING MYSELF... WHOLE.

- YOU KNOW?

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I THINK THEY CAN SENSE IT.

A WOMAN HAS THIS NATURAL URGE

TO SEEK OUT THE MOS POWERFUL STALLION

AND LET HIM RAVAGE HER.

EVEN THE MARRIED ONES.

AH, OKAY.

SO, WHAT, UH, YOU'RE SAYING

I-I-I SHOULD NOT GE A VASECTOMY, THEN.

HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING AT ALL?

YOU AND ME, WE'RE DIFFERENT.

COMPARING IS POINTLESS.

WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS EITHER

WORK THROUGH YOUR FEARS

AND ACCEPT YOUR BORING, SAD

MIDDLE-AGED MARRIED LIFE,

- OR NOT.

- OKAY.

I'M GONNA SCHEDULE

YOUR APPOINTMENT FOR...

NEXT MONDAY.

MON-MONDAY? MONDAY?

YEAH, GET THE WIFE

OFF YOUR BACK.

YOU HAVE A WEEK TO DECIDE.

EITHER WAY, STOCK UP

THE FRIDGE WITH FROZEN PEAS.

GREAT FOR THE SWELLING.

[SIGHS]

[KIDS CLAMORING]

[JASON]

ALL RIGHT, GUYS...

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, JUS BE CAREFUL, JUST BE CAREFUL,

AND... WAIT, DON'T DO THAT,

DON'T DO THAT.

AND DON'T JUMP ON

THE COUCH EITHER.

AND JUST STOP, STOP, STOP

JUMPING ON THE COUCH,

AND PUT THAT DOWN, ALL RIGHT?

- I'M JUST GONNA PUT A MOVIE ON FOR YOU, OKAY?

- [MAN] HEY, HEY.

[JASON]

STOP IT. STOP, STOP, STOP.

[MAN]

DON'T JUST STAND THERE, MAN.

COME ON, COME ON.

IF THE LITTLE F***ERS

DON'T SEE US,

- THEN WE ARE NOT HERE.

- OH, NO,

YOU NEED SOMETHING

STRONGER THAN THAT.

- OH, THANKS.

- GONNA BE A LONG MOMS' NIGHT OUT.

WHAT'S UP, ALLAN? ENJOYING YOUR

BALLS WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THEM?

- [CHUCKLES]

- YOU SAID SOMETHING.

[LAUGHS]

OH, AND HEY,

HOW'S THAT VAGINA WORKING

OUT FOR YOU, JASON?

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

GOD, JUST GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN,

- I GOT ALL YOUR KIDS OUT THERE.

- NO, "SORRY" DOESN'T CUT IT FOR YOU.

YOU VIOLATED A CODE.

THEY'RE GONNA BE TALKING

ABOUT THIS SH*T,

- DRINKING COSMOS TONIGHT.

- MM-HMM.

ALLAN'S THE BEGINNING.

- CONSULTS ARE COMING.

- GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, UH,

I'M-I'M ACTUALLY FEELING

A LITTLE BETTER ABOUT ALL THIS.

DR. KEN, HE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL.

- YOUR UROLOGIST?

- YEAH.

AND HE'S MORE

THAN THAT, HE'S UM...

VASECTOMY IS NOT JUS ABOUT STOPPING OUR SPERM,

IT'S ABOUT... KILLING OUR

DREAMS, IN A GOOD WAY.

OR NOT.

IT'S, UH, IT'S-IT'S ABOU WHO WE ARE AS MEN.

DR. KEN DIDN'T REALLY

HELP ME AT ALL,

- I'M-I'M PRETTY CONFUSED STILL.

- HEY, FOCUS.

- ARE YOU GONNA GO THROUGH WITH IT OR NOT?

- JUST PLEASE DON'T.

FOR ALL OF OUR SAKES.

- DON'T BE LIKE JASON.

- YES!

- IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

- I BET YOU ENJOYED

THE DOCTOR FONDLING

YOUR COIN SACK.

PROBABLY THE MOST ACTION

YOU HAD IN MONTHS.

HOW CAN YOU EVEN

LOOK IN THE MIRROR?

JESUS CHRI... SO, WHAT? YOU GUYS

WANT MORE KIDS, IS THAT IT?

YOU WANT A THIRD ONE, PHIL?

YOU WANT A FOURTH KID, ALLAN?

I MEAN, LOOK,

IT DOESN'T HURT AND IT DOESN' EVEN LEAVE A SCAR.

I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU.

IF YOU TAKE THOSE SHORTS OFF,

I SWEAR TO YOU, I...

YOU TAPED YOUR OWN VASECTOMY?

I DID, BUT IT'S NO COMING UP FOR SOME REASON.

I THINK IT'S

CONNECTED TO THE TV.

[KIDS SCREAMING]

- OH, MY GOD!

- WHOA, WHOA!

OH, MY GOD. OKAY.

NO, NO, NO. OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE THING IS. COME ON,

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, YEAH.

SAMMY! SAMMY, DON'T LOOK, DON' LOOK, SAMMY. CLOSE YOUR EYES!

OKAY, OKAY.

OH, MY GOD, THERE IT IS.

ALL RIGHT.

HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON,

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

THE THING IS JUST...

[CLAMORING]

- [BODY THUDS]

- OKAY.

WE'RE NOT GONNA TELL MOM ABOUT THIS, HUH?

NOBODY TELLS ANYBODY MOM.

WHO WANTS COOKIES?

I GET ONE NIGHT A MONTH WHERE I GET TO CHILL

OUT WITH MY FRIENDS WITHOUT THE KIDS,

AND NOT AN HOUR INTO IT,

I GET THE PHONE CALL.

ONE HOUR, ALLAN.

I'M SORRY.

DID YOU REALLY PASS OUT?

[LAUGHS]

YUP, LAUGH AT YOUR HUSBAND,

GO AHEAD.

NOT LIKE I COULD BE

HUMILIATED ANY FURTHER.

WHO VIDEOTAPES THEIR VASECTOMY

ANYWAY? I MEAN, WHAT DOES HE DO?

JUST SIT THERE AND WATCH I FROM TIME TO TIME,

JUST REMINISCING

ABOUT THE GOOD TIMES?

MEN ARE SO WEIRD.

HEY.

I'M SORRY.

HEY, LOOK,

I SAW THE PROCEDURE

ON THE CALENDAR.

I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GONNA

GO THROUGH WITH IT.

IT'S JUST PENCILED IN.

I COULD CANCEL AT ANY TIME.

WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU'RE

NOT CANCEL IT RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT LIKE

THOSE OTHER DADS.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH

THIS MEANS TO ME, RIGHT?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes