Fixed Page #4

- WELL, IT'S GETTING FIXED.

- YOU SHOULD GET A MINIVAN.

THERE'S SO MUCH SPACE.

JASON LOVES OURS,

DON'T YOU, JASON?

UH, YEAH, IT'S...

TOTALLY, IT'S GOOD.

AND WE LOOKED INTO

GETTING ONE, TOO, RIGHT, PHIL?

[EVE] ALLAN, YOU SHOULD

TAKE A TEST DRIVE.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. I WOULD

LOVE TO COME WITH YOU, BABE.

YEAH, WE SHOULD. I DON' HAVE THE TIME NOW, BUT...

YOU GOT A LITTLE TIME.

- STAY STRONG, BROTHER.

- OH, PHIL, REALLY.

- WHAT?

- IT'S A CAR, PHIL.

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU

AND THIS CHILDISH FEAR

OF LOSING YOUR MANHOOD?

CHILDISH? WHY?

BECAUSE I DON'T WAN MY BOY TO END UP

- LIKE CAPTAIN MINIVAN OVER HERE?

- OKAY, OKAY.

THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR,

PHIL.

[ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]

- HE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT.

- NO.

I KNOW YOU THINK

JASON IS LESS OF A MAN

BECAUSE HE'S A DECEN HUSBAND AND FATHER.

I KNOW THAT.

HE'S TOLD ME YOU BULLY HIM.

- WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NO, I DIDN'T...

- BULLY HIM?

- YES, YOU DID.

- EVE, I'M MERELY BRINGING TO LIGH THE SHORT-ASS LEASH

YOU KEEP HIM ON.

MY MAN IS SO MISERABLE,

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT.

JASON IS NOT MISERABLE.

YOU'RE NOT MISERABLE.

NO, HE'S NOT. JASON, YOU ARE

A GREAT FATHER AND KNOW THAT.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS SUMMER

CAMP WE'RE SENDING THE KIDS TO

- [PHIL] YEAH.

- BECAUSE IT'S INCREDIBLE.

NO. FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

- JASON IS PERFECTLY HAPPY.

- YEAH.

AND HE IS NOT AT ALL CONFUSED

ABOUT HIS MANHOOD LIKE YOU.

HE IS, IN FACT, SO CONFIDENT,

THAT HE GOT A VASECTOMY, AND HE'S

MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE.

WOW.

- REALLY?

- YOU DID WHAT NOW?

YOU GOT A SECRET VASECTOMY?

AND WE'RE MORE HAPPY FOR IT.

I'M GONNA CHECK ON

THE KIDS RIGHT NOW.

NO, NO, DON'T BE ASHAMED.

THAT'S THE CRUELEST SHI I'VE EVER HEARD.

WHY? BECAUSE HE MANNED UP,

AND DID SOMETHING AND

HELPED WHERE HE COULD, PHIL?

I ACTUALLY THINK

IT'S A ROMANTIC GESTURE.

I MEAN, YOU WOULD

DO THAT FOR US, RIGHT, BABE?

WE-WE-WE WERE TALKING...

UH... DISCUSSING THE... WHAT?

PHIL, YOU WOULD DO I FOR DAISY, RIGHT?

IF SHE ASKED,

IF IT WERE IMPORTANT?

- HELL NO!

- OH, COME ON.

- WOW.

- THAT'S CUTTING ME DOWN,

AND NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

AFTER ALL I WENT THROUGH

FOR YOU?

- REALLY?

- OH, NO, DON'T START THIS.

- WOW.

- NO, YOU KNOW, I THINK THE PROBLEM IS

IS THAT NONE OF YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTES CLUE WHAT WOMEN GO THROUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE ONE OF YOU

BLEED OUT OF YOUR D*CKS

FOR A WEEK A MONTH, AND THEN

SEE IF YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT PMS.

- EXACTLY.

- WHAT ABOUT BREASTFEEDING, OKAY?

BECAUSE ALL THE... OH,

IT'S SO NATURAL, IT'S SO GOOD.

- HONEY, COME ON.

- SO, WAIT,

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY

YOURSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGH BECAUSE YOUR INFANT CHILD

HAS CHEWED YOUR NIPPLES RAW.

AND THEY GET ENGORGED,

AND INFECTED.

IT'S TERRIBLE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE HAVEN'T EVEN MENTIONED

CHILD BIRTH YET.

OKAY, PHIL, JUST TAKE IT BACK

RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

I WENT THROUGH NINE MONTHS

OF THROWING UP:

TWICE A DAY FOR LITTLE SAMMY.

36 HOURS OF LABOR.

- I HAD 42.

- AND... AND A

FOURTH-DEGREE VAGINAL TEAR.

- MM.

- DO YOU KNOW

WHAT A FOURTH-DEGREE

VAGINAL TEAR MEANS?

- [JASON] NO.

- IT MEANS I WAS TORN

ALL THE WAY UP TO MY A**HOLE.

MY A**HOLE!

DID YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW

MANY STITCHES THEY PUT DOWN THERE?

DO YOU KNOW HOW TERRIFIED

I WAS TO TAKE A SH*T?

- YES!

- IT'S SO SCARY.

AND I HAD TO:

PUT THE CREAM DOWN THERE

- EVERY TIME I GOT NERVOUS.

- IT'S SO SCARY.

AND Y'ALL PUSSIES, Y'ALL PUSSIES

ARE FREAKING OUT ABOU A MOTHERFUCKING 20-MINUTE,

OUT PATIENT, NO SCALPEL,

VASECTOMY!

EVE PROMISED THA SHE WOULD NEVER...

DON'T.

JUST... NO.

MARIA IS GONNA:

BRING THIS UP AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT, I'M REALLY SORRY,

BUT, YOU KNOW,

IT WASN'T THAT BAD.

- I WAS...

- I SAID...

NO.

WE LOST A LOT OF GROUND TODAY,

BUT, ALLAN, THE BATTLE'S

NOT OVER, MAN.

I-I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME.

MM.

MM.

SO TODAY WAS SOMETHING.

- MM. YEAH.

- WASN'T IT.

I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT.

YOU ARE NOT LIKE PHIL. OR JASON.

REALLY? DO YOU MEAN THAT?

YEAH, OF COURSE, BABE.

LOOK, I GET IT.

I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD'VE

THOUGHT I'D BE SUGGESTING A MINIVAN.

MM.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

LIKE, ALL I KEEP THINKING IS

WE'RE NOT OLD,

WE'RE NOT OLD PEOPLE.

JUST... WHAT THE HELL

WE DOING DRIVING THAT?

LOOK AT US.

WE'RE YOUNG, WE'RE TOTALLY HIP,

AND WE PLAY GAMES, WE...

[CHUCKLES]

KNOW ALL THE LINGO.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

YEAH.

BUT...

- WHAT?

- I MEAN, YOU KNOW...

WHAT? WHAT?

WELL, I CAN' GO BACK ON THE PILL,

AND I-I HATE CONDOMS

JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

AND WOULDN'T IT BE NICE

IF WE COULD JUST...

BE SPONTANEOUS?

YOU KNOW, DO I ANY TIME WE WANTED?

ANYWHERE?

ANY TIME?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

WELL, I DON'T KNOW,

MAYBE WE COULD JUST...

FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE

MINIVAN THING, YOU KNOW?

JUST GET AN SUV WITH ONE

OF THOSE THIRD BACK ROWS.

- I MEAN, THEY'RE JUST AS ROOMY, RIGHT?

- OH, REALLY?

- YES. [LAUGHS]

- OH, MY GOD.

[BOTH MOAN]

I DON'T KNOW, I COULD...

CALL A DOCTOR IN THE MORNING

AND AT LEAST MAKE A

CONSULTATION, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I THINK THA IS A VERY GOOD IDEA.

MAYBE WE COULD START BEING A

LITTLE MORE SPONTANEOUS RIGHT NOW.

- [CHUCKLES]

- MM-HMM.

[CHUCKLES]

WHAT?

[SNORING]

REALLY?

[MUTTERING]

[DOOR OPENS]

DADDY?

CAN I HAVE SOME WATER?

CAN YOU SING ME A LULLABY?

[ALLAN]

TELL ME,

AND DO NOT SPARE MY FEELINGS,

WHAT DID I DO?

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

GUYS?

[SNAPS]

BACK ON TOPIC, SPORTS TODAY.

UH, YOU HAD KIDS.

- GOT THE DRAFT COMING UP.

- WITH A WOMAN.

RIGHT? NOBODY FORCED

YOU TO DO THAT.

GUYS, WE GOT A NEW SUBSCRIBER.

LET'S HOLD ONTO HIM.

I LOVE MY KIDS.

[SIGHS]

- WE ALL LOVE OUR KIDS.

- WE ALL LOVE OUR KIDS.

ALTHOUGH, MY YOUNGES JUST STARES AT ME

WITH THESE DEAD EYES SOMETIMES.

IT'S SO SPOOKY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO EDIT THAT OUT. I'M

NOT GOING BACK TO THE DOG HOUSE FOR YOU.

PLEASE, OUR WIVES

DON'T LISTEN TO THIS.

YEAH, SO,

MARIA COMES OU WITH IT LAST NIGHT,

THE, UH, THE PEACE

TREATY, YOU KNOW?

NO MINIVAN AND LOTS OF SEX.

IN EXCHANGE FOR...

WHAT? GET THIS IN WRITING, MAN.

YOU TAKE THIS DEAL

BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND.

- GODDAMN IT, JASON, NO!

- [ALLAN] NO.

WHY-WHY SHOULDN'T I DO IT? I MEAN,

I HAD LOST EVERYTHING ALREADY

WHAT'S A LITTLE VASECTOMY

IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS?

- NOTHING, IT'S JUST A VASECTOMY, MAN.

- THEY TELL YOU

THAT THEY'LL CONSIDER

THE SUV WITH THE THIRD ROW,

BUT THEY NEVER MEAN IT.

THEY TELL YOU THA YOU WILL GET MORE SEX,

BUT THEY NEVER MEAN IT.

ALLAN, RESIST.

- TAKE THIS DEAL, IT'S SO SWEET.

- SHUT UP.

IT'S VERY CONFUSING,

IT'S VERY, VERY CONFUSING.

[PHIL]

NO, IT'S NOT, IT'S SIMPLE SH*T.

[EXHALES]

SHOW TIME.

LAY BACK ON THE TABLE

AND PUT YOUR FEE IN THE STIRRUPS, COWBOY.

COME ON, DAD.

I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.

UH, OKAY.

[GROANS]

- [LIGHT BUZZES]

- OKAY.

- [GROANS]

- THERE THEY ARE.

TWO OF 'EM

- GOOD TO KNOW.

- SMOOTH.

SMALLISH.

- FINE.

- [GROANS]

SIT UP.

OKAY.

YOUR URINE SAMPLE

CAME BACK CLEAN.

YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT, BU WHO ISN'T IN THIS COUNTRY?

YOUR FAMILY DOCTOR SEN OVER YOUR BLOOD TES AND THEY ARE NORMAL FOR A MAN

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