Fixed Page #3

AND RELATIVELY PAINLESS,

YOU KNOW?

THERE'S NO PILLS, NO HORMONES,

YOU KNOW?

NO CONDOMS.

[MARIA SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

WHAT DID YOU...

- ARE YOU KIDDING?

- NO.

JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

[SIGHS]

[SNORING]

WAIT, WHAT?

ONE MINUTE, I'M ABOUT TO

FINALLY HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE,

AND THE NEXT,

SHE'S SUGGESTING I GET A...

I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT OUT LOUD,

I...

JINXED.

I TOLD YOU.

SHE PROBABLY SENSED

YOUR HAPPINESS:

AND INSTINCTIVELY

SHUT YOUR ASS DOWN.

JUST LIKE A WOMAN.

AT LEAST YOU GOT CLOSE, MAN.

I'M HAPPY TO GET ANY KIND OF SEX

THAT EVE WILL...

REWARD YOU WITH?

TALK TO ME, MINIVAN MAN,

HOW OFTEN IS EVE

REWARDING YOU WITH SEX?

LIKE, A LOT... LIKE, OFTEN.

HANDIES DON'T COUNT.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG

WITH MASTURBATION.

WHAT HAPPENS? WHAT HAPPEN...

I MEAN, WE-WE HAD KIDS

BECAUSE WE LOVED EACH OTHER,

WE COULDN'T KEEP OUR HANDS

OFF EACH OTHER.

NOW SHE'D RATHER GO TO SLEEP

THAN HAVE SEX.

WELL, THEY'D ALL RATHER

GO TO SLEEP THAN HAVE SEX,

OR DO THEIR TAXES, OR EAT,

- OR PLAY CANDY CRUSH.

- THAT'S JUST COMMON-ASS SENSE.

- BUT A VASECTOMY?

- LOOK, IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF SWEE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE WANTS

TO KEEP YOU AROUND, JUST NOT YOUR SPERM.

[PHIL] SWEET. YOU REALLY

WANT HIM TO GO OFF

AND GET HIS NUTS CUT OFF

VOLUNTARILY?

THE F*** KIND OF

FRIEND ARE YOU, J?

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE DO.

WE DRAW THE LINE

AT THE F***ING BALLS.

YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T ACTUALLY

CUT YOUR BALLS OFF.

- THEY MIGHT AS WELL.

- YOU'RE PICTURING, LIKE, A TOM AND JERRY CARTOON

- WHERE HE'S TIED TO THE LOG...

- I'M PICTURING HELL, MAN.

WHAT'S FOR LUNCH, DADDY?

UH, PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY,

- AND SOME, UH...

- AND CHEESY ROUNDS?

- CHEESY ROUNDS, FINE.

- I WANT CHIPS.

NO, NO GUNS, OKAY? NO MORE GUNS.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE APPLES.

- NO APPLES.

- NO, NO.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE

A HEALTHY LUNCH, OKAY?

OKAY, KIDS, COME ON,

WE ARE LATE.

LET'S GO. OH, HEY, THANKS, BABE.

GREAT. LAST NIGHT WAS KIND OF

FUN, RIGHT? HMM?

ALL RIGHT, GUYS,

DON'T FORGET YOUR BACKPACKS.

CAN WE PLEASE CLOSE THAT?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

GRAB YOUR BACKPACK. THANK YOU.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE

IN DADDY'S CAR.

- ME NEITHER, IT SMELLS OLD.

- OKAY, WELL, YOU GUYS CAN COME WITH ME,

- BUT AS LONG AS WE HURRY, OKAY?

- YAY!

WE GOT TO GO, WE GOT TO GO NOW.

- LET'S GO.

- NOTHING WRONG WITH DADDY'S CAR, OKAY?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

[LUCY]

BYE, DADDY.

WE'RE LATE.

[GROANS]

OKAY. [COUGHS]

WHERE ARE MY KEYS?

[MARIA]

GOOD ONE, GUYS.

EVERYBODY IN.

LET YOUR BROTHER IN FIRST.

[ALLAN] OKAY. TYLER YOU'RE

COMING WITH ME, RIGHT?

[MARIA]

BYE, TYLER, I LOVE YOU. BUH-BYE.

ALL RIGHT, BUDDY.

BUCKLE UP, RIGHT? OKAY, GOOD.

[ENGINE STALLING]

[MARIA]

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

BABE, WHY DON'T YOU

GO FOR A TEST DRIVE TODAY

WHILE IT'S IN THE SHOP,

JUST FOR FUN?

- [LUCY] DADDY, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

- NO, IT'S GONNA BE FINE.

- YOU BROKE IT ALREADY.

- IT'S GONNA BE FINE, IT'S JUST...

- [ENGINE STARTS]

- OH! HERE WE GO.

OH, LOOK, LOOK HE'S GOT IT.

THERE HE GOES. WAY TO GO, DADDY.

- NICE.

- ALL RIGHT, SAY GOODBYE TO DADDY.

- THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME.

- BYE, TYLER.

[KIDS CLAMORING]

F***.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK AT THAT.

GOT YOU HERE SAFE AND SOUND.

NOT EVEN THAT LATE.

[SIGHS]

NO, I'M NOT GETTING A MINIVAN.

THERE'S NO WAY

I'M GETTING A VASECT... OH.

UGH.

I WENT TO THE STUPID THERAPIST,

THAT WAS ENOUGH.

- WHAT DO I GET OUT OF THAT?

- DON'T GIVE UP, DAD.

[STAMMERS] WHAT, LITTLE DUDE?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

LOOK, I DON'T CARE ABOU THE STUPID CAR, OKAY?

JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF.

YOU HAVEN'T SHAVEN IN DAYS,

YOU DON'T SLEEP,

YOU TALK TO YOURSELF.

I DON'T REALLY TALK TO MYSELF,

DO I, LITTLE DUDE?

STOP CALLING ME "LITTLE DUDE."

MY NAME IS TYLER.

DAD, SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED

TO YOU, TO YOUR DRIVE,

TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM,

IT'S NOT GOOD.

YOU'RE NOT THE MAN I REMEMBER

WHEN I WAS YOUNG.

NATHAN AND LUCY HAVE THIS

STRANGE IMPRESSION OF YOU,

LIKE REALLY WEIRD.

SO JUST...

DON'T GIVE UP.

OKAY.

HEY... BYE... HAVE A GOOD DAY.

OH...

JESUS.

F***...

ME.

JESUS. F*** ME.

SO I'M GOING TO MAKE HUGE FAVOR

FOR YOU AND MARIA

SINCE YOU'VE BEEN

COMING HERE FOR YEARS.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

I'LL GET YOU $500 FOR THE PARTS.

[SIGHS]

OKAY.

THAT'S 500 BUCKS

AND THEN THAT'S IT,

THEN IT'S FIXED, OKAY.

NO, NO, NO,

I TAKE APART THE CAR,

I SELL THE PARTS,

I GIVE YOU $500,

YOU GO HOME.

WHAT? NO, NO. NO, NO, NO,

I DON'T WANT THAT.

I WANT TO,

I WANT TO FIX THE CAR.

- I WANT TO FIX IT.

- MAN, I'M ALWAYS HONEST WITH YOU, RIGHT?

THIS CAR IS PIECE OF SH*T.

- ISN'T IT TIME YOU THINK ABOUT MINIVAN?

- WHAT?

DID MARIA CALL YOU?

OH, THAT'S... THAT'S-THAT'S...

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DID THAT.

IT'S NOT SO BAD.

MY WIFE DRIVE MINIVAN.

LOTS OF SPACE.

YEAH, DO YOU DRIVE IT?

YOU TOOL AROUND TOWN IN IT?

[MAN LAUGHS]

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT'S THE-THE LAUGH?

ALLAN, MY FRIEND,

MINIVAN IS GOOD,

ESPECIALLY FOR A GUY LIKE YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN

"A GUY LIKE ME"?

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

THIS CAR IS DYING.

YOU'RE GOING TO END UP

WITH MINIVAN EVENTUALLY.

WHY FIGHT IT?

PLEASE, JUST-JUST-JUST...

I WANT YOU TO,

I WANT YOU TO FIX THIS, OKAY?

- PLEASE.

- IF I FIX THIS,

- NO PROMISES.

- [SIGHS]

BILLY, WE FIX THIS SH*T.

[PHIL] SHE'S FRIENDS

WITH YOUR MECHANIC NOW?

[ALLAN]

MM.

SHE'S CROSSED THE LINE, MAN.

WHAT LINE?

WITH THEM, THERE ARE NO LINES.

WITH US,

THERE'S NOTHING BUT LINES.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

[PHIL]

IT'S A TRICKY ONE.

SHE'S ATTACKING YOU

ON THREE FRONTS:

MINIVAN, VASECTOMY AND SEX.

SHE'S SMART, MAN,

SHE'S VERY SMART.

OH, SHE'S A GENIUS, SHE'S...

YEAH. AND YOU WILL NOT WIN

ON ALL THREE FRONTS.

ACTUALLY,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN ON TWO.

- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE.

- I'D KEEP MY CAR.

NO, WAIT, MY BALLS.

SH*T. WHAT'S UP

WITH THE SEX AGAIN?

OH, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON,

THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO

BE LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW SHE'S ALREADY

RECRUITED EVE?

YOU KNOW THIS, UH,

LUNCH WE'RE HAVING ON SATURDAY?

- OH, THE LUNCH?

- YOU NEED A PLAN.

YOU NEED TO FOCUS

ON THE MINIVAN,

AND PUT THIS VASECTOMY SHI ON THE TABLE FOR A MINUTE...

NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

ALLAN, LISTENERS,

YOU REPEAT AFTER ME:

I AM A MAN, UNLIKE JASON,

AND I WILL NOT GET A MINIVAN!

- I DON'T WANT TO.

- I WILL STAY STRONG

AND I WILL RESIST.

COME ON, MAN, SAY THIS SH*T.

YOU GOT TO PUT IT OUT THERE.

[CHATTERING]

STAY THE COURSE, GENTLEMEN,

WE ALMOST GOT THROUGH THIS.

[EXHALES] WE MIGHT GE OUT OF THIS YET, BOYS.

SMILE, SMILE THROUGH IT.

WORSE COME TO WORSE,

KEEP 'EM PLIED.

THERE'S MORE SANGRIA

IN THE KITCHEN, RIGHT?

THERE'S SO MUCH SANGRIA.

- NO, NO, KEEP IT HAPPY, YOU KNOW?

- MM-HMM.

YOU GOT THIS.

[CHATTERING]

UM, HEY, ALLAN,

I HEAR YOU GUYS ARE HUNTING

FOR A NEW CAR.

UH... NO, IT'S-IT'S...

MY CAR IS JUST IN THE SHOP,

AND JUST GETTING FIXED.

IT RUNS GREAT, ACTUALLY.

- OH, I THOUGHT, UH...

- NO, UH, IT'S MORE OF LIKE A BAND-AID,

THOUGH, RIGHT, BABE? IT'S NO REALLY, LIKE, FIXED YET.

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