Fixed Page #11

MIGHT'VE THOUGHT THAT WAS HOT.

IT'S ALL I'M GONNA SAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN, I KNOW THAT I SHOULD

PROBABLY DO IT, OKAY?

I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

BUT IT'S ALL JUS SO FINAL, YOU KNOW?

AND...

[SCOFFS]

I FEEL LIKE A P*SSY, ALL RIGHT?

BUT I-I-I THOUGH ALL THE FREAKING OU WAS, WAS GONNA BE DONE

WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED

AGAIN WHEN WE HAD KIDS.

W... WHEN DOES IT END?

THAT'S HAPPILY EVER AFTER

FOR YOUR ASS, MAN.

- IT'S MESSY AS F***.

- [CHUCKLES]

I CAN'T HELP IT,

BUT, SOMETIMES...

I JUST WANT TO RUN.

- WOW, YEAH.

- [CHUCKLES]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

THEY WOULD JUST FIND US.

I CAN HEAR DAISY RIGHT NOW,

"NO! NO! WHERE YOU GOING?

NO, I GOT DREAMS TO CRUSH.

YOU AN A**HOLE,

BUT YOU'RE MY A**HOLE.

MY A**HOLE!"

- [ALL LAUGH]

- "MY A**HOLE."

"UH, BABE? BABE,

UH, WHERE YOU GOING?

YOU'RE TOO DUMB

TO FIND ANOTHER WOMAN."

- [CHUCKLES] "TOO DUMB."

- DAMN.

UH, YEAH, SHE WOULD SAY,

"UH, JASON,

THERE'S NOTHING

TO BE ASHAMED OF.

YOU JUST DON'T HAVE

ANY WORKING SPERM.

NOW WIPE THIS KID'S A**HOLE,

HE'S GOT DIARRHEA."

EVE IS COLD, MAN.

[LAUGHS]

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER,

SOMETHING'S GONNA CHANGE.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT, BUT I

KNOW I AM NOT GETTING A MINIVAN.

- THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT!

- [LAUGHS]

- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

- GOOD LUCK TO YOU, DUDE.

GOOD LUCK ON THAT ONE.

OH, OH SH*T!

WE ARE LIVING!

THIS IS WHAT IT'S ABOUT, MAN!

- COME HERE, MOTHERF***ER, I LOVE YOU!

- [LAUGHTER]

I LOVE YOU TOO, YOU A**HOLE,

YEAH, GIVE ME A HUG.

- [PHONE CHIMES]

- COME HERE, COME HERE.

- NO, GIVE ME MORE, MAN.

- NO, NO, NO.

- YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT.

- NO, NO, NO!

- [LAUGHS]

- ALL RIGHT, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

I'LL GIVE YOU THAT, I DO.

YOU'RE A BAD MOTHERF***ER, MAN.

- CHEERS.

- OH.

MM.

[DR. KEN]

HAVE YOU BEEN HAVING FUN, ALLAN?

WHOA. YOU AGAIN.

- SO YOU THINK YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE FIGURED OUT, IS THAT RIGHT?

- YES.

I MEAN, NO, NO, NO.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

NO, I DON'T.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WELL, YOU SCARED AWAY

MY RESIDENTS, ALLAN.

NO, THAT WAS, THAT WAS A DREAM.

THAT'S...

[CHUCKLES]

WHAT IS... OH!

WHY AM I TIED UP?

WHAT IS...

WHAT IS THAT BLO...

WHAT IS THAT BLOOD?

WHAT IS THAT PAIN?

WHAT IS THAT PAIN?

YOU MOVED.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO MOVE,

AND YOU MOVED.

HE SHOULDN'T HAVE MOVED.

YOU NICKED IT?

YOU NICKED IT?

YOU REALLY NICKED IT?

HOW BAD?

OH, IT'S REAL BAD.

THE GOOD NEWS IS

I CAN 100% GUARANTEE

THIS VASECTOMY'S EFFECTIVENESS.

NO. NO!

EE!

- [LAUGHS]

- GET ME OUT OF HERE!

UNTIE ME!

I'M GONNA CUT YOUR BALLS OFF

AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER, BUDDY,

IT'S ALL A DREAM.

- F*** YOU!

- AND YOU GOT EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT, RIGHT?

NO, F*** YOU, F*** YOU!

- [LAUGHS]

- OH, I HATE YOUR FACE.

I HATE YOUR F***ING FACE.

[GROANING]

YOU...

YOU GOT ME, DR. KEN!

YOU PUNKED ME, YOU PRICK!

HEY, GUYS?

OH, THERE'S A F***ING TICKET.

OH, SH*T, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

HEY.

- WE SLEPT IN.

- OH, F***.

- WHAT TIME IS IT?

- AH!

OKAY.

[GROANS]

WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S OKAY, IT'S 6:00.

IT'S 6:
00.

OH, F***, IT'S 6:00 P.M.

[PHIL SNORING]

- GET UP, PHIL.

- [GRUNTS]

WHO F***ING? WHO F***ING?

[GROANS]

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

[GROANS]

- NO.

- OH, SON OF A B*TCH.

WE SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE...

[GROANS]

LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF SH*T.

F***!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S OVER.

WHY DON'T WE JUST BURN

THIS F***ING VAN?

LET'S JUST BURN

THE F***ING VAN.

F*** IT, LET'S DO IT.

OH, MY GOD. OKAY.

- I'LL BURN THIS VAN.

- IT'S ALL YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PUT IT AWAY, PUT IT AWAY.

YOU'RE NOT BURNING THE VAN.

YOU GOT TO TAKE KIDS TO SCHOOL,

YOU GOT TO GO TO WORK.

WE'RE DADS.

WE DON'T DO THAT SH*T.

RUMSPRINGA'S NOT OVER.

WE STILL GOT TIME.

- ALL RIGHT.

- COME ON!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S-LET'S REGROUP.

IT'S WINNING TIME.

- THERE'S UBER.

- LET'S GET A... LET'S UBER!

- LET'S UBER! THAT'S THINKING.

- GET SOME FOOD

- COME ON! TITTIES!

- AND SEE SOME TITTIES.

[ALL]

TITTIES.

- TITTIES.

- TITTIES IT IS.

[MAN] WHOO! [LAUGHS]

OW, MY HEAD.

IT'S LITERALLY ABOU TO EXPLODE RIGHT NOW.

LIKE, LITERALLY.

IF YOU WANT, I CAN GO ASK

THEM TO TURN THE MUSIC DOWN

FOR YOU THERE, OLD DAD.

I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE

WE SLEPT THROUGH

HALF OF YOUR RUMSPRINGA.

OH, IT'S FINE.

AND, YOU KNOW WHAT?

AFTER EATING PIES,

SLEEPING IN WAS NUMBER TWO

OF TWO ON MY BUCKET LIST.

- [LAUGHS]

- YEAH, WELL, THERE WILL BE AN ADDENDUM

THAT INVOLVES THAT GIRL'S ASS

- [MEN CHEERING]

- IN YOUR LAP, I PROMISE.

SOON AS I GET MY STRENGTH.

SHE'S VERY LIMBER.

OH, LOOK AT THOSE

DUDES OVER THERE.

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT WHAT IT'D

BE LIKE IF WE GOT TO GO BACK

AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN?

[JASON]

WE'D BE LIKE THOSE A**HOLES?

I'M GETTING EXHAUSTED

JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

LIKE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHERE I WOULD START.

WHAT DID WE USE TO DO ALL DAY?

I MEAN, YOU CAN ONLY JERK OFF

SO MUCH, RIGHT? MAN, F*** THEM.

F*** HIM AND HIS PERFECTLY

MANICURED HAIR AND BEARD COMBO.

F*** THAT MOTHERF***ER 'CAUSE HE REMINDS

ME TOO MUCH OF ME TEN YEARS AGO.

IT'S LIKE BIZARRO PHIL

RIGHT THERE.

AND F*** HIM BECAUSE

HE JUST LOOKS TOO GODDAMN HAPPY.

HE IS HAPPY, SON OF A B*TCH.

YOUTH IS OVERRATED.

YEAH.

I MISS MY KIDS.

RIGHT NOW,

AS YOU STARE AT THAT ASS,

YOU MISS YOUR KIDS?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET THAT SHE IS

STRIPPING TO SUPPORT HER OWN KIDS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAN ACTUALLY SEE HER

BEING A REALLY GOOD MOM.

NO, NO!

WHILE SHE'S ON THE POLE,

SHE'S NOT A MOM, ALL RIGHT?

- I MISS MY KIDS, TOO.

- OH, SH*T.

- DON'T YOU MISS YOUR KIDS, PHIL?

- YES!

YES, I MISS MY F***ING KIDS,

ALL RIGHT?

IN FACT, NEXT TIME,

WHY DON'T WE BRING THEM ALONG

SO WE CAN NOT MISS THEM

WHILE WE WATCH:

THIS NON-MOM SHAKE HER ASS

AS A FAMILY UNIT?

THAT SOUND LIKE A PLAN?

- [CHUCKLES]

- GUYS?

I KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA DO IT.

WHAT? WELL, WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND,

YOU STILL GOT A COUPLES HOURS LEFT.

YEAH, I MEAN, DON'T DO

SOMETHING YOU MIGHT REGRET.

WELL, ALSO, DON'T NOT DO SOMETHING

BECAUSE YOU MIGHT REGRET THA BECAUSE THAT'S A MISTAKE ALSO.

YOU KNOW WHAT, BOYS?

I THANK YOU FOR YOUR WISE

AND SAGE ADVICE.

BUT I'M GONNA ADD AN ITEM

TO MY RUMSPRINGA BUCKET LIST.

THE THIRD AND FINAL ITEM...

AND I'M GONNA

NEED YOU TO JOIN ME.

COME ON, COME ON,

COME ON, COME ON.

DAY'S A-WASTING. HEY.

ARE WE DOING THIS,

CAPTAIN MINIVAN?

YOU ALL LOOK AMAZING,

BY THE WAY.

- YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD DANCER.

- THANK YOU.

COULD YOU, COULD YOU

LET ME UP THERE:

AND DANCE JUST A LITTLE BIT?

- UH... SURE.

- LIKE A MINUTE, YOU KNOW?

- COME ON, 100 BUCKS.

- YEAH, WELL, SURE.

I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY?

OH, HERE YOU GO, TAKE ONE.

- YEAH, LET'S DO IT.

- AWESOME.

HELP ME UP, HELP ME UP.

- ALL RIGHT.

- [GROANS]

OH, GOD.

- YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

- [MEN CLAMORING]

YOU KNOW, I WATCHED A LO OF JANET JACKSON

WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

I SAW JANE WORK LIKE THIS ONCE.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW WE DO I IN JAIL, FELLAS.

I KNOW THIS IS WHA Y'ALL REALLY WANT, RIGHT?

[CLAMORING CONTINUE]

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