Fixed Page #12

YEAH!

- OH!

- HEY, ALLAN,

I THINK THIS DANCE PARTY'S

TAKING A TURN, MAN.

- CAN WE LEAVE?

- DANCE PARTY WAS NOT ON MY LIST.

[STAMMERING] WELL, THEN WHA ARE WE DOING HERE, DUDE?

COME ON, ARE YOU READY?

YEAH, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN

IN A FIGHT BEFORE, ALLAN.

NEITHER HAVE I.

WHOO!

- [KARATE NOISES]

- THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT!

- [CLAMORING]

- TAKE THESE.

[GRUNTS, WOMAN SCREAMS]

[YELLING, SCREAMING]

COME ON!

OH!

DANCE FIGHT!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GROANS]

LET'S GO, BUDDY.

[GRUNTING]

OH, MY GOD!

[BOTH GRUNT]

YOU READY TO GO NOW?

RUMSPRINGA!

YEAH, BOY!

[ECHOING]

ON TOP.

[ALL LAUGHING]

MERRY RUMSPRINGA, MAN.

BEST DAY EVER.

[LAUGHS]

ASIDE FROM THE BIRTH

OF MY FIRST CHILD.

- YEAH, YEAH.

- AND THE SECOND, AND THE THIRD.

I FEEL VERY GOOD.

- WE SHOULD COORDINATE OUR NEXT MID-LIFE CRISIS.

- OH.

I AM GETTING SO TIRED

OF COMING IN HERE.

WHO'S GONNA MAKE THE CALL, HUH?

ANYONE? COME ON.

DAISY WOULD NEVER LET ME

HEAR THE END OF THIS.

I CAN'T ASK EVE,

SHE WOULD CASTRATE ME.

- DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO SHUT UP?

- YES.

THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?

HEY, OFFICER, CAN'T WE, UH,

JUST WALK OUT OF HERE LIKE MEN?

NO, YOU NEED A RESPONSIBLE

ADULT TO DRIVE HOME, OKAY?

AND THAT'S FINAL.

F***ING DADS.

[SCOFFS]

WELL, WE'RE SCREWED.

DON'T WE KNOW ANYBODY THA CAN KEEP THEIR MOUTH SHU AND BE COMPLETELY

NON-JUDGMENTAL?

THERE IS ONE PERSON.

[WANG]

YOU BOYS ARE SO:

F***ING STUPID.

[LAUGHS]

WHOO, YOU OWE ME BIG TIME.

AND APART FROM ALL THE MONEY,

Y'ALL GONNA HAVE SEND ME

A LOT OF REFERRALS.

AND EACH OF YOU:

IS GONNA HAVE TO OPEN UP A LEAST 20 FAKE YELP ACCOUNTS.

AND YOU BETTER LEAVE ME

GOOD REVIEWS.

HEY, HEY, WANG, ARE YOU SURE

I CAN'T SIT IN THE FRONT?

WHAT DID I JUST SAY TO YOU?

- YOU SAID NO.

- I SAID NO, GODDAMN IT.

SH*T. I LOVE YOU BOYS, BUT IF

YOU DON'T PAY ME MY MONEY,

I'M GONNA TELL ALL Y'ALL WIVES.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, PLEASE DON'T.

- NO, NO, NO, PLEASE, PLEASE.

SH*T, THEN DON'T F*** WITH ME.

[ENGINE STALLING]

OH, NO, B*TCH. NO, YOU DIDN'T.

- BOYS?

- UH-UH.

I DECLARE MINI RUMSPRINGA

OFFICIALLY OVER.

- YOU MOTHERF***ER!

- WELL, THEN OUR JOB HERE IS DONE.

- [CHUCKLES, WANG YELLING]

- YOU GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, BROTHER?

- I THINK SO, YEAH.

- DON'T YOU MAKE ME PULL OUT THAT GODDAMN STICK.

NOW, IF ANYBODY ASKS...

- YOU MOTHER...

- [MEN] NOTHING HAPPENED.

- [ENGINE STARTS]

- THAT'S IT. RIGHT, GODDAMN IT.

THAT'S RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, NOW. LET'S GE OUR ASSES UP OUT THE F*** OUT OF HERE.

- [CHUCKLES]

- AH.

HEY.

- HEY.

- WHAT, UH...

HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?

UH... YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

ACTUALLY, NO, I DO NOT.

THAT'S GOOD

BECAUSE WE ALL KIND OF SAID

THAT WE WOULD ALL SAY

NOTHING HAPPENED.

SO...

DID YOU FIGURE IT OUT?

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?

IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

- [GRUNTS]

- F***ING A**HOLE!

YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING WORRIED

YOU HAD ME ABOUT YOU?

- HEY, HEY, HEY, PLEASE...

- NO, AND THEN EVE AND DAISY,

THEY'RE TELLING ME YOU'RE GONNA

BACK WITH AN STD

OR, LIKE, BE IN JAIL

OR SOMETHING.

COME ON, WHAT? JAIL?

THAT'S CRAZY.

- [STAMMERS] STD.

- WHAT?

[STAMMERING]

I DON'T HAVE AN STD.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- NO, I'M NOT... NO.

- THERE'S NO WAY.

- I WOULD CUT YOU.

I WOULD END YOU, END YOUR LIFE.

YOU WOULD BE DEAD.

WE WOULD PRAY FOR YOU

BECAUSE YOU'D BE DEAD.

NO MORE.

WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN?

YOU'D BE A LITTLE WIDOW.

- WIDOW, WIDOW MARIA.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK IF...

DO THE...

[MOANING]

- I MISSED YOU.

- I MISSED YOU.

NOT YET... OH.

MM, WAIT, UM, ALLAN?

WAIT, ALLAN... JUST ONE THING.

- HONEY, I'M GONNA GET THE VASECTOMY.

- NO.

- OKAY? I'M NOT EVEN, I'M NOT EVEN AFRAID OF THAT ANYMORE.

- NO.

BUT I DON'T WAN THE MINIVAN, OKAY?

I WILL GET THE...

I WILL GET THE SUV

- WITH THE THIRD ROW, OKAY? NOT THE MINIVAN.

- OKAY.

- ALLAN...

- UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO HAVE THE MINIVAN.

- I WILL NOT BE HAPPY ABOUT IT.

- ALLAN, FOR F***'S SAKE. JUST...

OKAY, LOOK, YOU KNOW HOW I'VE

BEEN HAVING HEADACHES LATELY

AND-AND I'VE BEEN TIRED

AND KIND OF A B*TCH?

- NO, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN... NO, YOU'RE JUST YOUR NORMAL,

- OKAY, OKAY.

LOVING, LOVING SELF.

LOOK, UM...

BABE, I'VE BEEN

NAUSEOUS ALL WEEK.

NO. ARE YOU SICK?

I TOOK A HOME TEST.

THE DOCTOR CONFIRMED IT.

WE'RE...

WE'RE HAVING NUMBER FOUR.

I TOLD YOU YOU DIDN' KNOW HOW TO PULL OUT.

NO, NO. WHAT?

- THIS... THAT ONE TIME?

- THE ONE TIME.

BUT-BUT I DIDN'T... I NEVER...

I WANTED TO,

BUT I-I... THE CONDOM BROKE

AND I DIDN'T EVEN...

ALLAN?

- BABE? ALLAN?

- NO, NO. UH...

ALLAN, DON'T YOU FREAK OU ON ME RIGHT NOW.

- I JUST W... WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- BABY? BABY?

- IT'S OKAY. I KNOW, I KNOW.

- I WANTED TO FINISH, BUT...

- I DIDN'T ACTUALLY, UH...

- IT'S OKAY. BABY, JUST BREATHE.

- JUST BREATHE, IT'S OKAY.

- I DIDN'T ACTUALLY...

- NO, IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE.

- THE CONDOM BROKE!

YOU'RE FREAKING OU RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

ALLAN, PLEASE,

YOU'RE SCARING ME RIGHT NOW.

- IT'S NOT FUNNY. I KNOW IT'S NUMBER FOUR...

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH DADDY?

- WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS FACE?

- WE SHOULD CALL THE COPS.

NO, NOBODY IS CALLING

ANYBODY, OKAY?

EVERYBODY BACK TO BED, OKAY?

BACK TO BED, GUYS!

GUYS, COME ON.

DAD? DAD, BREATHE.

WE SHOULD CALL AN AMBULANCE.

[ALL CLAMORING]

ALLAN, YOU'RE SCARING THEM. PLEASE DO

NOT DO THIS. GUYS, GO BACK TO BED.

[CLAMORING CONTINUES]

[ROARS, LUCY SCREAMS]

I KNOCKED YOU UP

AND I DIDN'T EVEN CUM!

- OH, MY GOD.

- OH!

I'M THE BIGGEST STUD

OF ALL STUDS!

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, AND I LOVE YOU.

- AND I LOVE YOU!

- OKAY, DADDY'S FINE.

OKAY, DADDY'S FINE.

OKAY, BACK TO BED.

[ALL CLAMORING]

- OKAY.

- I LOVE YOU.

- YOU'RE CRAZY.

- I LOVE YOU.

UM, WE'RE HAVING NUMBER FOUR.

[CHUCKLES]

JEEZ.

W-WHAT'S THIS?

WHOA.

YOU'RE LIKE A WILD WOMAN.

WHAT... I'VE NEVER

SEEN THIS LOOK.

OH, GOD!

WHOA!

I AM GOING TO:

F*** YOUR BRAINS OUT.

OH, MY GOD.

[BOTH MOANING]

- OH, MY GOD.

- OH, YEAH.

- I LOVE YOU.

- SHUT UP.

- [CHUCKLES] OH, GOD.

- OH!

- I'M GONNA KISS YOU.

- NO, SHUT UP, I DON'T CARE.

- [LUCY YELLING]

- HOLD YOUR EARS, KIDS!

MOMMY AND DADDY ARE

HAVING SEX! OH, GOD.

- OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD.

- OH, THEY CAN HEAR US. OKAY.

- SHUT UP.

- [BOTH LAUGHING]

[KIDS CHATTERING]

IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY. HOLD ON.

- OH!

- OH!

I FINISHED.

[LAUGHS]

SHUT UP.

[PHIL]

SO, DEAR LISTENERS,

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY WE LEARNED

THROUGH ALL THIS, HUH?

NOT A GODDAMN THING.

THERE'S NO MORAL TO THIS STORY.

NO, NO, NO, I THINK WE LEARNED

SOMETHING, SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

YEAH, THERE'S MORE THAN

ONE WAY TO TRACK A PHONE.

I MEAN, EVE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

SHE'S SO SMART.

SH*T, REALLY? MAN, SHE

BETTER NOT TALK TO DAISY.

THAT WILL BE MY ASS,

I'M TELLING YOU.

LET'S JUST, LET'S JUST...

GO BACK TO TALKING

ABOUT SPORTS, OKAY?

SPORTS I UNDERSTAND,

WOMEN, KIDS, TECHNOLOGY,

- NOT SO MUCH.

- YOU WANT A MORAL TO THIS STORY? I'LL GIVE YOU ONE:

GET THE DAMN VASECTOMY BEFORE YOU SCREW

UP PULLING OUT AND GET YOURSELF STUCK

WITH NUMBER FOUR.

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