Flashbacks Of A Fool Page #3

Or do I have to chop 'em all meself?

Yeah, I'm coming.

We were just talking.

I better go back.

See you later, Joe.

I hate holidays as I much as I hate

sport, and that's saying something.

I'm gonna have to go, Grace.

I might come by later.

- Bye.

- Bye, then.

I think this is ready for pouring.

Evelyn should keep that child

locked up at home.

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop!

That was a good day's work.

I enjoy the satisfaction

of doing small things well.

Goodbye, Peggy Tickell!

Goodbye, Peggy Tickell!

Off already, Mrs Rogers?

Yes. I don't like to overstay

my welcome.

I know when I'm wanted. Make it

pretty bloody obvious, don't they?

I've spent all day

doing their bloody cauliflower!

Joe?

Joe!

What?

I want you to do something for me.

Can you take these over to Evelyn,

please?

OK.

Say thank you to her for me.

Hi, Joe.

I was about to get in the bath.

- Mum asked me to bring these round.

- Come in.

Go through.

I was being a terrible tease earlier on.

You don't mind, do you?

No.

Did you like kissing me?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Would you like to do it again?

You look like you would.

Yeah.

Would you, Joe?

Your mum'd kill me if she found out.

She wouldn't find out.

I suppose she wouldn't.

You are very, very naughty.

Hey, you two, what's going on?

Quick, it's Jack!

Do your trousers up!

Quickly! Come on! Come on, out.

Out, come on! Get out!

Sh*t! He's back early!

Come here, my beautiful girl!

- What's happened?

- Jesse thumped Jane.

Jesse, you can't go around

thumping people, you know.

- She hit me first!

- I did not!

Alright, that's enough.

Joe, how are you?

Haven't seen you for a while.

- OK, let me take her.

- No.

She's fine now.

Mum asked me to bring some piccalilli.

Piccalilli! Lovely.

- You gonna stop for a cuppa?

- No, I've got to take Jesse back.

Say thanks to your mum

for the piccalilli.

Shall we go and find you

some sweeties? Yeah?

How long did God take

to make the world?

Six days, and he rested on the seventh.

He should've taken longer.

He would have done a better job.

I could've done better.

Come on, I'll race you.

85, 86, 87, 88, 89,

You bastard!

That's 50 pence you owe me, Hubble.

I hope you die next time.

How come you can do 106 seconds

and I can't even do 30?

God-given talent I didn't ask for.

It's Ruth Davies.

Oi, Ruth!

I really wanna f*** you!

Well, if you do, Kevin Hubble,

and I ever find out...

She wants me.

- This is boring!

- What?

F***!

Wotcher, Ruth.

Hi, Joe.

Sh*t!

You look tired.

- Do I?

- Yeah.

Well, I keep dreaming

that I can't sleep

and I wake up exhausted.

F***!

See what you made me do?

I'm gonna go.

See ya.

Do you wanna come?

- What, me?

- Yeah.

OK.

Joe! I thought

we were going to the pictures.

Slight change of plan.

Jammy bastard!

Oh, the Jean Genie lives on his back

The Jean Genie loves chimney stacks

He's outrageous,

he screams and he bawls

The Jean Genie, let yourself go

Who do you like more, Bowie or Roxy?

I can't choose,

cos they're both brilliant.

- You have to.

- It's impossible to choose.

If you asked me Bowie

or Deep Purple

or Roxy and Black Sabbath,

then I could choose.

But not Bowie and Roxy.

Thanks, but I don't smoke.

Right.

Here, try this on.

So do you know

what this song is about?

No.

It's about Jean Genet.

He's a French writer.

See, Jean Genie,

it's just a clever wordplay.

"He says he's a beautician and sells

you nutrition. " He sells drugs.

"The Jean Genie lives on his back. "

He's a poof.

"The Jean Genie loves

chimney stacks. " He loves cocaine.

- What?

- He loves chimney stacks.

- What goes up chimneys?

- Smoke.

- And what makes smoke?

- Coal.

Yeah. And coke.

"He's walking on snow white. "

It means he's walking on cocaine.

How do you know

that's what he means?

I read it in NME.

Boots chucked his girlfriend because

she couldn't sit through a Bowie album.

- He likes Bowie?

- He loves Bowie.

Boots is a nose-picker.

The kind who wipes his hand under

the seat if there isn't a tissue handy.

- Or even if there is.

- How do you know that?

I'm a good judge of character.

I'm not saying I mind.

I'm just saying I know.

Come on,

let's get another drink.

Red or white?

- White.

- Why are you whispering?

Relax. There's no one here.

- Can I have a look around?

- Sure.

- What are you doing?

- This carpet is unbelievable.

- How do you keep it so clean?

- No one's allowed in this room.

- Sorry.

- I don't care.

You can lay on it all you want.

This feels good.

I read that book by whatshisname.

- William Burroughs

- Yeah. Junkie.

Did you like it?

No, not really.

So it's back to The Hobbit, then.

How fantastic is this song?

How could you choose between

Bryan Ferry and David Bowie?

They're gods.

Come on.

You do the backing vocals

on the next verse.

- What?

- Come on.

OK.

This is what you do.

Think Roxy girl.

I'm gonna be Bryan.

When will I see you again?

When will we share

precious moments?

- How about tomorrow?

- OK.

- We could go to the pictures.

- OK.

- I'll meet you at the arcade at seven.

- OK.

Can I kiss you?

OK.

Tomorrow, then.

Seven o'clock.

We're not gonna catch anything

if those prats are splashing about.

You never see kestrel any more.

You used to be able to look up,

catch 'em on the wind.

Now you'll be lucky.

Hey, Joe, remember when we used

to go fishing with your dad?

He snared hundreds of pikes, Joe's dad.

Didn't even use a rod. He used,

like, this old leather bootlace.

He'd see a pike

laying in the riverbed,

and he'd take this old lace

and make it into a loop.

He'd hang the loop from a pole

and gradually, gradually just

lower it down in front of him.

He'd go into the slipknot

and onto the bank. Caught hundreds.

- Can you give me a hand?

- (Kevin) Oi, Joe!

"Well, if you do, Kevin Hubble,

and I ever find out!"

"Don't hurt me, Joe. Please don't

hurt me! I've never done it before. "

- "I'm a virgin. "

- You're such a moron, Hubble.

Wanker!

- You know Erich Conrad's a poof?

- No, he's not.

He is. He told his brother

and his brother told me.

He realised he was a poof when

he was watching wrestling on the telly

and he got an erection.

Erich Conrad's a poof.

I knew that. He got a hard-on

while watching the wrestling.

You know Billie Jean King?

She's a lesbian.

Joe's Aunt Peggy's a lezzer.

No, she's not!

Why does she look like a bloke, then?

You're a f***ing retard, Hubble!

He's trying to f*** me!

- He's trying to f*** me!

- Come back here.

My granddad just visited

a German concentration camp.

Said it was the most horrible place.

Everyone on the tour was crying.

Everything there is kept original.

He said Germans eat twice as much

as we do in England.

And the men, they walk around with

great big arses on 'em like women.

Old people loved the war. They

always cheer up when it's mentioned.

My grandma doesn't like foreigners.

She thinks of Indians and Africans

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