Flawless Page #3

OK, OK.

What the f*** you doin'?

All right, we had a few words.

None that we haven't heard or used

before. So is that it? You just quit?

F*** you!

F*** you, too.

F*** you!

Having no trouble with the F sound?

Get out!

Get out! F***in' f*ggot.

Fine, fine!

I told your doctor it would never work.

- You. You talked to D-Dr. Nirmala?

- Yeah.

Nirmala?

Yeah.

She's a fine woman. She helped a friend

of mine who died of Al DS. Miss Burma.

And also, if I was gonna teach you, I

wanted to make sure I was doing it right.

Like Anne Bancroft, you know.

The Miracle Worker.

I don't need no fag with a heart of gold.

Honey, you see

a crown of thorns on my head?

Only rhinestones, sweetheart.

I am no Brother Teresa.

I told you, I need the money.

I got big plans.

Oh!

Got a letter from Ed Koch.

Ah, when New York was fun.

Oh! You're a bowler.

That's so cute.

Third place. Pretty good.

Oh, I always heard

you were some kind of hero.

Yeah. Look where it got me.

Oh, hey. You know?

You got a rough break. Who did n't?

Look, I see you sittin' there all alone

you know, all the time.

Hidin' from life, you know?

Life. Life is sh*t.

Aren't you just a little ray of sunshine?

Allow me to leave you sitting all alone on

your pity pot, cos I've been there before.

Poor me, poor me

pour me another, all right?

OK.

Oh, honey, are you coming upstairs?

You know, to face the music

like the man you're supposed to be?

Or should I just get Dr Kevorkian's

f***ing phone number for you?

Your favourite note.

Oh, that was so adorable.

All right, play that funky music, white boy!

OK. I think you're doing

pretty good with the scales.

We need to start workin' on a song, OK?

All right.

Oh, listen.

Everything's Coming Up Roses?

Peppy, positive, Sondheim.

No? OK, OK. Moving right along.

Probably you 're into Sinatra.

Although I don't do Sinatra. Although

I'm sure I'm the only girl who hasn't.

I... I like the tango.

So... you're a tango dancer?

Are you?

Was. Was.

Yeah.

You will be again, though. I know

I know a song you'd probably love.

All right, hold on.

It's right here.

Sorry, girl.

We didn't know you was entertaining.

We're going downstairs for some pizza.

We were gonna go watch Carmine twirl

that pizza dough with his big muscles.

- You wanna come with us?

- Ladies.

This is Walt from downstairs.

He's taking singing lessons, all right?

Well, Mary, I just wanna find out

about my blue dress.

I'm sorry. This will only take one minute.

You better watch out for Rusty, honey.

She likes you "straight" guys.

Miss Thing, shove a land mine

in that big hole you call a mouth.

How you doin', baby? My name is

Cha Cha de los Santos Prez Cueva.

You can just call me Cha-Cha.

Oh, I'm sorry. You have

a My Left Foot thing going on, don't you?

All right, out, out, out! Out!

I think we got the message! Come on!

Yoo-hoo, Miss Taco Bell.

Vmonos. Vmonos.

- Bye, Mr. My Left Foot.

- Vmonos. Vmonos.

All right, I'll take a Mido!

Miss you already!

Sorry about that. They are so much work.

All right. Is this the real you or what?

Give me some men

who are stout hearted men

Who will fight for the right they adore

Ooh, macho man!

The macho man! I kill bear! Sh*t in woods!

Am I right? You'll love it, honey.

All right. Now, we can start with.

From the top of that song

I thought would be really good.

How long you been doing this?

Singing?

No, no. This drag queen type of thing.

Well, I've been in musicals

at school, ever since I was a little kid.

You know, I was Prince Chulalongkorn

in The King And I.

Bu t I was miscast

Then I was the lion in The Wizard of Oz

and I was definitely miscast

but I was the only one...

fat enough to fit

into the costume. Whatever.

And then in The Snow Queen

I was again totally miscast as the king.

We were all on stage

and they had made these dry ice kettles

so smoke could come out of 'em.

And one night, all of a sudden

one dry ice kettle exploded

and dry ice flew everywhere.

Well, pretty little Miss No Talent

who was playing the snow queen

dashed off the stage screaming

and pulling her hair out.

Well, the play must go on, I believe

and she had dropped her crown.

Well, honey, I just picked up that crown

put it on my head

and I was the greatest

goddamn snow queen

In the history o f PS 11

Paramus, New Jersey.

And I have been

wearing dresses ever since.

Bu t I don't like

the term "drag queen", you know?

Because most drag queens just

wanna parade around looking lawless.

and if they sing

they lip synch to records and...

I'm a singer...

and I'm a female impressionist.

I'm an artist, you know?

Who do you think

you're bull... bullshitting?

You 're a f***in' drag queen!

Let me savour those lovely words

for a moment, all right?

What are you, channelling Jesse Helms?

Don't be so... so sensitive.

You. You can take a dick.

you can take an insult.

Right, Walt.

I'm not so... stupid as you think.

Honey, you could never be as stupid

as I think you are, all right?

Yes?

I owe you two weeks, right?

Yes

And there's a week in advance.

I'm getting a motorcycle.

Can I park it in the back so it's safe?

A motorcycle.

It's $50 additional every week for parking.

$50?

No problem.

Take it easy.

Would you like a receipt for that?

No, I trust you. Why don't you

lighten up a little bit, Leonard?

- Cone on, Tasha.

- Bye

Have a nice evening.

Don't push me! Don't push me!

Please don't push me! Just go!

Don't call my f***in' house! Jesus!

Wait! Wait!

No, wait!

Look, Im sorry! Please stay!

Please!

- We're gonna start with "Shirley, Shirley".

- Last night.

- What, honey?

- Your boyfriend?

Yeah.

It's complicated.

He's married. He has two kids.

But the f***ing gambles

you know?

On sports.

He always needs money for new storm

windows or something for his kids

so he says, but it's

for gambling and I know.

He gambles with your money?

Yeah, the gambles with my money

So you pay... for sex?

Honey, there's no romance

without finance, you know?

Oh, no. I don't pay for sex.

No?

No.

Well...

What, you think if you got a wifey

or a girlfriend, you don't pay, honey?

Honey, you pay, all right?

You ever been married?

Don't answer that.

She probably died of some horrible

disease and it's made you what you are.

Well, she was a... a dancer.

I worshipped her.

She ran... ran off with some guy who...

gave her a... a tattoo.

Took everything. Everything.

The dog. Everything.

Honey, you should have

gotten another dog.

All right.

All right, slowly now.

Oh, Christ. I'm sorry.

Just Shirley, Shirley. Just practise it.

OK, OK! OK!

Stop ringing.

What? What?

When?

Hold on, hold on.

We're gonna have to stop

for today, sweetheart.

I'm sorry. I just have to stop.

Hello?

Hello?

Who is this?

Walt.

Walt.

Is there anything you need?

To tell you the truth, I was... I...

I was hoping later we would get together.

Sure. You're a godsend.

Because Im.

having trouble with my rent...

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