Fletch Lives Page #4

Much like yourself. From the

look of things, I'd say...

this place is about ready

to collapse. Who are you?

Billie Jean King, Bug Busters.

My van is parked out front.

Mr. King, I don't know nothin'

about no Bug Busters.

The surgeon general was right.

They've been mighty busy here.

The only time you can

catch 'em is at night.

Aha! I got one!

See that?

These little buggers are the

piranhas of the insect world.

The only thing they like better

than wood is human flesh. Really?

You bet. If you can't see it,

how do you know you got one?

I'm glad I asked that question. They

make this horrible high-pitched noise.

It's kinda like a tiny little

scream. Can you hear that?

Can you hear that? It's

like a tiny little piglet.

No? Uh-oh. I seem to have

dropped it in your ear. You what?

That's all right.

We better get that. Can't let that nest

in there. They multiply by masturbation.

The only way to get that out is to

get as close to the floor as you can.

Go on down to the floor. That's right.

They're drawn to the floorboards.

Now shake your head like you're

trying to get water out of your ear.

That's good. But hit it... No, hit

it harder. This side. That's right.

Now make that scream. That'll

draw 'em out. Squeal like a pig.

A little higher.

Hey, I found the queen!

I found the queen! I don't believe

it. No one's ever found a queen.

I gotta get this to the lab

and get a stool sample.

After my close call with Miss

Piggy, I couldn't wait to get home.

My head was filled

with decorating ideas.

I didn't have a lot of money, but I

could move the pool closer to the house.

I could see I wasn't gonna get

much privacy.

- Who's there?

- It's Avon calling.

Oh.! It's you.!

- I'd like to talk to you for a minute.

- Yeah, come on in.

Come on in. Have a seat.

Make yourself at home.

What's on your mind?

Well...

What do you do?

Mud wrestle in this thing?

I'm sorry about that,

but I won it in a raffle.

Must be an art to sitting

in one of these. Lost art.

You get the Lakers? I'm lucky

if I can get Wheel of Fortune.

Do you know any reason why somebody

would want to buy this land?

Insect research.

Boston two-and-a-halfback

of the Yankees.

I have an offer

for $250,000.

Take the money and run!

What you thinkin'?

What do you know about

this Farnsworth Ministry?

Jimmy Lee Farnsworth? Down

here everybody knows about him.

Your Aunt Belle used to

watch him when she was laid up.

...And that is

have you've been saved?

I know that there are a lot

of you out there tonight...

that the devil has got a good, firm grip

around your neck and is choking you to death.!

Amen!

I want you to send

whatever you can afford.

If you've got a thousand

dollars in the bank,

don't be afraid to send

the whole thousand dollars.

I need your money. Bibleland

is only halfway there.

Bible... land.

The most important attraction...

since the crucifixion

itself.

Immediate seating

for the 5:
00 service.

The 5:
00 service

is about to begin.

Immediate seating

for the 5:
00 service.

Welcome, sinner.

Praise the Lord!

Bless you, bless her, bless

him. Hallelujah! Name please.

Irwin Fletcher. Irwin M.

Fletcher. Irwin Mahatma Fletcher.

Address.

Seven.

It's time

for the 4,323rd edition...

of the Farnsworth

Television Ministry with...

Mimsy Carlyle,

God's own songbird.

The heavenly feet

of Damon Feather.

Mr. Coco.

The Ringfield Revivalists.

The Bradley Family Singers

and Ted Medly and the band.

And now, the host of our show, the

ministry's founder and your friend...

Mr. Good News himself, the

Reverend Jimmy Lee Farnsworth.

I know that there is someone

out there tonight...

who needs to step forward.

Lyda Pearl Shindley.

Me?

Lyda Pearl, come on down here.! Give her

a big hand, folks.! Make her welcome.!

All right.!

Bless you.

God bless you.

I know that you suffered a terrible

tragedy when you lost Jo Bob...

in the merry-go-round accident

at the State Fair. I did.

I also know that Jo Bob

left you financially stable.

But answer me

this one question.

Has all of them riches

brung you happiness, child?

No, they haven't.

I've sinned.

We've all sinned.

I know, but

I've really sinned.

Please, God,

have her not mention my name.

Say it aloud so your soul

might be cleansed.

I'm so ashamed. I slept with

my best friend's husband.

You are forgiven. Praise the Lord. Amen!

- And I also slept with my Uncle James.

- You are forgiven, child.

Ladies and gentlemen, doesn't it

take a tremendous amount of courage...

to come up here on

nationwide cable hookup...

and confess

to human frailties?

And I also shoplifted this blouse

and... You've been forgiven.

Demons out!

Praise be.! Praise the Lord.!

- Ladies and gentlemen, praise be, praise the Lord.

- Bravo!

Surely Lyda Pearl

was not alone.

Surely there is someone else out

there whose life is full of confusion.

Irwin M. Fletcher just inherited

Belle Isle. I sense grief.

I sense deep grief

and loneliness.

I sense

a recent bereavement.

Someone who has lost

an uncle or an aunt.

Mr. Fletcher.

- Mr. Irwin M. Fletcher.

- That's me.

Are you out there?

Step forward, young man.

The Lord's calling to you. Come

on up here. Give him a big hand.

Make him welcome.

Come on down here.

Your Aunt Belle recently passed away,

didn't she, son? Yes, she did. Yeah.

Are you still grieving

in your heart, son?

Absolutely.

And even her generous gift

to ya of the ancestral home,

the beautiful Belle Isle,

has not eased the grief, pain and

sufferin' in your heart now, has it?

Not a hell of a lot.

No.

Irwin, admit

that you are a sinner.

Uh, well I've sinned. Didn't

take any Polaroids or anything.

But... I've sinned.

Yeah.

The Lord forgives ya!

Thank you. Thank you

very much. Thank you.

Thank you. Amen.

What? Other sins?

Uh, I parked in a handicapped

spot on my way over here.

Actually on

a handicapped person.

I told him I'd be out in five

minutes so that's not such a big deal.

There have been other things. They're

personal, so I wouldn't wanna get into it on TV.

But I have sinned and I'm

sorry about it. Thanks.

God forgives ya!

Amen.!

The good Lord

is gonna ease...

the pain and sufferin'

in your heart...

with a bright light

of grace.

Look out, you demons!

Demons, demons, out!

Oh! That was great.

Praise the Lord.

Another soul saved by Jimmy

Lee Farnsworth. How about that?

I dangled Belle Isle like bait in

front of Jimmy Lee and he took the hook.

I could tell, at the heart, he was a

deeply religious man and I liked his teeth.

Once we've had

a chance to expand,

Bibleland's gonna be like

some kind of heaven on earth...

if it isn't already.

- There's the hotel.

- Hi, Reverend.

We call it the Heavenly Hilton

and Convention Center.

Beyond that is the

Farnsworth Bible College.

If you look down the road, you see

the Jump for Jesus Trampoline Center.

- What do you think?

- It's unbelievable.

You don't suppose I use too many

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