Flirting with Disaster Page #8

- I feel like there's an agenda

and it's not what I had in mind.

- What agenda?

- Well, do I have to spell it out?

I'm the fifth wheel here.

- How do you think that makes me feel?

- We're riding in two cars until we get

to the B-and-B, Paul.

- That's not an agenda.

- Let's just hit the road, okay?

You don't mind

if he rides with you, right?

- Why can't he ride with you?

- See what you're doing to me?

- Ride with us.

I don't care. Ride with us.

- Oh, that's so generous of you, Tony.

You know, I think I'll ride

with illicit couple number two.

Oh, no. He does this to me

every eight months.

-I ought to get used to it by now, but--

-What? What does he do?

He gets antsy and he runs off

with somebody else.

Well, I think that that's common,

you know, among certain types

of married men.

I'm the rock, he's the flake.

So that's life.

That's exactly what my ex-husband

used to say when he was trying

to feel superior to me.

- Tony's flights of terror

from his own life...

- Ex.

have nothing to do

with my superiority.

- Well, it's not terror

that makes people wander.

- I know.

- It's vitality.

- I see. Is it vitality that led Mel

to leave his wife for you?

- Paul, would you mind

riding in the other car?

- I don't know. I don't mind.

- Good. Could we just pull over here?

- Yeah. I think--

So what happened

in the other car anyway?

Oh, Paul was probably

lecturing them, right?

No, I wasn't lecturing them.

I was asking questions. That's all.

I wasn't lecturing.

Oh, my God. Is that--

You brought your gun.

Absolutely I brought it. You never--

You get beeped for an emergency.

You know, you're such

a hopeless workaholic.

We're on vacation, for God's sake.

- Oh, yeah, such a good time.

- No, Mel's like that too.

He cannot enjoy anything.

- You know, if you--

If you can't commit

to our marriage now, what are you

gonna do when we have a baby? Huh?

Why can't he ride with you, huh? Hey,

you invited them in the first place.

- Could you pass me the Baby Wipes?

- Where are you going?

- To pee.

- You're just gonna-- Right here?

You're just gonna squat?

- Why do you have to take your keys

with you to pee anyway?

- I just wasn't thinking, okay?

It's-- I don't know how many times

I've told you to keep your keys...

- in one place.

-Just shut up! F***.

Nancy was saying you guys were having

some tension around oral sex?

- Oh, was she?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Yeah. Uh-- Hey.

- Oh.

- It happens to me too, but...

you know, a technique that I find

useful-- humming to myself.

- Humming to yourself?

- Yep, humming.

- Really?

- Seems to release the tension so I

can enjoy the fellatio. It's great.

- Great. Great.

- Thank you. Thanks for the tip.

- You bet.

- All right.

Do you worry about the risk factor

involved in gay sex?

You know, it may be news to you, but

not every gay man has, uh, anal sex.

That's where a lot

of the HIV risk lies.

For example, I'm very anal. Uh, I--

I mean, in, uh, in the sense...

that I'm compulsively careful

and clean about what touches my body.

- Not into penetration, at all.

- To a fault.

- Okay, do we have to talk

about this right now?

- Well, why not?

- Are you a homophobic?

- No, I--

- I think it's interesting.

- Really? Well, I think maybe--

maybe we shouldn't.

- No, I think it's very-- Oh, God.

- Well-- Uh, no-- Uh--

- Nancy's just testing the risk

factor for sex with Tony, Mel.

- How primeval. What?

- Paul, don't patronize her.

- I'm not patronizing her.

She knows that I came of age

in the era of AIDS...

and even though I'm bisexual

I've been incredibly careful, okay?

- Tested negative three times

in the last seven months.

- Really?

- If I remember correctly.

Yeah, three times.

- What does that mean?

I'm sorry. Uh, maybe we should've

sprung for an updated edition, huh?

Hmm. I mean, uh, the picture's

right here. It was a nice B-and-B.

Yeah, they probably had something

about the uranium contamination

in the new edition. Yeah.

Did it ever occur to you

to call first? Or--

Without spontaneity, the world

of B-and-B's is fairly meaningless.

Oh. Well, then, I hope you have

a tent because that's the only way

that you can be spontaneous...

in the middle of the desert

at this hour.

Maybe Mel's parents

can suggest a place.

Oh, right, I'm just going to,

uh, show up with 50 people.

''Hi. I haven't seen you for

about 30 years. This is my posse.

And, by the way, Nancy invited along

these two gay guys just for fun...

and, you know, we're gonna

be here for a while.''

Wh-Wh-What does gay guys

have to do with anything?

Nothing. It has nothing

to do with anything, okay?

I didn't mean to be insulting.

Then why'd you say it, neurotic guy?

- Th-That's my designation?

I'm ''neurotic guy''?

- Mm-hmm.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- Yeah.

- I don't think you know me well

enough to call me ''neurotic guy.''

Oh, really?

''Gay guy'' isn't intimate?

- Look, do you wanna file

an anti-defamation suit...

- There's no intimacy happening here.

or do you want to get to the

''Schwingkings''' before midnight? Okay?

Is this another surprise visit,

or did you call first this time?

- You know, I spoke with them

already. I told you that, Nancy.

- What? What?

- What?

- What, do you want to get intimate?

Is that what you're saying?

- Hey, the baby's going to sleep.

- Huh? No?

- You hear that?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Lend me your comb

It's time to go home

Gotta confess

My hair is a mess

Your mama will scold you

Your daddy will shout

As we come in

The way we went out

Kissin'you was fun

Honey bun

Thanks for the date

Time has come

Honey, honey bun

You know, baby, it's a-gettin'late

Just wait till I

Straighten my tie

Lend me your comb

We've got to go home

- This is a long porch.

- It's a beautiful house, though.

- Sorry.

- Do you think you can wait

back in the car?

- Gotta go to the bathroom.

- Hi!

- Hi!

- It's so late. We were

getting worried about you.

- I hope my directions were all right.

- Oh, they were great.

This place is so isolated.

- Oh, that's what we love about it too.

- I'm Tina Kalb.

We spoke on the phone.

- Tina.

- Oh, yeah, right. Hi. Oh.

- We were shocked to get

your call yesterday.

- Yeah. I'm, I'm just amazed

that you ran into Fritz Boudreau

after all these years.

- Nice to meet you.

- He's something.

- Yeah. Well, he never got over

the fact that Mary left him for me.

Which one of you is Mel?

That's me.

- Mary Schlichting.

- Oh, so that's how you pronounce it.

- Oh!

- Nobody ever gets it right. Hi.

- Hi.

- And this must be your wife.

- Nancy.

- Nancy, hi. Welcome to our family.

- Hi. Look at the baby.

- Well, he's sleeping.

- These are our friends.

- Uh, Tony and Paul.

- Tony.

- Paul. Mr Schlichting.

- Hello, uh, Paul. Hi.

Hello. How you doing?

- I'm Tony.

They were going to stay

at Rancho Arroyo.

- Oh, my goodness. You can't stay there.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, no. They, they

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes