Folk Hero & Funny Guy Page #5

---

I'm on the tour.

I'm on the glamorous

Jason black world tour.

Yeah, which is why I'm pissed.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey.

I'm so relieved.

- Hey!

- Oh, hi.

- How's it going?

- Great, good to see you.

- Good to see you. -I was

definitely scared for a second

that I made this

whole thing up in my head.

Well, no, no, sorry,

we just got a late start.

And then Paul had this really

important job interview

that we had...

You know, but it went great.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, I just...

- hey, are you ready to open

up for us tonight? -Yes!

I'm dorkily very excited.

You're opening up for us?

That's awesome!

That's such a brilliant idea.

You mean, you didn't know?

You didn't tell him.

You see Bryn play last night?

You know Bryn.

Yeah, of course.

She's amazing.

Yeah, that's such a...

That's brilliant.

- Yeah, great.

- Of course, it makes total sense.

Why didn't I think of that?

I thought that you could open up

and that you could middle,

and obviously

I'll shorten my set,

- give you guys plenty of stage time.

- Perfect. That's great.

Is it weird? Is it weird

for there to be a standup act

in between two musical acts?

Uh... I don't think so.

Great. Welcome aboard.

That's awesome.

- Yeah, it'll be great.

- It'll be awesome, dude.

- It'll be f***ing fun.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna go check out

the pool back here.

- All right, it's cool.

- There's actually...

- It's covered, because i...

- It's this way?

It's covered.

- Dude, I forgot.

- You forgot.

I forgot.

You forgot you invited her

to join us on tour?

Well, not now,

but in the car I forgot.

Yeah, we got pretty

wasted last night.

- Yeah, did you?

- Really wasted.

Yeah, I got f***ing drunk.

Cool. Paul Scott,

on the third wheel tour.

Dude, no, okay?

She gets it. Okay?

Now I told her this is about

you getting your mojo back.

- You told her that?

- Yeah, no.

I mean, not that.

But she knows this is about

you and me hanging out.

Okay, look, Jason,

you f***ed up.

We can't undo it now,

let's just move on.

Well, she said she could

go sleep in her Van.

- In her Van?

- Yeah.

- Is that safe? -Yeah, she's

got curtains in there,

she's got a mattress,

and it's...

So you guys hooked up.

Great.

That's f***ing awesome.

Wait, wait.

Why? Wait...

- So, you're into Bryn?

- Dude, I talked to her first.

I was hanging out

with her all night.

- What do you think?

- Well, you went home.

- I was being a class act.

- Okay, well, you know what,

next time can you f***ing tell me

because I am not a mind reader.

And you know what?

I'll tell her to go home.

Okay? It'll just be

you and me, that's it.

Look, what's done is done, okay?

Let's just move on.

It's just, the thing is

you do this every f***ing time.

There was a meaning to this.

- You've done this a million times before.

- Name one.

-Um, horde festival,

when you ditched me to hang out

with blues traveler.

Remember that?

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Did i... was it good?

- That was great.

Awesome, so good, man.

- Oh, my god.

- Way to go.

I just wish you would think

things through, you know?

Which is why I'm on this

f***ing tour to begin with.

Mr. Paul Scott.

Hey!

How's it going?

Oh, thank you very much.

How you guys doing tonight?

It's great to be

in Pennsylvania.

P to the a, right?

I was running a little late tonight.

I had to take a taxi.

Is it me or is very, very murky just how

much you're supposed to tip these cabbies?

I'm pretty unclear,

and after 911,

it's gotten a lot trickier

for white guys like me,

because most cabbies

are middle eastern

and I have a lot of white guilt,

which always confuses

the tip equation for me.

So, like I'll pull up to a place

and the fare

will say $11.00,

and all I have is a twenty

and I'll tell the cabbie,

"you know what,

you can keep the tip.

I'm also flying out of la Guardia

tomorrow at 11:
30 in the morning.

Is that a good time to fly?"

And try and get intel,

because you don't know

if he has relatives

or sleeper cell affiliations.

Not a lot of people

take taxis out here

in this part

of Pennsylvania, huh?

Not a big, uh...

I guess this is also not a

prime target for terrorists,

all the way out here.

Flight 93 crashed right here

in Pennsylvania, a**hole!

Yeah!

Yeah.

Hey. How did you

feel up there?

- Was it that bad?

- What? No.

No, you were... I mean, I mean,

you're so confident, first of all.

Your shirt's great.

It was a good choice.

And I think... I mean,

I could never do that.

Um, this next song is...

Well, it's about a girl.

Look, I appreciate

that sentiment,

but you don't have to sell this

well, I think you're great.

She's very special to me.

And we did that hard thing of...

We became friends

after we became lovers.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- Have you seen a lot of

standup comedy? -Why?

I'm just saying,

if you were exposed

to more stand up acts,

you'd quickly realize

that what I did up there

would not cut the mustard.

And I get this phone

call from Brett,

and he calls me up,

and he's like,

"hey, would you mind

if I took her out on a date?"

You know, I think I know

what it is, actually,

because I'm a woman, and like

we don't understand comedy.

We just get really

confused by it,

and I didn't take

that college course

on what's funny, damn it!

One thing you'd realize

very quickly in your studies

is that this room

is not built for comedy.

Jokes don't work in this room.

That pang of jealousy

just started to come over me,

and I felt like I needed

to write a song about it,

and it's called, "she's

just a girl that I knew."

that's great. That's fantastic.

Thank you.

Full-on penetration.

That's what that means.

A musical comedy is a completely

different animal.

And the really f***ed up

part was that I felt

the break up would somehow give

me more material to draw from.

You know, give me more

life experience.

Like my situation, made me too soft

and bland and comfortable, whatever.

Yeah, I've been there,

done that.

She deserved better.

Yeah, that's probably why I

waited so long. You know?

I'd work on my music

and sow my wild oats

and just get all that voodoo

sh*t out of my system.

How's that working out for you?

Got another decade of voodoo?

Hey, now, I wanted to tell you

something earlier,

and I thought that it might

step on a sore spot,

so I didn't say anything,

but I think I might have found

the person that I want to spend

the rest of my life with.

Bryn? You're gonna spend

the rest of your life

- with f***ing Bryn?

- No, no, no, no.

I mean Bryn's cool.

Yeah, but, no, not Bryn.

Becky.

Becky.

Who's Becky?

What do you mean, who's Becky?

- Becky Bellington.

- Becky Bellington?

- You remember... -biology

t.A., Becky Bellington?

Yes.

How long you guys

been going out for?

Oh, god, I don't know.

For years, really.

- For years? -Yeah, I mean every

time that I'd roll through town

we had these like

crazy nights together,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes