For Richer or Poorer Page #5

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lf I find out you're not acting

in complete cooperation...

Believe me,

I don't need any trouble with the IRS.

You don't know how right you are,

Mr Fancy-Desk.

lf you hear from 'em, give us a call.

"Mr Fancy-Desk"?

What an a**hole.

Let's get a good, old-fashioned

tap on his line.

- Can we do that?

- We're the IRS. We do anything we want.

- Sir?

- Trust me, son. I know cheaters.

The Sextons are kicking back

in some fancy Caribbean resort,

slugging drinks

and copulating in unconventional ways.

They're having a great time.

That's it!

Know what I'm thinking about

right now, Big John?

Glue.

And I'm not talking about white glue.

I'm talking about stick glue.

Gosh, where does glue come from?

Anybody?

Your feet!

[laughs] It's pretty simple, pal.

Be submissive... or be adhesive.

You're a plough horse.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Show some self-respect.

They're talking about you in the barn.

Molly and Mae. I heard them.

"Coh, that Big John. What a stud."

"High in the rear,

and check out his pastern."

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny!

Don't be a failure

the rest of your life. No.

Let's till the soil.

I didn't mean to yell. I was venting.

Let it go. Let it go.

All right, Big John.

You and me and the dirt.

Hi-dee-ho. Let's go.

Oh, no, honey.

Sweetie, go back home. Shoo. Shoo.

[Brad] Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

All right. Caroline!

- I'm ploughing!

- Yee-haw, Brad.

Bet these people don't get a chance

to see the zig-zag pattern very often.

You know... I think

I'm really getting the hang of this.

That's great, Mr Green Jeans.

ls that for me?

- Thank you.

- Don't read anything into it.

You said you'd call Phil today,

so could you go make the call?

I'm ready to exit the 19th Century.

And could you get me

a carton of cigarettes

and some Extra Strength Tylenol?

What? Aren't you going?

I can't go. I promised Samuel

I'd plough the rest of this field.

Oh! I have got to get out of here!

They've got me paring

and pickling and plucking.

And that annoying little girl

follows me everywhere I go.

You know what?

Prison couldn't be worse than this.

Would you stop complaining?

Oh, now what?

You're taking the horse to town?

No, I think I'll take the subway.

[laughs]

Brad, you cannot ride that thing.

This is not a thing, Caroline.

This is a horse.

His name is Big John. And he and l

have come to an understanding.

I hope the two of you

will be very happy.

- I need some help getting up.

- Are you serious?

Could be.

Give me your foot. Jump!

Hey. I'll need my hat.

- Oh.

- All right.

All right, Johnny. Let's go to town.

You know where town is?

Come on, you're making me look bad.

- Allow me.

- What?

Whoa, whoa! Johnny, Johnny!

Come on, John. OK.

Don't forget my cigarettes!

Don't tell me.

I can't know where you are.

- But, Phil!

- Careful!

I'm sure they've tapped the line.

Hiya, fellas. How are tricks?

I know how these morons operate.

Phil, dld you get hold of Lachman?

No, not yet. But I did manage

to get a copy of your returns.

Very interesting reading.

Brad, when did you buy a jet?

- I don't have a jet.

- Well, you deducted one.

- And what about this...

- How big a schooner?

Phil, you don't believe

this sh*t, do you?

- Should l?

- Lachman!

Brad, calm down or I can't help you.

I'm so sorry. I've just spent the last

day getting my ass kicked by Big John.

[Phll] Brad, no namesl

I've got a few ideas.

Let me do my magic.

- I'll get back to you in a week or two.

- Or two?!

Two? Phil. Phil. Phil.

Sh*t!

Finally, the break we needed.

Get the files on every gangster in

the western hemisphere named Big John.

Every one.

Jacob.

Uh... Jacob.

Yes. Just call me Jake, Henner.

Uh... Jake, could you spare a minute?

- Does it involve any heavy lifting?

- No.

Good. What do you want?

Uh... you know um...

here in our Ordnung,

men don't speak much

about certain things.

Actually, they don't speak much period.

Yeah. So I was hoping,

because your Ordnung is so liberal,

that I could ask you about, um...

I could, uh... For example, um...

Henner. Henner. Come on. Take a break.

What do you want to ask me?

Um... women?

Vimmin?

- Women.

- Vermin?

No! Women!

- Vimmin.

- Women!

- Women!

- Women!

OK. What do you want to know?

Marriage.

Oh.

- You and Rebecca?

- Ja.

See, I think about it constantly.

I'm practising,

I'm preparing what I'm going to say.

I see her and the words leave my head

and l... Something's wrong with me.

Nothing's wrong with you. Women do that

to men. It's called being in love.

But in our Ordnung, you cannot marry

without at least two years of courting.

Ah, and you want to jump the gun.

Take the plunge. Buy the cow.

ldioms aren't your thing, are they?

- You want to get married right away.

- Yes!

Yay-hey!

But, uh... Well, um... How long

did you court before you were married?

- Six weeks.

- You were married after six weeks?

But, oh, seemed like two years.

And we really, really loved each other.

So Emma was all you could think about.

You wanted nothing more than

to be in her company every moment,

all of the day and... the night?

lncredibly... yes.

[laughs] All that is needed is love!

I knew this!

I knew this in my heart,

but I was afraid to defy the elders.

Uh, uh, uh. Don't defy on account of me.

Thank you, Jacob. Thank you

for your strength and your wisdom.

[Groans]

Great. Save this for the honeymoon,

OK?

[Horse neighs]

Thank you.

[Caroline] What do you mean

we have to stay here?

- Keep your voice down, Emma.

- I will not!

And stop calling me Emma!

- Did you get my cigarettes?

- No one will find us here.

And it's not that bad.

We get free food, free lodging.

Free food, my ass!

I've never worked so hard in my life

for a meal.

- Keep your voice down.

- I won't keep my voice down.

I don't understand. Two days ago,

you and I were getting a divorce,

and finally I was gonna be rid of you.

I don't have to stay here another day.

Do you hear me... Jacob?

Fine... Emma!

Do what you want. Leave.

Pack your bags and leave!

- Fine.

- Ha-ha.

Coh!

[Sobs]

- You were right.

- Marital discord.

It's such a shame.

Must be why they came early,

hoping a change would make a difference.

[Glass smashes]

My mother's

God has sent them to us, Levinia.

I'm not sure how we can help them,

but we must try.

- Jacob?

- Evening, Samuel.

- We need to speak.

- OK. About what?

You don't think we know what's going on?

I didn't mean to put your family

in the middle of this.

Truth is, we were desperate.

Up you-know-what-creek

without a paddle.

- Sh*t creek?

- That's the one.

I don't know what to say.

Look, I'm sorry.

I know what I did was wrong.

We were just so scared.

Everything just started to snowball.

- We needed a place to hide.

- You mustn't hide from your problems.

You must confront them. lf you turn

your back, they'll only get bigger.

You must show no fear

and stand in their way.

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