For Richer or Poorer Page #4

---

Or even indoor plumbing.

What did you expect?

Room service and a Jacuzzi?

- It's this or sleeping on cow pies.

- Great.

Cow dung or Ordung.

Ordnung. Ordnung. Learn it!

- Thank God we're from a liberal one.

- Thank God. Why is that, Brad?

So when you blow it

by acting like Marie Antoinette,

we can blame it on our Ordnung.

Gee, this bed is awfully small.

You know what?

You don't need to worry about that.

Because in our Ordnung...

the men sleep on the floor.

- What?

- I need a smoke!

Good food. Good meat.

Good God, let's eat.

Amen.

- What's wrong, Emma?

- I'm just anxious.

- You know how long it's been since...

- Emma... is just nervous.

She's a little shy

when she's around new people.

Don't be shy, Emma.

We're not new people. We're cousins.

- What happened to your beard?

- Hm?

Keep to your own, Sammy.

Forgive him, but in our Ordnung, only

the unmarried men go without beards.

- ln all Ordnungs.

- Sam Jr, don't be prideful.

He has a point.

And there's an explanation for it.

A while back in our Ordnung

we had a... um...

- Outbreak.

- An outbreak.

- It was, um...

- Lice.

- Lice?

- Mm.

- But it only lasted a very short time.

- Minute lice.

Jacob, you must be very anxious

to meet Big John.

Of course I am. How is Big John?

Belgians.

[Chuckles]

I tried your suggestions

but he just wouldn't listen.

Do they ever?

Belgians are only good for two things.

Waffles and deep dark chocolates.

[Whistles]

Grandma, if you don't mind,

I'm just gonna go with the salad.

Or better yet,

I'll just eat this enormous wiener.

I'm gonna need

just a little bit of mustard.

[Baby cries]

- He's up again.

- Who's up again?

Baby Sam, of course.

Oh, yes. Another son of Sam.

I like the name Sam.

Not to be confused with Samuel,

Sammy, Sam Jr and, of course, Sam-son.

[Barks]

- Good evening, folks.

- Evening, Henner.

Henner, these are our cousins,

Jacob and Emma.

Oh, so soon.

That's good, huh?

Guess who's got a boyfriend.

Yeah, well, you go, girl.

"You go, girl"?

Yeah. ln very liberal Ordnungs,

that just means, "He's hot."

- Father?

- Oh, ja, you're excused.

You go, girl.

[Baby Sam cries]

Another brilliant idea by Brad Sexton.

Caroline, get some rest.

We'll sleep late.

I'll get to that phone. I'll call Phil.

He'll... send a car for us.

You better tell Phil to make it snappy.

I don't like it here.

These people are not right!

They're like Children of the Corn.

[Crying stops]

Oh, finally. Thank God.

Mm.

[Yawns]

[Crashing]

- Morning.

- [Screams]

- Who are you?

- Come on, Grandpa.

Up you go, lazybones. Thought we'd get

the west-40 done before breakfast.

Look at that. It's almost 4.45.

We must have overslept.

Emma, Emma, Emma!

- Good morning, Emma.

- Good morning, corn child.

This is Molly and this is Mae.

Two good, honest workers.

Though Molly gave me a big scare

last week, didn't you, girl?

Have a look at her pastern.

Oh. I see what you mean.

No, her pastern.

I thought you said ass burn.

- [SamueI Jr] Pa, come quick!

- Sammy, leave him.

Now, Jacob.

Here's where your expertise comes in.

Huh?

Strong bloodlines, perfect conformation.

But he's the most ornery animal

I ever owned.

Got him at auction three months ago.

You may be the best horse trainer

in Missouri, Jacob,

but even you could have trouble

with this one.

Meet... Big John.

[Groans]

Couldn't we just have

rice cakes for breakfast?

Emma, these apples

are not for breakfast.

They're for the schnitz pies

we'll be making.

Oh, yeah.

There's nothing like a good schnitz pie.

Emma, do you need some coffee?

Coffee? This is

a coffee-drinking Ordnung?

Oh, praise the Lord, sister.

Mm.

Mm. That is the most beautiful quilt

I've ever seen.

Look at those colours.

It's just so vibrant and bold.

And that stitching is so intricate.

Whoever made this quilt

is quite the artist.

Oh, Emma. That is the quilt you made.

Ahem.

Now that I'm looking at it,

it's not so swell.

It's flawed. Maybe it's

just the way the light was hitting it.

No, no. You truly are gifted

with the needle, Emma.

All the women here are so excited

to learn your double-cross

wedding ring pattern.

- Beg pardon?

- I showed them all your samples.

l'm golng back to the country

l can't pay the rent

No, l'm not completely broke

But, brother, l'm badly bent

l can't understand where my money went

Well, l aln't broke

But l'm badly bent

When l get back to the country

l'll be llvlng ln a tln

Ma and Pa wlll surely mess

about how much money l've spent

Can't understand just where lt went

Well, l aln't broke

But l'm badly bent

Back up.

And l don't know just where lt went

Well, l aln't broke

But l'm badly bent

Can't understand where my money went

Well, l aln't broke

But, brother, l'm badly bent d

Um... hip-hup.

Move it on, Big John.

Come on, now. Go now.

We gotta go. We gotta get going.

Easy for you!

Coh! Ow!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa, John! John, yo-ho!

John! Whoa, we are ploughing now!

[Groans]

Kissed by the sun today,

hey, Cousin Jacob?

[laughs] Ouch.

Well, I must say we are blessed

to have you here for spring planting.

- Another man makes all the difference.

- Well, I'm just happy to be here.

Maybe tomorrow Big John

will give in to your training techniques

- and you can start on the north-20.

- Huh?

- Excited, huh?

- Very.

- Are you hungry, Jacob?

- As a matter of fact, I am, Emma.

Emma made your very favourite dish.

Mm.

- You don't know how to cook.

- Liver, kidney and lung casserole.

[Groans]

Oh.

Oh, look at that.

Eat up, Jacob. You're gonna need

your strength tomorrow, honey.

[Retches]

[Vomits]

Wow. Lipstick for me?

Oh, honey.

You look beat.

Let me draw you a bath.

[Retches]

- lndigestion?

- Don't remember eating that.

Guess what.

Emma doesn't have to cook tomorrow.

Guess what. Jacob may not let her live

to see tomorrow.

Do me the favour.

Do you know what I did all day long?

I was on my hands and knees

scrubbing floors.

What is that? Violins?

Can you hear them?

What about me? How about

ploughing on a woolly mammoth?

- Seen the size of that horse?

- Did you call Phil?

Yes. I used the windmill phone.

- Town is five miles away.

- Why don't you make a few more excuses?

I thought we were passing through.

I didn't know I was gonna spend the rest

of my life at Yoder State Penitentiary.

- I'll call him tomorrow!

- Fine.

I'm exhausted.

[Bed creaks rhythmically]

Please tell me

that's not what I think it is.

- Where do they get the energy?

- Must be from those schnitz pies.

Certainly not one of your schnitz pies.

Thank God. They're quick.

[Sighs] Like somebody else I know.

[Sighs]

[Banging]

- Morning!

- [Screams]

Look, it's already quarter to five!

Coh. Wow.

That's a pretty big number.

Are you gentlemen sure this is correct?

We do tend to frown on

excessive write-offs, sir.

I'd love to help you guys,

but I'm completely in the dark here.

Well. Then here's a little light.

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes