For Richer or Poorer Page #3

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and she didn't get a bullet in her head.

No. Just a cell mate named Wanda

poking her with a toilet brush.

I can't believe we are fleeing the city

like a couple of fugitives.

- That's what criminals do.

- I'm not a criminal, Brad!

Your name was right next to my name

on that tax return.

So as far as the government

is concerned, we are both criminals.

Shut... Argh!

Brad, look out!

Whoa!

Oh, no!

Sh*t!

- Are you all right?

- No, I'm not all right, you idiot!

We gotta get out. The cab is sinking.

Move out of my way. I'll do it myself.

[Screams] I'm drowning!

Oh, Brad, please don't let me die!

Caroline. Caroline! Stand up.

What?

Oh.

- Come with me.

- Don't touch me.

This is insane.

We've been walking for hours.

It is so obvious that there are

no signs of human life out here.

What do you suggest we do, Mr Spock?

I don't have time

for your stupid jokes, Brad.

Let's just get off the road, we'll rest

and I'll call Phil in the morning.

Are you suggesting

we spend the night out here?

Yes.

Maybe you want to play Davy Crockett,

but I don't camp.

Oh, you don't need to.

Look, there's a Ritz-CarIt on.

- You're such a jerk.

- Come on.

Caroline, come on.

Wait for me.

- Let go of me, please.

- No. I don't want to fall down.

Can you be a gentleman

for once in your life?

Here's the deal. Just sit down here

and lean against a tree.

How hard can that be?

Are you sure

they won't attack us in the night?

They're cows!

They only attack

when they're irritated by whining.

Ouch!

I don't have to sleep by you.

I'm taking the other side of this tree.

- Whatever makes you comfy.

- Fine.

[Sighs]

Hm. It's actually soft over here.

Probably because

you're sitting in cow dung.

Excuse me?

I said, "My, oh, my, is that cow hung."

You're such a pervert.

[Caroline screams]

- Brad! Brad!

- What?

Quiet! Those cows will jump on you.

They will?

- Stay there. I'll be right back.

- What do you mean, stay here?

I have cow poop on me!

[Horn beeps]

Not lately.

Ah.

I come in peace.

I just need to use the telephone.

Thank you.

Bastard knew that was cowshit.

[Shrieks] Dreadlocks!

Look at me!

Oh! Look at me!

Congratulations, Brad.

You made the front page of the Post.

Liz Smith, photos, the whole shmear.

You're in a little bit of trouble.

This is not a little bit of trouble,

Phil.

I've been chased and shot at

like a wild animal.

What I want you to do is wire me

some cash, some dough-re-mi, pal.

- I need a place to stay.

- No can do, my friend.

- That'd be abetting a felon.

- You abet felons every day.

- You play racquetball with them.

- You know I would love to help you.

Call Lachman. Find him.

He's the one responsible for this mess.

Let me get him.

I'll put you on hold.

Don't put me on... Sh*t.

The cousins will be moving here

soon enough.

They're from Missouri.

- Brad, you still there?

- Yeah. Where else would I go, Phil?

Our friend Bob's phone

has been disconnected.

What? That dirty son of a...

Calm down. Both of you lie low.

Let me survey the landscape.

- Oheck back with me in a day or two.

- Or two?

Tax fraud, resisting arrest,

grand theft auto.

- What were you thinking?

- I was thinking about saving my ass.

[Gasp]

Because that donkey's been

in the family for years.

We couldn't live without it.

Save it at any cost. Thanks. Bye.

I just love that donkey.

Ow!

[Man] Will they make it for planting?

[Man 2] Hard to say.

Could be a month. Maybe two.

Well, too bad for Samuel, eh?

Well, you have everything? Ja? Good.

- God be with you.

- Thank you for your help.

- My pleasure.

- Maybe you'll come and see us.

Maybe.

[Brad] The reaI cousins

won't be here for a month.

We're not gonna get away with it.

Two nights tops, till I get

Phil to pull some strings for us.

It'll work, but you might wanna

tuck those bad boys in.

You look like a Shakespearean whore.

These bad boys cost me $14,000.

I'm not tucking them in.

These people... 14 grand for the set?

- I can't look this good for free.

- Yeah.

Fine. lf you paid a little bit

more attention to our finances,

maybe we wouldn't even be in this mess.

That's it. Yoder.

- They've all said Yoder.

- This is it. It's gotta be.

So picturesque.

It's almost surreal. Look at this.

I can almost imagine Planet Amishwood.

Oh, shut up, Brad!

I just want to get this sham over with.

All I want is a hot bath and cosy bed.

OK. Here's the deal.

Follow my lead. I know all

we need to know about being Amish.

- Since when?

- Since I saw Witness.

Tiffany earrings? Dead giveaway.

- No!

- And the lipstick.

- What? All of it?

- Use my sleeve. Come on.

Guess what, Brad. I saw Witness too.

And they didn't wear Armani shades.

The rings.

Amish don't wear wedding rings.

OK. Fine. Take 'em.

I wasn't planning on wearing 'em

very much longer anyway.

OK. All we gotta do is pretend

to be people that we're not

to fool people we don't know

in a situation we've never been in.

We're from New York. How hard can it be?

Let's go.

Oh!

Caroline, come on.

God, you look like an idiot

in that suit.

[Wind blows]

[Barks]

Buzz off, Lassie.

[Samuel] Samson! Down!

- Mr Yoder?

- Ja?

- How may we help you?

- We're the cousins.

- Cousins?

- Your cousins.

- Your kin.

- From Missouri.

- Emma?

- Emma?

- Jacob?

- Jacob.

- Jacob and Emma.

- Yoder.

We weren't expecting you for months.

[Both] Surprise!

- What happened to you?

- It's hard to say.

Um... we had a... carriage accident

up by the pond. About six miles back.

Danker's pond.

- The horse. I looked one way. He saw...

- Snakes.

And spooked him. And he...

...tore off.

- Drowned.

Tore off and drowned,

and the carriage flipped.

There are pieces of the carriage.

It's been in the family for years.

Ohildren, this is our cousins,

Jacob and Emma.

- Yoder.

- Our eldest, Rebecca.

Anna. Sam Jr. Sammy.

Um... would you think it rude or unkind

if maybe I went in

and just washed up a little?

Of course. Please. Come this way.

Hey, thank you, boys.

It's sure good to be here.

Here we go.

Everything you need,

you'll find in the dresser.

Blankets. Some clothes that fit.

And the outhouse is right out the back.

I'm sure you want a few minutes to pray

before dinner.

Grandma Yoder is preparing

one of her special meals.

You know, this is so swell.

And your phone is...

[gasps] My, you must come from

a liberal Ordnung.

Yes. A very liberal Ordnung.

Ours is one of the last remaining old

order Amish communities in the country.

We still do not receive

any electricity or public works.

We like to maintain our purity

and independence from the government.

Don't we... all.

We find it best to remain disconnected

from the outside world,

for corruption and materialism

are so commonplace.

Amen to that, sister.

I'm so relieved you're here, Emma.

This time of year, heaven knows

we could really use the extra help.

Welcome.

Extra help? No, no, no!

I can't stay here.

They don't have television.

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