For the Boys Page #4

None to speak of.

Well, I guess I gotta get dressed,

so I'll see you after the show. Girls.

- Good luck.

- Bye, Daddy.

- Excuse me.

- Hi, Eddie. Hi, girls. Want a pretzel?

What is this? Danny Leonard in a tie?

Somebody died?

- My mom wants me to dress up for the show.

- Let's go find her. See you later.

Sh. Oh.

Wait, wait, wait.

How about that?

Which one would you want,

the blonde or the brunette?

- The blonde.

- No.

The brunette? How come?

How come, my boy? Brunettes...

are wilder.

- Hi, girls.

- Hi, Eddie.

- Hi.

- Hi, cutie.

We gotta go. See you.

Contortionists. Never mind.

Absolutely perfect.

- Merrill, who am I supposed to be?

- Scheherazade.

I look like Sabu on a bad night.

- Hey, Ma. Neat costume.

- Merrill, do something with this.

I wanna talk to you.

Come here.

I'd like you to read something.

Go ahead. Read it.

"Dear Dr Rich. Please excuse

Danny from school tomorrow

as he has to visit

his aunt in Connecticut."

Signed Dixie Leonard.

Very good, the Connecticut detail.

Gives it real authenticity,

only Connecticut is spelled with two Ns.

How about this one? "To visit his father's

grave in Washington DC." How could you?

- And this one!

- Miss Leonard...

- Get out!

- You're needed on the floor.

Listen to me.

So you cut school. All right.

What do you do all day?

I'm asking you a question.

What do you do?

Do you walk the streets? Do you go

to the movies? Is this with other kids?

Please. You talk to me.

I'm asking you a question.

I don't know, all right?

It's like you said, OK? Me and some guys,

we go to the movies or hang out.

You sound like a bunch of guys

in an old-age home.

Do you really hate school that much?

- But you gotta go.

- Why?

Because it's the law. Because I say so.

Because your father wanted you to.

What the hell kind of question is that?

- Uncle Eddie never went past the fifth grade.

- Uncle Eddie isn't an example of anything.

Dixie, for God's sake... places!

And now it's time for The Bailey's Comedy

Hour with Eddie Sparks and Dixie Leonard.

Brought to you by Bailey's Foods,

makers of Bailey's coffee

and other fine products for your table.

Hold four. Here we go. Take one.

Watch it. Stay with it,

stay with it. Take it.

Loretta DeChecko, Jesse Sparks

and Wally Fields and the band!

And now here they are,

the Whirling Jepper Clayton Dancers!

We're on two. Three, go to 90.

Take three.

Move in, two. I can't hear the rhythm.

Get the rhythm up.

Go, four.

Dolly around, three. Right... take four.

Listen, I really want you

to lay off Danny. I'm serious.

- What do you mean?

- All this fake man-to-man bullshit.

- It's not bullshit.

- Yes, it is.

He's 13 years old,

not one of your poker buddies.

- You're smothering him.

- You fill his head full of crap.

- Such as what?

- Don't study, life's a big party...

- Sounds good to me.

- Oh, yeah?

You got three daughters.

Give them your wisdom.

- My wisdom is for a son.

- Don't break my heart.

How long's it been?

Eight years Michael's dead?

- You shut up.

- No. You let me talk. Enough is enough.

The boy needs a father, a man in his life,

someone he can talk to.

- Somebody who can teach him.

- How to screw the chorus girls?

Why not, if he wants to? Get off me!

Why not? That's life. I wish somebody was

there to teach me how to kiss 'em, talk to 'em.

- How to jack off.

- What did you say?

Who's gonna tell him

his thing won't fall off? His mother?

- Why don't you put a dress on him?

- You'd probably make a pass at him!

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

the stars of our show...

everybody's lovebirds...

Stay with it, stay with it. Cue 'em on.

..chic-est couple,

Eddie Sparks and Dixie Leonard!

Take it. Why don't you write

funny stuff like that?

You know, medical research has shown

that a rich, hot cup of Bailey's

gets you off to a great start

in the morning,

- Coffee, Miss Leonard?

- Never touch the stuff. Gives me the runs.

- How about some tea?

- You bet.

Mm, Bailey's, That royal,

roasted flavour,

- What do you want?

- It's not important what I want.

Eddie wants you to pull yourself together.

It's renewal time, Dixie.

Come on. You're gonna go out there

and you're gonna do the sketch like a pro.

And strictly from the script, right?

- That son of ours is something.

- What happened?

I'm tucking him in bed last night.

He says "Is kissing dirty?"

- What'd you tell him?

- I said to him:

"Sex between two people

can be a beautiful thing."

"But between four people, fantastic!"

Oh, come on.

Everybody clear.

Get the music started. Here we go.

Well, that's our show.

We hope you liked it.

We sure liked doing it for you.

And until next week, remember...

We're two minutes short.

Give them a fill.

Too short?

Time, we're short time.

Two minutes time.

Do you have any ideas

what we can do in two minutes?

Not unless you're part-rabbit.

The truth is I have been

thinking of something.

This'll be a surprise to you too, Dix.

There's a war happening

halfway across the world

in a lonely place called Korea,

So, I was thinking maybe you, me, Wally and

the boys, we give 'em a little Christmas cheer

and do our Christmas show

in the Yokohama harbour.

Applause. Push the button.

What do you say?

Well, Eddie, as long as

we're talking about helping the boys,

now would be a good time to share

with everyone the magnificent gesture

that this man made today.

There's a time for speaking out

and a time to be modest.

I know that all your fans will be delighted

to know that earlier today

Eddie made a personal contribution

to the International Red Cross of $100,000.

What a guy!

That's my bonus.

We're out of time, folks.

Me! Me!

You.

Tune in next week

and join our special guests:

Bobo, the wonder chimp, Vicky LaRue

and Chester, and the Flying Feldmans.

For Bailey's coffee,

I'm Niles LaGuardia.

- You couldn't say $50,000?

- You're lucky I didn't say a million.

All right, so... maybe I shouldn't have

sprung it on you like that.

- I just thought it'd be more dramatic.

- It was dramatic all right.

- Only trouble is I ain't going.

- Yes, you are.

- Korea.

- And Japan.

- Get outta here. I gotta get dressed.

- Mom?

- Yes, son?

- I'm with Mrs Sparks and the girls.

We'll be right there. Dix.

Look...

- You know what they got in Japan?

- Yeah, radiation.

That's funny. That's not all.

It's... I can't tell you.

It's a fabulous, fabulous country.

There's mountains and hotels...

Come on outta there, will you?

They got all these rituals.

They got these special tubs.

You get in... two people...

and they rub the soap round you.

- What's Margaret gonna do? Hold the towel?

- What is the matter with you?

Soon it's gonna be too late. You'll say "Me

and Eddie could've been beautiful together."

It really works

when you talk to people like this?

- You tell me you don't want it.

- I don't want it.

- You're lying.

- It's not a sex problem with you.

It's a hearing problem.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes