Four Christmases Page #3

that child anymore, okay?

You're a grown, strong,

confident, successful man.

I don't want to get into this.

Brad, just know the truth.

They're intimidated by you.

What you need to do

is go out there...

...and set some

boundaries...

...and demand that

they respect you. You know?

Hey, big city, come to

open up some presents!

-Come on, we gotta go!

-This is your opportunity.

You can do this, baby.

Right, right.

Okay, gentlemen.

Can we take it down

a notch, please?

I'm not a kid, you can't

talk to me like that.

We're adults.

Understand?

I'm a grown man

with hair on my chest, right?

There's gonna be certain

boundaries between us.

They might be invisible.

I know you won't see them...

...but you'll be able to respect

the fact that they're there.

These boundaries

are not to be crossed.

And if they're crossed, there's

gonna be real consequences.

Thank you.

Welcome back, stud!

Don't!

Stop!

Stop it!

Come on, can I go in?

No, you boys could get hurt.

Come in!

-Come on!

-Take us in!

-Go!

-Yes!

Get it!

Google me, b*tch!

What?

Google. You might wanna

look me up sometime, Barbara!

No! Dad!

Stop!

Let's open the presents...

...so Orlando can get

to his other Christmases.

Let's do it.

Baby.

It's me. It's me.

Are you okay?

Did you break anything?

I am so proud of you.

Orlando, just go to the tree.

Gosh, wasn't it so

hard to find gifts...

...under the 10 dollar cap?

The first gift is to Connor.

-The 10 dollar what?

-10 dollar spending cap.

Uncle Brad and his special

friend Kate, maybe...

Brad?

I'll be your nice uncle...

...after you see what I got you.

Open it up.

-Brad?

-Yeah.

What?

X-Box. This is awesome.

Top shelf for you, pal.

It's got the triple core

processor, the whole deal.

It's a 10 dollar

spending cap.

How did you find

an X-Box for under 10 dollars?

Someone's trying to show off

how much money he makes.

His family

didn't tell him...

...there's a 10 dollar

spending cap.

Or maybe if you came home

you'd know crap like that.

Can we try

to stay positive here?

What's the problem? We're

trying to give some gifts.

It's Christmas. Let's keep

the momentum going.

The next gift is to Cody.

This is from your dad.

I'm sure this is

a good gift too. Okay?

Good, tear it up.

A flashlight?

That's it?

Why don't you love me,

Daddy?

Okay, okay. Honestly,

I think it's my fault.

Didn't know about the

a 10 dollars.

My gift from Santa Claus

better be straight cool.

I have a feeling that your

gift from Santa...

...will probably be

around 10 dollars too.

Why? Is Santa Claus

cheap like my daddy?

No, Santa is dad.

Dad is...

Right.

I don't understand.

What's happening?

What's the problem?

There's no Santa Claus.

You're joking with me, right?

You're kidding me.

They know there's

no Santa Claus?

They do now.

How could you lie to us, Daddy?

There is a Santa Claus.

Cody, come on.

You and Santa Claus

don't love me.

That's not gonna

bring back Santa. That's not...

When he gets hurt inside

and can't get...

...his emotions into words,

he takes to streaking.

Don't worry,

he always comes back.

Nobody loves me!

Okay, look.

I'm really, really sorry.

-I assumed...

-All right.

Let's keep it moving.

I'm starting to lose the balls.

All right?

What's this one here?

You're gonna love this, dad.

That's a satellite dish.

Why would I want it?

Not a satellite,

it's a satellite dish.

Terrific. You get more

channels and viewing options.

I don't get enough channels?

Well, your TV right now

is a radio, so...

Wait.

How much does this gift

will cost me a month?

Nothing.

We're paying for the services.

-So, nothing actually.

-Wait, wait.

Just because I drive

a van for a living...

...doesn't mean I need

a fancy lawyer son...

-...paying the bills for me.

-Okay, you win.

If you want to pay,

wherever your want.

The installation guy comes

on Tuesday, he'll install it.

Cancel it.

We install things ourselves.

Dad, I think you'll want

a professional to handle this.

If you think I'll allow

a sex predator...

...in a uniform to wander

around my house...

...and touch my underwear...

You can't... No, no.

I'll see you outside in five.

All three on the roof.

-Let's go.

-Okay.

To her mother.

I gotta take a grumpy.

What don't you...?

You wanna go over

to your mom?

Yeah, okay, come here.

Careful. There you go.

Ain't it nice to have

everybody home?

Yes, it is.

We're gonna make

bologna sandwiches I think.

Okay, here we go.

Okay.

Take her before

it explodes.

Thank you.

Gotta go and do

some man's work.

You gotta use

a lock nut.

I know what I'm doing.

I don't need any lock nut.

Sorry,

I know that you major...

...in a satellite dish

installation at Stanford.

Yeah.

Great, dude. Mock me

for being educated. Awesome.

-Hey, Grandpa!

-Hey!

Come play War with me!

Maybe later,

Grandpa is busy.

Grandma's boyfriend

plays with me whenever I want.

Your grandmother's boyfriend

is a first class ass sniffer.

You can tell him

I said so.

Connor, go get us

some beers, man.

Sounds like you and mom

really turned a corner there.

I don't want to speak ill

of her on Christmas.

But...

...she's a common street whore.

Okay, that's great.

Nicely said.

What?

What do you call a woman...

...who throws away a career,

abandons her kids...

...and runs off

with another man?

-What?

-What do you call her?

Dad, she was a cashier,

that's not a career.

That's a job. She left you

'cause you wouldn't talk to her.

Stopped spending time with her.

Shut her out of you life.

I put a roof over her head.

And I never lied to her face.

I spoiled her,

that's what I did.

Let that be

a lesson to you...

...about being

honest with your wives.

You can't spell "families"

without lies, am I right?

-Amen, Dad.

-Yeah.

What is she like...

two or three months?

-Nine.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

-Nine months.

She's not walking or

taking care of herself by now?

Are you kidding me?

Most days I'm lucky to get...

...my boob out of her mouth

so I can shower.

-Yeah.

-Does that hurt?

Breast feeding?

No.

Maybe at first, but

the nipples get tough.

I can hardly

feel mine anymore.

You wanna flick one?

-No.

-Please.

-No, no.

-Go ahead.

That's okay. I have a

set of my own. I pass.

-Sure. Of course.

-But thanks.

Okay, we're all set!

Hey!

The picture's all fuzzy.

Did you get me some

sort of cheap old satellite?

No, it's not a cheap

old satellite.

I just gotta adjust it.

How about now?

Even worse!

I can make it work!

Hold on!

How about now?

Dad...!

Could you hold her?

I need to bake another thing.

No, actually...

Okay.

Okay.

Come on,

you can't break her.

-Okay.

-Yeah.

Okay, you know what...?

You gotta

point it up at the satellite.

Is it better now?

No, it's worse.

It's still crappy.

I don't think she likes me.

She likes you fine.

Just give her a chance

to warm up to you.

-How about now?

-Worse. It's worse.

Son of a b*tch.

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