Four Christmases Page #4

Take the damn thing down. I

can do better with rabbit ears.

I love my rabbit ears!

Tell me "hot or cold".

-What?

-Hot or cold.

Hot or cold what?

What the hell does that mean?

How long until

she warms up to me?

Not long at all.

-Horrible.

-Point it up!

Shut up, let me work!

I don't want a fancy satellite.

I don't want any satellite.

It's not a satellite, genius!

It's a satellite dish!

Okay.

-Pull the thing and...

-Get off my roof!

Pull the damn thing!

It's too much.

Whatever you're doing,

stop it right now!

-Leave my TV alone!

-I'm fine!

She stopped crying.

I did it!

You idiot! Stop it!

-This is all right.

-Leave my TV alone!

I'm fine.

That's awesome.

Okay, I'm coming up.

Give me back my baby!

Mistletoe.

Mistletoe.

I can't believe I nailed

that baby's head.

I feel kind of bad.

That's my brother's kid. You

couldn't avoid it. It's fine.

I did get her

to stop crying for a second.

I think she kinds of likes me.

Yeah.

Know what happens to your

nipples after your breast feed?

I don't wanna know.

No, I don't think you do.

It's violent.

-They crack up like tire rubber.

-Okay.

Just so you know, it's a bit of

a cougar den here at my Mom's.

This is different.

Maybe she has

a new boyfriend.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Merry Christmas, Kate.

Come on in.

Merry Christmas.

Give me a hug, Kate.

Oh, okay.

Good to see you.

And you must be Brad.

Mrs. Kincaid.

Call me Marilyn and get

over here...

...and give me a hug,

you big, fat, purple teddy bear.

Bring it!

-Yes, yes!

-Hey, Merry Christmas.

Sh*t, that feels good.

You're so tall and firm

like a giant oak.

He's tall.

-Brad, this is my aunt Sarah.

-Hi.

-This is my aunt Donna.

-Hi.

-Genuine leather.

-Nice to meet you, ladies.

The one in the canarian hanging

on your belt is Gram Gram.

Sorry, but that's my belt.

That's attached to me.

Sorry. Merry Christmas to you.

It's a great sweater.

I get it.

This is the den. Well,

everyone's here.

I can't believe you came.

-Hi, Courtney.

-Hi, sweetie.

I can't get up.

Jackson is very gassy...

...and I gotta keep

bouncing him.

Okay.

-Well, this is Brad.

-Hi.

Hi.

I'm Courtney.

-Brad. Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

And that's Granddad.

And this is

Courtney's husband, Jim.

-Take Jackson.

-All right.

He's so good with kids.

Yeah.

-We're gonna try again.

-Well...

You're too cool for kids.

It ruins your independence.

I never said

I was too cool for kids.

I know you didn't say it.

But you don't have any.

And you have really strong

ideas about not having them.

Well, that's actually not...

I'd rather just not get into it.

Where's Kasi?

She's outside in the jump-jump

with the rest of the kids.

There's a jump-jump?

Kate hated

the jump-jump.

In the 5th grade, kids trapped

her inside of the jump-jump.

-She never got over it.

-I got over it.

They tortured her

for about an hour.

Why would they

trapped her in?

Because she was...

..."Cootie Kate".

Courtney.

Who's Cootie Kate?

-She didn't tell you?

-This isn't necessary.

All the kids pretended

that Kate had cooties...

...and no one talked to her.

If Kate even touched you,

you'd have to wipe it off...

...and spray with disinfectant

to get it off.

That sounds hurtful.

How long did that go along for?

Not long. I don't remember.

Seven years. Until 6th.

That was a long time ago.

I'm sure you don't

have cooties now.

Let's test it.

Cooties!

Pastor Phil has encouraged us

to dispense...

...with the commercial

trappings of the holidays.

-Pastor Phil?

-Mom's new beau.

It's a whole new thing.

So...

...what I had in mind

was that...

...we'd go around the room

and each of us...

...would speak to the spiritual

gifts that we might give.

A verbal gift giving of sorts.

Wait. There's

really no presents.

Kasi.

None that you can see.

Okay, I'll go first.

I'd like give more

of myself to my church...

...and to Pastor Phil.

Gram-Gram,

would you like to go next?

I could increase the frequency

with which...

...I pleasure Milton with

my hand and with my mouth.

Did she just say that?

Brad, why don't you go next?

I follow Gram-Gram

with that...

...hand stuff and what she

does with her... Yeah, okay?

I'd like to...

...with Kate...

...would be too...

Vacationing more frequently

and do in it with Kate.

That is lovely, Brad.

-He's so well spoken.

-Thank you. Thank you.

Courtney,

what would you give?

Well, I'd like

to give myself a gift.

And that is the gift

of being pregnant.

I know that comes with its

own challenges for 9 months...

...Iike getting fat and

people stare at you funny...

...when you sneak a cig.

I'd like to give

myself another gift.

And that is a scheduled

a C-section.

Don't most women want

to have a natural birth?

Yeah, women who haven't

done it before.

Right.

You just come here.

Auntie Kate,

will you please hold him?

What do I do?

You gotta hold him.

Okay, got him?

I'll fix myself here.

There we go.

-What should I do?

-See if he made a stinky.

How do I do that?

Just lift up his diaper

and see if he made one.

There's

something in here.

It's a really disgusting...

Jackson...

You project it on auntie Kate.

-I'm gonna vomit.

-Brad, are you okay?

Get him some water.

-I'm about to throw up.

-Oh, God.

I'll get sick. I can't be here.

What do I do?

Take it away.

Sorry. I love you.

You gotta get out.

I can't breathe.

I want to do it too!

-Kate!

-What?

Are you joking me? These

are the only clothes we have?

How's that possible?

It's not like you come around.

Haven't been here in... Forever.

Can't believe you told him

about "Cootie Kate".

How's I to know

you hadn't told him?

You'd tell Jim you're

"Cootie Courtney".

We know

everything there is to know.

He knows I slept with

the water polo team.

Like I know he

experimented with men.

-I didn't need to know that.

-My point:
after three years...

...I'd think that

you and Brad...

...would know a little more

about yourselves.

How can you appreciate

someone for who they are...

...until you really know them?

Thank you.

I kind of feel like a

Saudi prince in here.

We're so glad that

Kate has a boyfriend.

You're the longest relationship

she's ever had with a man.

With a man?

What's this?

Oh, my God.

Who's that?

That's Josephine.

Everyone called her Joe.

She was Kate's only friend.

Last I heard, Joe coaches

women's wrestling.

Check that out!

-That's Kate?

-Yeah.

She looks like Shaq.

Hi, auntie Kate.

-Hi, Kasi.

-What are you doing?

Not much. Do you need

to use the bathroom?

What's this?

That is my

special magic marker.

What?

We can't

have magic markers.

-I have to tell my mom.

-No. You don't need to do it.

Actually, can I have it back

because...

Kasi.

You want this?

This is not a joke,

this is not game.

Auntie Kate needs

her marker back, okay?

Kasi, this is not funny!

Kasi,

please come out of there!

Don't make me

come and get you.

Kasi!

Come on!

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