Four Christmases Page #5

Come and get it!

Wait.

Kate went to a fat camp?

Yeah, she lost three pounds.

It only took her all summer.

A pound a month.

Courtney.

Kasi, honey. Please

give back that marker!

Keep away!

Come and get it, old lady!

What?

Keep away! Keep away!

Give it to me!

"Give it to me."

Just give me the marker.

Okay?

"Just give me the marker.

Okay?"

Come and get it!

Sucker!

Get it!

Yeah!

-That's Kate?

-Yes.

Wait. Hold on.

You told me... Who's that?

-That's Kate.

-That's not a boy named Bjorn?

Can't believe it. Kate's

playing with Kasi.

I've never seen her

play with my kids before.

Hey! Okay!

Mistletoe!

Brad! Mistletoe!

Mistletoe!

-We're so glad you're here.

-I'm having so much fun.

What did she take so long to

bring you? Is what I wanna know.

I came here for a marker...

...and I'm not leaving

without one!

Kasi!

That marker in your mouth,

I peed on it!

Hey!

You never told me

you went to a fat camp.

It was:
"Get fit camp".

I can't believe my family

is showing you the pictures.

My favorites are

when you're a baby...

...'cause it looks almost

like you're a twin...

-...but you ate the other baby.

-Brad.

-That's why you're powerful.

-Stop.

You ate your twin sister,

took all of her powers.

-Cut it out.

-Baby, I love you.

It doesn't bother me if you

were a really large child...

...with lesbian tendencies,

if that was your journey...

-...then I'm cool with it.

-What lesbian tendencies?

-I saw the pictures of Joe.

-Joe wasn't gay.

Haircuts don't lie.

What did you do with Joe...

...Iike play baseball

and ride motorcycles?

We're just kids.

She was really imaginative.

We played in the basement.

She had this game: "Sun tan".

Pretended we're on the

beach, she'd take lotion...

...she never wanted me to burn,

so she'd rub it...

Okay, listen and look at me.

You are better.

I'm saying it's not fun when

the shoes are in the other foot.

You shouldn't

have been shitty to me...

...when you have so many

skeletons in your own closet.

Do not throw rocks when

you live in the house of Joe.

I see your point.

I love you.

I'll see you in a little bit.

Mom.

I need to talk

to you for a sec.

I don't have time. I don't

wanna be late for Pastor Phil.

But I just...

I want to talk now.

If it's important now, it'll be

important after church, right?

Yeah...

Clean yourself up a little,

this is a nice church.

And now...

...the Pastor Phil!

Hello. There's a new born King.

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Praise Him!

Hallelujah!

Praise Him!

Talk to Him, lady!

Glory to the new born King!

Hallelujah!

Please be seated.

I've been given a note.

The Walshes

performed the role...

...of Mary and Joseph

for the last three years...

...they've done a great job,

but some didn't agree.

So, we'll need a pair

of volunteers...

...to perform the roles

of Mary and Joseph.

You should do it.

What?

No, I won't get in front

of a bunch of strangers.

You're staged trained. You

played Pippin in High School.

No. I wasn't Pippin,

I was in Pippin.

I played a tree because I had

a bad stage fright, remember?

This seems like I'm putting you

on the spot and in fact I am.

Honey,

Pastor Phil needs you.

-I'm not gonna do it.

-A volunteer?

Or do I still need

a volunteer?

Kate will play

the Virgin Mary.

What?

Hallelujah!

The cure of the world!

I just said I wouldn't.

Hallelujah!

Kate, you stand up!

Stand up, please!

Look at the joy you've brought

to this congregation...

...by your volunteering

to be Mary.

Hello.

I still need a Joseph.

Brad, be Joseph.

Not staged trained.

I never played Pippin.

It's not the performance.

You have to get up.

-I don't wanna be alone.

-It's not gonna happen.

Brad, you stand up!

You're a part of this, Brad!

Listen, Brad. I need

to look out for me up there.

Because I'm starting

to get like really nervous.

-That stage fright thing.

-How do I look?

-What do you think?

-You look fine. I'm trying to...

My man's skirt, is it

short or is okay?

-Honestly.

-Little short.

Okay, here's Jesus.

They don't use a doll?

-Here are your scripts.

-Scripts?

-I'm not ready for scripts...

-Hi, Jesus.

No one said

there'll be lines...

-Hi, Jesus.

-Actually, his name's Bernard.

Okay.

Hi, Bernard.

Okay, I got lines. I gotta

try to get my voice ready.

Red leather. Yellow leather.

Red leather. Yellow leather.

This is a good baby.

Look at this baby.

Baby, baby Jesus

is really kind of cute.

This child is a blessing

to the both of us.

Really?

What, do you think

I should do it bigger?

Should I do:
"This child's

a blessing for the both of us.

I'm not angry.

I'm inspired.

Oh, my God. There's so many

ways to play this thing.

Can I ask you

a question seriously?

My wife is pregnant,

but is not my child.

But I'm cool with it because

God got her pregnant?

Are we ready

to see the result...

...of that

immaculate conception?

Hallelujah!

Brad, I don't feel good.

You should

hold the baby.

Sweetheart, I gotta get ready.

Just remember:

acting is reacting.

And Joseph and Mary,

went from Galilee...

...and out of the city

of Nazareth.

Okay, find your truth.

I'll finish this b*tch.

Brad.

I can't do this.

Check it out, baby.

They're getting my walk.

Because there was no room,

they stayed in the stable.

And Mary wrapped the baby

in swaddling clothes...

...and placed him

in a manger.

And Mary wrapped the baby

in swaddling clothes...

...and placed him in a manger.

Put it in it.

Brad, help me swaddle.

Gotta save my line.,

losing the audience.

It's death out there.

Come on, Mary!

This child is a blessing

for the both of us.

Amen!

That's right!

Your line.

I forgot my line.

-What?

-I forgot my line.

Thank goodness

I memorize yours too.

We shall name him Jesus.

Glory to God!

And peace on earth

to the highest point on earth!

This thing isn't big

enough to swaddle him.

Someone's got to give

a performance.

I'm nervous. I can't feel my

legs. Don't do this.

It'd appear

that my wife is better at...

...making babies than

swaddling them, no? Yes?

Brad, you're wearing the

swaddling cloth on your belt.

Woman, do your job

and swaddle this baby!

Brad, I can't. You're wearing

the swaddle around your belt!

Enough! This child's

life is now in jeopardy.

Unfit mother, give me this baby.

And l, Joseph,

shall swaddle this baby!

And l, Joseph,

will protect this child.

Forgive her, son...

...for she knows not

what she's done!

Yeah!

Hallelujah!

That's the message

of Christmas.

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Brad, that was...!

All is calm.

All is bright.

Round you

Virgin Mother and Child.

Holy infant

so tender and mild.

I know how Celine Dion

feels after one shows.

You give,

you're not getting a lot back.

-I got back to you.

-You feel like Celine Dion?

How do you calm down

of such a high?

It's difficult to do that.

I can't believe

you threw me down...

...in front of the

congregation.

You're thinking

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