Four Rooms Page #10

Okay, girls, enough Sex Education 101, let's get going with

our ritual, goddammit.

Athena regally leads the ritual as they all bare their breasts again. Kiva

throws off her shirt to join in. As she does, we see black bondage tape on

her nipples. Elspeth darts a quick look at the tape, looks at the other

witches--not sure she likes this--but she goes with it. The witches sway in

a circle, eyes closed, as Eva makes her offering.

EVA:

Goddess Diana, I offer you

The jism of one I wooed for you

That you may live and know such bliss

Of getting laid by a guy like this.

The witches all incant.

ALL OF THE WITCHES

So must it be.

Three times three times three.

They march half-naked as they moan and revel in eerie cries. The Jacuzzi

begins to bubble and boil. Their cries heighten; the potion bubbles over.

DISSOLVE TO:

HOURS LATER:

Athena reads from a huge leatherbound book, The Book of Shadows, full of

potions and spells. Four discouraged witches pack their bags. The room has

been restored to its worldly under-splendor. Kiva uses the remote on the TV

. . . so much for witchcraft. The slab of rock remains a slab.

ATHENA:

I don't understand what went wrong.

ELSPETH:

I say Eva pulled one over on us.

EVA:

What?

JEZEBEL:

Honey--Eva was wearing the face of someone just f***ed

good . . . and the best actress in this world, or any other,

can't fake a thing like that!

ELSPETH:

Exactly--if she was f***ed so good, how could she save

his come?

RAVEN:

It could be done . . .

ATHENA:

Girls, knock it off.

(she looks up from the book)

Maybe . . . maybe it needed to be the sperm of a virgin male.

EVA:

(dreamily)

He was no virgin!

The witches sadly collect their things. Athena, deep in thought, strokes

the slab.

ATHENA:

Let's leave her here, with the sword, until dawn. I will come

back for her before checkout time. I just . . . feel too sad to

carry her away before the sun comes up to warm her.

They all agree. They pick up their bags and head out.

JEZEBEL:

(cuddling her cat)

I can't believe we have to carry our own bags out! My mama

would have a hissy fit!

KIVA:

(flirtatiously)

I'll carry your bags.

ELSPETH:

(firmly)

You're carrying my bags!

They leave the room. Jezebel's cat leaps from her arms as she hoists her

luggage. Eva walks out satisfied, thought perhaps a little sore--"ouch,"

she says, and smiles. Athena takes one last look at their goddess slab.

ATHENA:

Next year, we try again--with virgin sperm.

She closes the door on the Honeymoon Suite (till next New Year's Eve!).

FADE TO BLACK.

four rooms

FADE UP ON:

INT. MON SIGNOR LOBBY--NIGHT

Ted behind the desk, on the phone. We only hear his side.

TED:

Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? Do you want milk and

cookies, or do you not?

(pause)

I can't turn on an adult station without permission from

your parents.

(pause, he checks his computer)

That's not what the machine tells me.

(pause)

You be good and you'll get milk and cookies, but for now

leave me alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to

sleep.

He hangs up.

TED:

(to himself)

Goddamn kids.

SUPER:
1:00 a.m.

The phone rings again.

TED:

Room Service.

INT. ROOM 404--NIGHT

A small party is going on. A long-haired Yuppie Scum type in on the line.

Music BLARES. People dance in background.

YUPPIE SCUM:

What room am I in?

INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT

BACK AND FORTH:

TED:

This is the front desk, sir.

The Yuppie turns away from the phone and speaks to Real Theodore.

YUPPIE SCUM:

What room are we in?

REAL THEODORE:

How should I know? I just got here.

YUPPIE SCUM:

(into phone)

You know, don't you have one of those light things?

TED:

If you care to go to the door and look on the other side,

you'll find the room number.

YUPPIE SCUM:

(to Real Theodore)

Call my assistant and ask her what floor we're on.

REAL THEODORE:

Who's your assistant?

YUPPIE SCUM:

The girl you party with every night.

REAL THEODORE:

(to himself)

Who?

TED:

I'm here alone, sir.

REAL THEODORE:

It's room 404, I think.

YUPPIE SCUM:

I could have sworn we were on the fifth floor.

REAL THEODORE:

Right. 404.

YUPPIE SCUM:

(into phone)

Right. 404.

TED:

What do you need, sir?

YUPPIE SCUM:

(to Real Theodore)

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