Four Rooms Page #11

What do we need?

REAL THEODORE:

Ice.

YUPPIE SCUM:

Ice?

REAL THEODORE:

Ice.

YUPPIE SCUM:

(into phone)

Ice.

TED:

Ice.

YUPPIE SCUM:

Yeah. Ice.

TED:

Right, sir. Ice. 404. I'll be with you momentarily.

CUT TO:

STORY TITLE CARD:

room 404

"THE WRONG MAN"

INT. DARK HALLWAY

Ted saunters down a hallway with a butt hanging out the corner of his mouth

and a bucket of ice swinging at his side. He pulls up at a door on which

the faded numbers read something like "Room 404."

Ted knocks on the door. After a moment, the latch is thrown and the door

swings open. Ted cautiously steps into the dark room.

INT. ROOM 404

TED:

Anybody home?

A DEMONIC CACKLE cuts through the darkness.

MAN'S VOICE

No one here but us chickens.

TED:

Say, it's pretty dark in here, sir.

MAN'S VOICE

What do you expect, Theodore, a f***in' floor show?

TED:

Do I know you?

MAN'S VOICE

I don't know. Do you?

In a flash the lights switch on and Ted finds himself staring down the

barrel of a pretty intense-looking .357 Magnum, cocked and ready to fire.

At the other end of the gun stands a 50-year-old man, Sigfried, who sports

a Cheshire Cat smile and a "just try f***in' with me" look on his face.

Sigfried isn't the only person in the room. Directly behind him sits a

beautiful young woman, Angela, gagged and bound to a chair. Ted drops the

bucket to the floor.

TED:

I brought your ice.

SIGFRIED:

That's cute. In fact, the whole getup's kind of cute. The

monkey suit's a nice touch, honey puss.

TED:

This has to be a mistake. Is this room 404?

SIGFRIED:

Theodore? What do you take me for, Theodore?

TED:

A very upset man?

Sigfried reaches in his pocket and throws a handful of assorted stimulants

into his mouth, chewing on them like they were breath mints. Sigfried

thrusts his hand forward, gripping Ted by the throat, and leads him to

Angela.

SIGFRIED:

(to Angela)

I am an upset man, Theodore.

TED:

How do you know my name, sir?

SIGFRIED:

I'm psychic, Theodore.

TED:

Look my name is Ted, actually, and I have no idea what's

going on here, but I've obviously come at a bad time.

SIGFRIED:

Let's not belabor the fact that you have no sense of timing,

Theodore. The fact is you're here.

Sigfried turns to Angela.

SIGFRIED:

(continuing)

And I couldn't think of a better time for you to introduce

me to your beau than on New Year's Eve.

TED:

Oh f***, there's a mistake. You're f***ing wrong here. My

name is Theodore, yes! My mother named me that and I

hate the name. But I'm a f***ing bellhop. People call me

Ted. I work here.

Suddenly, with great force, Sigfried slams the butt of his pistol smack

into Ted's temple, sending him to the floor. Ted looks up at Sigfried in

shock.

SIGFRIED:

Look, I'd love to sit here all night with you talking about

things like when you broke in your first mitt--

(pause)

That was insensitive of me, wasn't it, T H E O D O R E?

But let's cut to the chase, okay?

TED:

Okay.

SIGFRIED:

So apologize!

A tense silence fills the room. All eyes are on Ted, who can't figure out

what the f*** this guy wants.

TED:

For what?

Sigfried looks hard with disbelief at Ted, who winces back.

SIGFRIED:

You are really beginning to annoy me, Theodore.

Sigfried throws another handful of pills into his mouth.

TED:

Look, obviously you two are working something out and if I

could help you with your problem I would.

SIGFRIED:

What are you saying? Are you saying I got a problem? Are

you trying to say I don't give her what she needs? That I'm

F***ING INSENSITIVE!!

TED:

Look, is this about another man? Or something?

Ted has struck a raw nerve. Sigfried's mood swings drastically; he bends

down next to Ted.

SIGFRIED:

Let's get our ABC's right, here, Theodore. Theodore, right?

TED:

Ted's better.

SIGFRIED:

Ted, okay . . . Are you saying my wife cheats on me?

TED:

I didn't say that . . . I . . .

SIGFRIED:

Oh, for Christ's sake, Theodore, this is about as intimate a

situation as you can get, you, me, and Angela here. It's

pretty cozy. To say nothing of how stupid an idea it is to lie

to a man with a loaded gun without considering the possible

response. I demand an apology!

The phone rings.

SIGFRIED:

Don't move. I've got to take this.

Sigfried glances at it. Then to Angela. He picks up the phone.

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