Four Rooms Page #13

Ted wrestles with the idea of whether to untie Angela or not.

TED:

I don't know if I can do this. It's too hard.

ANGELA:

Life is hard, Ted. You ever stopped to consider how many

times you change your underwear in a lifetime?

On nervous impulse, Ted begins the calculations.

ANGELA:

I don't mean literally, you ignoramus.

TED:

What?

ANGELA:

Forget it, listen to me. There's a gun in my suitcase behind

the bed, it's loaded . . .

TED:

I'm not going to shoot anybody.

ANGELA:

Fine. Get the gun and I'll shoot "anybody."

TED:

And make me an accessory in the murder of your husband?

Ted collapses to his knees in front of Angela.

TED:

That's not fair. It just isn't fair.

ANGELA:

Get a f***ing grip on yourself. First off, who says he's my

husband? And second, we are a long way from fair here,

fair is back in jolly old England eatin' crumpets and sipping

on tea.

Ted collects himself.

TED:

Tut. Tut. Tut. Not so fast. Well, maybe there are two sides

to this thing.

ANGELA:

There are two sides to a plate, still you only eat off of one.

Now GET THE GUN!

TED:

So why's he got you tied up?

ANGELA:

I'm a werewolf, Ted! Get the gun!

Ted is at a loss as to what to do. Angela turns on the charm.

ANGELA:

Come on, Ted. Come over here just for a minute. You can

do it. Come on, Ted. You look like a good guy.

Ted creeps towards her.

ANGELA:

That's it, Teddy. You look so much more attractive when

you're self-assured.

Sigfried suddenly comes to life . . . . He's heard from the bathroom

belting out "Life is but a dream . . . she-boom, she-boom."

ANGELA:

(she panics)

Quick, he's coming back. Put the gag back in, and

remember the gun!

Ted hurries to replace the sock in her mouth.

TED:

Nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-two times, to the

best of my estimation.

INT. ROOM 404

Sigfried coughs, sending a chill up Ted's spine. Ted whips around to

discover Sigfried leaning up against the door to the bathroom.

SIGFRIED:

I was just beginning to think I could trust you, Theodore.

Silly me.

Ted's fingers are frozen over Angela's lips.

TED:

I was just trying to help her breathe a little.

SIGFRIED:

Don't let me stop you, Teddy. You don't mind me calling

you Teddy, do you?

TED:

That's fine.

SIGFRIED:

I used to have a little bunny rabbit named Teddy, it looked

real cute nibbling on Angela's ear. Only problem here is

you're no bunny rabbit, Theodore, and it really f***in'

razzes me to picture you doin' it. But don't let me stop you,

Teddy . . . no need to play sneaky-poo.

Ted starts to back toward the door.

TED:

Look, man, if this is some kind of Voodoo thing and you

want me to have sex with your wife, there is absolutely no

way.

SIGFRIED:

(shouts at the top of his lungs)

I said, nibble, a**hole! Now!

The directness of Sigfried's command, coupled with the SOUND of a trigger

being cocked, forces Ted to approach Angela. Angela is a stunning beauty,

and Ted being kind of a shy guy makes for an awkward situation. Ted leans

forward. As he closes in, Angela's eyes close.

TED:

(whispers)

Sorry, lady.

Ted pulls up short of actually nibbling on Angela.

SIGFRIED:

What's the matter, no whiz left in the cheese? I'm not

cramping your style, am I?

TED:

Look, I'm not playing this game anymore.

Sigfried yanks Ted backwards. He wraps his arms around him.

SIGFRIED:

It's almost all over, Theodore, and soon you can go home to

Mommy.

Ted struggles to free himself from Sigfried's powerful bear hug and blasts

out the following monologue.

TED:

My name is not Theodore, it's TED, TED, TED,

T . . . E . . . D . . . . TED . . . . NOT TEDDY, NOT

THEODORE . . . TED . . . . Yes, my mother did me the

service of naming me Theodore and I haven't a clue as to

how you know that because everyone who knows that lives

a long way away from here. Do you have any idea what it's

like to go to school where all the other kids' parents are in

jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated

assault, burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a

mother who names you Theodore and dressed you up in

little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little blue bow

f***ing tie! Well, I'll tell you what happens. Pretty soon

Theodore becomes "Theo the Thumper," and when Theo

the Thumper gets old enough, he packs his bags and

goes thousands of miles away where he can put the whole

bloody mess behind him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me

now, because no one is going to call me that again. My

name is Ted, okay? Got it? TED!

Sigfried has followed the entire tirade in stunned silence. He takes a step

toward Ted and offers him his hand.

SIGFRIED:

Sigfried.

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