Four Weddings and a Funeral Page #4

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Hello, Hen. How are you?

Oh, Hen, I...

Why can't you leave her alone?

Haven't you hurt her enough?

Excuse me. I think I'd better be

where other people are not.

Hello.

Taxi!

Good night, sir.

Thank you.

I know. It's all right.

Oh, God, this is wonderful.

Please.

Oh, wait a minute. This is no fun.

I want to see my lovely husband!

Who's a very bad bridegroom,

indeed?!

- Have you got a boyfriend?

- Yes.

- What's his name?

- Dolph. He's good at table tennis.

What about you?

No. Afraid not.

Why not?

I don't know.

Because most of the blokes I fancy...

...think I'm stupid and pointless...

...and so they just bonk me

and then leave me.

And the kind of blokes that do

fancy me, I think are drips.

I can't even be bothered

to bonk them...

...which does sort of

leave me a bit nowhere.

What's bonking?

Well, it's kind of like

table tennis...

...only with slightly

smaller balls.

So good!

I love my wife!

And I love my husband!

Think we'd better be

getting back?

Or we could just wait a few minutes

and have another go.

Naughty...

...naughty little rabbit.

Found it.

Charles. Charles, we must talk.

Right. You're right.

The thing is, Charlie, I've spoken

to lots of people about you.

And everybody agrees

you're in real trouble, Charles.

Am I?

You see, you're turning into

a serial monogamist.

One girl after another, yet you'll

never love anyone...

...because you never let

them near you.

On the contrary, Hen...

You're affectionate to them

and sweet to them.

Even to me, although you thought

I was an idiot.

- I did not.

- You did.

I thought U2 was a type of submarine.

Well, their music

has a naval quality.

Be serious, Charles. You must

give people a chance.

You don't have to think,

"I must get married."

But you mustn't start relationships

thinking, "I mustn't get married."

Most of the time I don't think at all.

I just potter along.

Oh, Charlie!

Oh, God, the way you used

to look at me!

I just misread it, that's all.

I thought you were going to propose

and you were working out how to leave.

No, no. I wasn't.

Oh, God. This is ridiculous.

- Hen...

- No.

No, Hen! Hen!

No!

Having a good night?

Yes, yes.

It's right up there with my father's

funeral for sheer entertainment value.

I thought you'd gone.

No. Hamish has to take

the Edinburgh sleeper.

I'm off now. Keep me company?

Here, please.

You want to come up

for a nightcap?

You sure?

Yes. I think we can risk it.

I'm pretty sure I can resist you.

You're not that cute.

Sorry. Yeah, great.

Morning, Charles.

Breakfast's up.

Well, it's a bit burnt.

Excellent.

What are you up to today?

Oh, yeah.

I'm taking advantage of the fact that

for the first time in my life...

...it's Saturday and I don't have a

wedding to go to.

All I have to do

is not be late for David.

I'm gonna go for a job.

A shop called Spank

wants a sales assistant.

I think I'd be great.

They sell all this funny

rubber stuff.

Oh, no.

Another wedding invitation...

...and a list. Lovely.

Well, they say rubber's

mainly for perverts.

I don't know why. It's

very practical, actually.

You spill anything on it,

and it just comes off.

I suppose that could be why

the perverts like it.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah.

It's that girl, Carrie.

You remember...

...the American.

Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt.

Do you have the wedding list

for Banks?

Certainly, sir.

Lots of beautiful things for around

about the 1000 mark.

What about, things around the sort of

50 mark? Is there much?

Well, you could get

that pygmy warrior over there.

This? Excellent.

If you could find someone to chip in

the other 3950.

Or our carrier bags

are 1.50 each.

Why don't you just get

Yes, well, I think

I'll probably leave it.

Thanks very much.

You've been very...

What'd you get?

Blimey!

Well, I never.

Nothing yet. I'm just,

you know, deciding.

It's nice to see you.

It's nice to see you.

This present thing is great.

I should've gotten married years ago.

Did anybody go for the pygmy?

The young man was thinking about it.

Oh, no!

Just get me an ashtray.

Are you free for about a half-hour?

Yeah. I'm supposed to meet my

brother, but I can be a bit late.

Good, come with me. You have

an important decision to make.

It's crucial that you mustn't laugh.

Okay, right.

What do you think?

Divine.

Bit of a meringue?

Oh, don't worry.

We've only just begun.

What do you think?

You're kidding.

It would be wonderful, wouldn't it?

Maybe next time.

What do you think?

I knew it.

But with a staff, you

could mind sheep.

Don't be rude.

It's a bit sexy, this.

Well...

...if I were your husband,

I would die of pride.

You're right. It is dangerous.

There's nothing more off-putting than

a priest with an enormous erection.

One strange thing is thinking you'll

never sleep with anyone else.

You don't think

you'll be unfaithful?

No. Not once I'm married.

I told Hamish I'll kill him if he

does, so I better stick to that.

Quite right.

Anyway, I reckon I've had

my fair run at it.

What is a fair run these days

down your way?

Oh, I don't know.

More than one.

Well, come on.

Tell me.

I've seen the dress.

We have no secrets now.

Well...

The first one...

...of course not easily forgotten,

was kind of nice.

Two:
Hairy back.

Three, four, five...

Six was on my birthday

in my parents' room.

- Which birthday?

- 17th.

We've only reached 17?

I grew up in the country. Lots of

rolling around in haystacks.

Okay, seven.

Eight, unfortunately, was

quite a shock.

Nine:
Against a fence.

Very uncomfortable. Don't try it.

I won't.

Ten was gorgeous.

Just heaven, just...

Wonderful.

I hate him.

Eleven:
Obviously, after 10,

disappointing.

Twelve through 17:

The university years.

Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys.

Sexually speaking, a real low patch.

Eighteen broke my heart.

Years of yearning.

I'm sorry.

Twenty:
Oh, my God, I can't

believe I've reached 20.

Twenty-one:
Elephant tongue.

Twenty-two kept falling asleep.

That was my first year in England.

I do apologize.

Twenty-three and 24 together.

- That was something.

- Seriously?

Twenty-seven:

Now that was a mistake.

Suddenly, at 27,

you make a mistake?

Well, yes, he kept screaming.

It was very off-putting. I nearly

gave up on the whole thing.

But Spencer changed my mind.

That's 28.

His father, 29.

His father?

Thirty...

Thirty-one, oh, my God.

Thirty-two was lovely.

And then my fiance. That's 33.

Wow!

So I came after your fiance?

No, you were 32.

So there you go.

Less than Madonna, more than

Princess Di, I hope.

And you? How many have

you slept with?

Christ. Nothing like that many.

I don't know what the f*** I've been

doing with my time, actually.

Work, yeah, that's it, work.

I have been working late a lot.

I wish I'd rung you...

...but then you never rang me.

You ruthlessly slept with me twice

and never rang me.

Oh, bollocks!

Help me, please. Please.

Carrie, this is David, my brother.

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