Fourth Man Out Page #6

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So it's just the two of you.

Rent a horror movie,

clean the bathroom,

put some candles out, man.

They appreciate that stuff.

- Put a tie on...

- Hello?

You know what I mean'? Also

get the lube going before she-

hey, got any visine?

Why? Ryan's not

coming back?

Uh, yeah. No, I just...

It's a customer.

I don't wanna look

unprofessional.

But then I'm telling you,

ten minutes...

- You got any gum?

- Your shorts are gonna be off.

Gum? How hot

is this girl, man?

You know what,

never mind. Forget it.

Hey...

- How's it going?

- Good. Can I help you with something?

Yeah, I think something's

wrong with my car.

It's been overheating a lot

and sometimes it just

shuts off completely.

Ah, yeah. Sounds like

it could be your radiator.

Let's just pop it open.

Eh...

- Pop this.

- I can get it.

It's sometimes a little tricky.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, no. By all means.

Okay.

- Oh.

- I' ll get that.

- Thanks.

- No problem.

You know what,

it could be your DC inverter.

Really?

Uh, yeah.

What's a DC converter?

It's an inverter.

It's this.

It's what...

Makes your car work.

Oh yeah, they have arrived.

The official invites

to papa Ortu's fourth

of July barbeque bash.

See you there,

and see you there.

And you better rsvp this time.

F*** that, you know I'm going.

Why do I need to rsvp?

'Cause my dad's sick and tired

of running out of ribs.

If you don't rsvp,

you don't get any ribs.

Whoa, slow down, tiger.

What's up with you?

I think I met someone.

Seriously?

Who?

Well, I don't know

his name exactly,

but we had a moment.

A moment? Like where

was this, in a truck stop?

No. How do you know so much

about gay things?

No. He... I don't

even know if he's gay.

Don't you have gaydar?

Well, kind of.

If you had gaydar, you'd know

that Nick loves the cock.

So what did this gentleman's

pants look like?

- Could you see his ankles?

- Uh...

Was he, like, wearing

a tank top?

Were his nipples pierced?

Yeah, what about his underwear,

did it have a brightly

colored elastic band?

Super jacked?

He was a normal gay,

with like earth-tone colors.

Full length pants.

No nipple piercings.

I couldn't really see

his underwear,

but it was probably

And he had muscles,

but not, like, too muscley.

He was probably,

he was like a normal dude.

Ooh.

Uh...

Oh. How did

he eat a banana?

How would you eat a banana?

Like put the whole thing in

and pull out just the peel.

Okay, then that's

exactly... I don't know.

- He was just...

- Guys, guys.

Guys, it says... it says

that people in north Korea

aren't even allowed

to eat bananas.

They don't know what...

They don't know they exist.

I did not know that. Wow.

Okay, look. All:
Know

is that this guy,

he was super friendly.

And at some point we like had

eye contact for two seconds.

Two seconds?

That's nothing.

That's just like being

a polite gentleman.

Like look...

See. I'm not gay.

- That's not two seconds.

- You wanna do two seconds?

- Two seconds.

- Here we go.

One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

I can't do it.

- He's so gay.

- Oh wow. Weird tickle.

See, I... so, he's gay?

He's gay.

I think you're in luck.

He's super gay, man.

All right. Cool.

I met someone.

Are you wearing Cologne, dude?

Yeah, it's to hide

the pot smell.

Did you smoke pot today

without me?

Are you... is this what

these bananas are for?

Who do you think

drives this car?

Um...

I don't know,

it's a hybrid, dude.

It's got a "save the whales"

bumper sticker.

Probably some

gay-ass hippy.

- Really? You think so?

- Oh yeah.

Adam. Triple-a

just called.

Some girl locked her keys

in the car over in hillside.

Black wrangler.

I need you to go now.

- Oh.

- Ron, I'll do it man.

Did she sound 'i8 on the phone?

Why so you can get

stoned for two hours

and jerk off

in the Wendy's bathroom?

Once. Hey,

that one time.

Yeah, it's all it takes.

Here. Better get

over there, Adam.

- Oh I was... -I need you right now.

Let's go.

Um... 'Kay.

You're all set.

Thanks for coming in.

Than ks again, thank you.

Oh, hey. Hey.

- Hi.

+ll.

Is there something wrong

with the car still?

No.

You just, um...

You forgot your chapstick.

Oh.

Did you take this

from my glove box?

No.

Okay. Yeah, I did.

But I was just...

It was an accident.

I didn't use it or anything.

I just smelled it.

Oh...

Okay.

Thanks.

I'm gonna go here.

Me too.

See ya.

I smelled it?

Oh, you f***ing idiot.

I smelled it?

Adam, what' d you smell, dude?

Was it that girl?

Was she here?

Oh, I bet her titties

were out today,

it's so hot out.

Did you see them?

Were they big?

Pleasant? Normal?

Medium size?

I don't know titties.

I'm gay.

- Hey.

- Hey, man.

Wash your hands

and put on a clean shirt.

What for?

Oh shoot, they're early.

Who's early?

Adam, why don't you put on one

of your father's shirts?

- Chris, do you mind answering the door, please?

- Whatever you say, Karen.

Why do I have to change?

Your mom invited Dorothy CUDA and

her mother over fur dinner tonight.

What? Why?

Why did you do that?

Relax.

Don't be nervous.

Dorothy likes you.

Her mother told me so.

Yeah, well what if

I don't like Dorothy CUDA?

How could you not

like Dorothy CUDA?

Uh, well, there's

a lot of reasons why

I couldn't like Dorothy CUDA.

Welcome, welcome.

Father O'Malley. Martha.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing

out of bed, Adam?

What?

Now, I'm not here to impose.

I know this is a difficult time.

So enjoy your last meal

with your family.

I can give last rites

afterwards.

Last rites? Why would

you give my son last rites?

He's about to die.

Isn't he?

- What?

- No.

I'm... I'm sorry, father

but it's worse than death.

It's a matter

of eternal damnation.

Adam, what on earth

is she talking about?

I'm gay, mom.

That is not funny.

Do not joke like that

in front of father O'Malley.

I'm serious.

I'm gay. I'm gay.

I like guys.

But...

What about Dorothy CUDA?

- What about Dorothy...

- She's on her way.

I don't understand why

you don't understand this.

I'm gay. I'm gay.

Like... like...

Mmm.

So stop forcing

Dorothy CUDA on me.

Adam,

I was eating that.

Oh, seriously? You're upset

about a frickin' sausage?

Oh, come on.

No, dude.

The night is set.

We're going to Duffy's.

What about Adam?

We will be there

for him... at Duffy's.

Come on guys.

How many strip clubs

have we dragged Adam to?

Okay, that's irrelevant.

How many dollars has he shoved

down skanky Russian

breasts for you?

And how many times has he

fixed your piece of sh*t car?

- My car is not a piece of sh*t.

- It's a piece of sh*t.

When Adam came out, I told him,

I promised him that

nothing was gonna change.

I think we've been pretty

f***ing cool about that.

We've done a descent job,

but it's not good enough.

Things should change.

He needs this, boys.

He needs us.

So where we going?

Oh, you're serious...

You're not gonna tell me?

Okay.

All right.

Are we really gonna...

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