Fourth Man Out Page #5

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And that shut him up...

So fast.

I bet it did.

Uh, what do you paint exactly?

Mostly abstract post-modern

deconstructionalism,

peppered with neoclassical

ideologies.

Wow, that's a lot.

So Jess tells me

you're a mechanic.

Yeah. Yeah,

I do mostly everything.

Small repairs,

tune-ups.

- Great mechanic.

- Than ks, man.

God, how do you do it?

You're going through life

everyday, never creating art.

I couldn't imagine.

Yeah. Yeah, I know

exactly what you mean.

You know,

I actually sketch everyday.

I just don't have

the talent that you have.

We should check out my gallery

sometime. Maybe I can inspire you.

After you have to go to

this GORDITOS place,

and across the street

is this fabulous boutique.

I'd take some of my other

girlfriends there,

but they don't have

the body for the place.

- Oh.

- I said it.

- Oh, stop.

- I just said it.

- You said it.

- There it goes.

You just said it.

I gotta take you

to taco bell sometime,

they've got

this fabulous new gordita.

Oh, really? Wow.

- Do I have the body for it?

- You do.

- Oh, thank you.

- You just said it.

- I said it.

- You said it.

Marc do you wanna come

outside and smoke with me?

I wanna hear all about

this boutique.

Oh, usually I'd say no,

but two MARGS

and I start smoking

like a little hot tamale.

Oh. Wow.

He seems...

- Non-threatening...

- I hate him.

Okay.

Oh, Adam.

Nice to see you here.

Is this the reason

you're not texting me back?

Uhh... no.

No, it's not what it looks like.

Oh no, we're not dating.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Yeah.

Sometimes I fly off the handle.

Sorry about that.

- We're engaged.

- What?

Right, Chris?

Oh, this is Brad.

Brad, remember I was

telling you about him.

- Oh honey duder, this is BRADSTAR?

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

BRADSTAR,

it is a pleasure to meet you.

No, I'm not gonna

shake your hand.

I could've given you everything,

you know that right?

You toss me aside

for nothing but a gigolo.

- Whoa, whoa...

- A pretty face.

He's not a gigolo.

He's awesome.

He's my best friend.

What's going on here?

Who the hell are you?

Marc Peters, Adam's date.

Uh, yeah.

Okay, I see.

So, apparently

I'm the only guy here

who you're not f***ing,

is that right?

Why didn't you tell me

you're into group stuff, silly?

- Well...

- Right?

We could go down

to my basement, all of us.

- It'd be fun.

- Ooh.

- A group thing.

- Yeah.

Think about it,

text me later, okay?

Okay.

Well, I should have

seen it before,

it's so obvious,

with your perfect hair,

and those,

"look at my crotch," jeans.

Mm, and you should see him dance

when he gets two MARGS in him.

Right?

They're not...

Fine, call it bisexual. If

it helps you sleep at night.

Okay. Okay,

this is enough.

I don't know what's

going on, Chris.

Tell Marc that you and Adam

haven't slept together.

Yeah, tell him.

Well... I guess we didn't do

a whole lot of sleeping.

No, we definitely did not.

Well, maybe like

a little bit, like...

- Naps

- like in between.

Yeah, but mostly it was

just going at it.

Marc, you have

no idea how good it is.

I mean, I hate even talking

about it over dinner.

- But...

- Yeah, don't brag.

I would die if I couldn't create

fabulous multiple orgasms

with you every night.

Oh, that means the world to me.

Oh, thanks for the invite, Jess. But

I can tell when I'm not wanted.

What? Really?

My boy e-Zach is DJING

at the "UNSH-UNSH" bar tonight

and I was gonna get going

anyway.

- Oh, it was really nice to meet you.

- Yeah.

Kiss, kiss.

Ew, ew.

Great headband.

- Ew.

- Ew, ew, ew.

- Kiss kiss.

- What kind of gay are you?

You are hating on your own kind.

Yeah, I don't hate him

because he's gay.

- No, he hates him 'cause he sucks balls.

- Yeah.

Oh, you are such an a**hole.

I'm an a**hole?

You're an a**hole for making

us hang out with this guy.

What made you think Adam

would ever like that prick?

Well, Adam's gay.

And he's gay.

So what else is there?

Uh, attraction,

mutual interests...

Not being a giant,

raging douchebag.

Oh, that's on your list too?

Well, since you two

have so much in common,

why don't you f*** him tonight?

Because we're over.

Whoa, okay, Jess.

We're kidding.

F***.

I'll be right back.

Ahh.

Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on.

I'm sorry, okay?

We're kidding.

We're just joking around.

Mm, maybe you are.

But Adam's not.

You know, you probably

shouldn't joke around.

You're only screwing

with his head.

What are you talking about?

Chris, I told you

this would happen.

Adam likes you.

Adam does not like me.

I know what I'm talking about.

I'm a girl,

I notice these things.

Adam didn't

even give Marc a chance.

He barely even looked at him

because he was too busy

staring at you all night.

No, it's because looking at Marc

makes you want to murder someone.

Mm. Okay. Okay, fine.

Don't believe me.

But when you wake up

one morning,

tied to your bed with

Adam's tongue in your ass,

don't come crying back to me.

Hey, man.

There you are.

You wanna get gay?

What?

I got some two shots.

You want one?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

- Cheers, man.

- Cheers, dude.

- Oh.

- Ah.

God, it does not get any easier.

No, but can we have two more?

Boo.

Ahh.

You should do it.

- No.

- Yep.

- No.

- Yeah.

- No.

- You should do it, you should call her.

Abso-frickin-lutely not.

- No, seriously. You should call her.

- Never again, man.

I don't care how hot she is,

or how good

of blow jays she gives...

- No.

- She's a crazy b*tch.

I'm not talking about Jess,

I'm talking about Tracy.

Oh. No, man.

I already blew that one.

If I call her now, I'm

just gonna look desperate.

Besides man, girls like her

do not go for guys like me.

Girls like what?

You talk about her

like she's perfect.

You don't even know her.

Oh, I know her.

I know her.

I know that she's got

enough balls

to wear a Fanny pack to a bar.

She's cool enough

to like MOJITOS,

and "Ghostbusters."

She's funny, smart...

Aww, man.

Now you sound like the gay one.

F*** you.

Okay. Just f***ing

call her, dude.

Hey, Tracy.

It's, um...

It's Chris.

All right.

Hey Tracy, uh, it's Chris...

Um...

- Hey.

- Hey...

I'm not here right now,

so just leave me a message,

and I'll call you right back.

Um...

I'm just calling...

To make sure

that you...

You didn't...

No one, no one bother, um...

Uh, that everything

worked out just fine...

That even...

Um, just calling

to wish you a happy day.

- - Anyways...

Cute voicemail.

Uh, it's Chris. Bye.

Here you go, dude.

Nothing cures a hangover

like a hit of DOOBER.

Thanks.

What'd you guys do

last night anyway?

Went on a double date

with Chris.

- Gay.

- Really?

Yeah, I mean, think about

what can you not do

on a double date?

You can't get your f*** on.

Am I right?

Did you f*** her?

You didn't f*** her.

- Did you f*** her?

- No. No.

- You dirty dog.

- Did not f*** her.

See that's what I'm saying.

- - See, next time,

bring her to your house. All right?

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