Frat Star Page #9

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days away from initiation.

The end is in sight.

Give him more.

Let's go, Cooper.

Come on.

Let's hear you bawk

like a chicken.

And you're that much closer

to joining us in brotherhood.

So let's make this count.

Some more fun for you.

Give it to him.

Ugh! Ugh!

Ugh!

What the f*** is that?

Let me squeeze a little more.

Ugh!

F*** you doing, man!

Be careful

who you f*** with, plebe.

Benjamin.

Bow to the elders!

Welcome my children.

I am St. Peter.

Standing at the gates

of paradise,

here to tell you whether or not

your name is written

in the book of life.

Today you will discover

if your lives forever

will be linked to the

Phidelt brotherhood.

Today, you will discover

if you are one of us.

Billy Hawkins, arise.

The great-great-great-grandson

of Jefferson Davis.

Pureblood.

Your name is written

in the book of life.

Light your candle.

Zachary Rockefeller, arise.

Your name has always been

written in the book of life.

Light your candle.

Jake Roudabega, arise.

It must be assuring to you

to know your name is written

in the book of life.

Jamarcus Desean Johnson,

the name "token"

is written in the book of life,

and may we ride your

swift legs to victory.

Chad, arise.

How do you not know you are gay?

Everyone here can tell.

Like, everybody.

Did you not think

we would notice?

- What?

- And that's okay,

but know thyself, Chad.

Know thyself.

Until you know yourself,

you cannot be a Phidelt.

I can't tell

if you're joking or not.

- Exit!

- Mr. president, please.

- You are dismissed.

- I...

Ching Chang Chong, arise.

Your name is written

in the book of life,

in over 20 languages.

JT Hartung, arise.

Your name is written

in the book of life.

And lastly,

Nicholas Cooper, arise.

Nick.

I like you.

I've always liked you.

You try hard.

Try to impress.

You're a monster, Nick.

In fact, I don't even recognize

the thing that stands before me.

Cruel.

Heartless.

I like it.

The problem is

we don't try hard.

We don't try to impress.

And we don't

lie about who we are.

Mr. Cooper.

I believe Billy

is the one that vouched for you.

Billy Hawkins,

step forward

and defend yourself.

Why did you lie

on behalf of Mr. Cooper?

- I felt sorry for him.

Billy lied once or twice,

but you, Nick,

you really fooled us.

Luckily, Benjamin

misses nothing.

And why would we need you,

you poor piece of sh*t?

Billy was wrong.

He made a fool of himself.

He tried to make a

fool out of us.

Now tell your roommate

that he won't be your brother.

Sorry, Nick.

You're not gonna be a Phidelt.

And why won't he be a Phidelt?

Because you're not one of us.

You're not one of us.

And you are dismissed.

Billy.

Hey, honey.

Phidelt rejected me, mom.

Dad's gonna be so disappointed.

It's not the end of the world.

I think you're gonna need to come

home and tell your father...

In person.

We love you.

Bye.

I gotta tell you, kid,

I am so proud of you.

You did it!

You joined!

- Thanks, dad.

- You know.

When I met that Billy

guy, I thought,

"that's who I want

for a son."

And you are

even better than Billy.

That means a lot.

Really.

Cheers.

I wish I had a PJ cocktail

- to cheers you with.

- Hey, hey.

Maybe we can get five.

You know, a PJ cocktail...

You can have one

or two or three...

What'd you think

was gonna happen?

I'd let you tell him

you didn't get in?

It'd f***ing kill him.

Go away.

I've got work to do, Nicholas.

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