Frat Star Page #8

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like Chong, and JT,

- and Jake, and you.

- You think I try?

Let me give you some advice,

all right?

Nobody wants to hang out

with the desperate guy.

- I'm the desperate guy?

- I'm not calling you anything.

I'm simply acknowledging

what I'm seeing

and asking you just to relax.

You know what I think?

I think you need to

step it up to my level.

What?

I'm going out.

Okay.

Well, you text me

if you need anything.

Jesus Christ.

- I'm so f***ing tired.

- Oh, is that sh*t pure?

I'm not snorting any more

of your Adderall.

Yeah, I got it from my f***ing driver.

He's Dominican.

- Can you lay off, okay?

- I want that.

What's the difference

between a man's man

and a ladies' man?

A man's man trumps ladies' man.

All right,

well, if you're wrong.

Rockefeller,

why're you even studying?

You could kill someone here,

they'd let you in.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- You know exactly what it means.

If it were Chong's family,

it'd be f***ing nepotism.

Oh, shut up!

You're guaranteed a spot,

you f***ing porch monkey.

Read between the lines, ass.

- Guys.

- What up, baby?

If one of us fails,

should we all drop it together?

Shut the f*** up, Chad.

Go dream of dudes, fag.

Amanda's fat.

Um, yeah.

She's out.

What did she think she was doing

bingeing like a kappa?

I know, right?

Thank god we don't have to

be seen with her anymore.

Ah, Melissa, Rosie,

what's good, ladies?

- Hey.

- Hi, Rosanna.

Nick says hi.

We were talking about you.

Totally wish

you'd stayed and joined.

Have you finally gotten the full

Nick Cooper experience?

- Oh, yeah.

- That's my girl.

What're you trying to do?

I'm trying to teach you

a lesson, girl.

Nick Cooper

isn't who you think he is.

- I'm saving you.

- Court's right, Rosie.

We're just trying to

help you find yourself.

We all really want you

to be one of us.

We want you to be a ZB.

You know who I think is mad hot

and would be all about

treating you like a Princess?

Who?

Billy.

He's a total prince charming,

and I've heard

he's got a great cock.

Nick's roommate, Billy?

If you really want Nick,

Billy's the way to go.

You get naked in his room,

because you're slaying

his roommate.

It'll drive him crazy,

"Jessie's girl" -style.

Is Nick really that good?

Yes! Nick Cooper's

got skills for days.

Now let's come up with a plan

to get you in that room.

All right.

Check this out.

- Yo, Chad. Catch.

You're scared?

Didn't want to catch it?

No. I'm just,

I'm just wasted.

I really respect you.

- Whoa.

Whoa. Anybody

f***ed her yet?

I hope not. Apparently she

doesn't shave down there.

Ugh! Disgusting.

That is punishable by death.

That sh*t was hot in the '90s.

I'm sure you wouldn't have

had a problem with that

- three months ago.

- What?

I'm just saying, you've come

a long way remarkably fast.

- Whatever, dude.

- What's up, guys?

- What's up?

- Hey Billy, do a line.

No, no, I'm good.

You okay, man?

You went and calmed down

a little bit, huh?

- I didn't ask you, f*ggot.

- Whoa, fag...

I don't that's quite

the right terminology, is it?

Megan, right?

Nice to meet you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She's mine, bro, okay?

- I'm just playing, man.

- I found her first.

You gotta go find your own.

You know what you should do?

Your family is in the slave

business, right? Down south?

Why don't you go back

to that, be the slave,

- and fetch me a Whisky.

- I'll fetch you a drink, okay?

I just want you to calm down

and try to remember

where you came from,

- all right?

- No, I know.

I know where I came from.

Do you know where you came from?

- Billy.

- It's okay.

Billy, f***ing roommate,

this is a nice cardigan.

You always dress so nice, Billy.

We're roommates,

and we made a good team, Billy.

Really good team, Roomie.

You know what, uh,

you should do?

You should go help your

family make some money

for the first time in

maybe 100 years.

Maybe you'll have enough

money to buy more cardigans

and keep up this nice trim look

you got going on,

'cause you rock it.

You really, you really do.

It... it looks good.

You do it so well.

You do.

Now.

Wow.

You're a douche.

You're a douche.

You're a douche.

Billy, Billy. Wait.

What was that?

That, my dear,

might have been the end

of a beautiful,

beautiful friendship,

but...

It was the beginning

of a pretty fantastic evening.

Now let's get the f***

out of here!

- Ah!

- Come on! Come on!

Nick.

I am impressed.

Anyway, people,

there's still a party happening.

- Megan!

- -Yeah.

I f***ing love that name.

- You say your name.

- Megan.

- Megan.

- It's Megan.

- Megan.

- Somebody's here!

- What?

- Someone's at the door.

- Oh, go away!

I'm getting to know Megan!

- Ugh!

- Ugh!

- Oh!

- Yeah!

- Oh, Billy.

Hi. What're you doing here?

Megan, I'm gonna

need you to leave.

- No, no, no, no, Megan.

- Goodbye, Billy.

No, no, Megan. Megan,

don't, don't leave, Megan.

- Darling.

- No. Why is she going?

Where is she going?

Billy.

I think you're gonna want to

listen to what I have to say.

Is this what I think it is?

Chad, you've been pretty quiet.

Which of these ladies

have you had your eye on?

F***ing all of them.

Gigi, right? Why don't

you do a little dance

for, uh, Chad,

who's apparently

had his eye on you.

- All right.

- Uh oh.

Oh, oh, sh*t.

Mr. palm beach.

Relax.

Can I help you?

I was just leaving.

What the hell you doing here?

I was with Billy.

What the f***

you doing with Billy?

I don't need

to explain myself to you.

You're a f***ing slut.

- Excuse me.

- Yeah, that's what you are.

I'm just calling it

like I see it.

I'm sorry, Nick,

have you looked in

- the mirror recently?

- What does that mean?

God, I'm actually embarrassed

- I ever liked you.

- You didn't f***ing like me.

You didn't give me time of day.

Oh, I'm sorry, Nick,

that I didn't give you

what you wanted

when you wanted it,

but by the time I turned around

I didn't even

recognize you anymore.

You're disgusting.

F*** you.

Welcome to hell week,

spermchuggers.

Happy Chinese new year, Chong.

Goddamn, would you eat a horse?

You look like a f***ing

Asian Ally Mcbeal.

Now, the first rule of hell week

is no pledges

are allowed to leave the house

unless you're f***ing a chick.

The only way you get back in

is if your fingers smell

like a stench trench.

Our first event

is pledge Olympics.

We got a couple circles

of hell for you.

Yeah?

You excited?

The first circle

is mystery shots.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Take that shot.

Oh, oh!

Nick, go again!

Go again!

And if you fail to reach

the final circle,

I'm gonna make sure

that you toss Benjamin's salad.

- Go! Go! Go, b*tches

- drink that b*tches!

And the guy hasn't

changed his underwear

or showered in three weeks.

He's training

for a f***ing marathon!

And I will

personally hold your nose

right to his gooch.

- You're not a freak!

Keep in mind, after hell week,

we're only a couple of

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