Frat Star Page #7

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coke and banging hussies?

It's about smarts!

Oh, my god, you are so dumb.

I bet you got held back

in kindergarten,

'cause you couldn't

bounce a ball!

You think you belong

in the Phidelts?

What's that smell?

Do I smell ozone burning?

Oh, I guess you must be

trying to think,

you f***ing small ears,

inbred f***!

If I were an a**hole,

I'd lock every single one

of you in the basement

and have you beaten with

an oar every 15 minutes

until you were in shape!

But JT down there

is hooking up with

Stephanie's little tonight,

and I'm not a cock block,

because I read rule 246

in the handbook

and I know how to be a man!

Ben, I cannot f***ing

do this anymore,

I'm going to burst

a blood vessel in my eye,

and I'm gonna f***ing go blind.

I got it, Prez, you did good.

"Gentilemen."

There will be an exam

at 5:
00 A.M.

If you score under 89 percent...

98 percent...

You're done.

Will this be graded on a curve?

No, it won't be graded

on a curve.

It'll be graded on a slant.

Try some scope, Nick.

'Cause you're breath

smells like d*cks!

Never have I ever,

tried to suck

my own f***ing dick.

- Come on, dude. -Everyone's

tried at least once.

- Gotta try it once.

- All right, all right.

Never have I ever,

f***ed a girl over 200 pounds.

Oh, what about two 100-pound

girls, at the same time?

Nah, nah, bro, that doesn't count.

That doesn't count.

Hey, don't stop on

account of me.

You wouldn't happen to be

talking about how the mugs

aren't frosted, would you?

'Cause, Chad, I'm pretty sure

somebody told you

to throw the mugs

in the freezer.

All right, why don't you

step up your game?

- Get a little self-respect.

- Self-respect!

Anyway, unpleasantries aside,

tonight is a very

important event, the hunt.

I "rove" me a scavenger

hunt, so exciting!

Hey, hey. This isn't like

those pansy-ass scavenger hunts

you used to do over

at greylock, okay?

Where you'd make snow angels,

roll around in the grass,

find a Twix bar

and think about shoving it

up your own ass.

Nah.

This is the real deal.

This is more like putting

a Twix bar in a twat.

There are 12 tasks tonight

and each one becomes more

difficult than the last.

The final task,

that's what really separates

the geeds from the Greeks.

The truffle butter.

Oh, a little tartufo Nero.

Well, you know what

that means, gentlemen.

We must protect this house!

To the moon!

All right, boys, task six.

One of us has to go

down on a black sister.

- Yes!

- I can do this.

Chong, what the f***

is your plan?

- Because this is important.

- Okay, I go to door,

- yeah. -I tell her my

name Ryan gosling...

- Oh, that's good.

- And I eat her p*ssy.

Okay, go do it.

I'm gonna f*** your hand!

Give me a leaf!

Give me a leaf!

- Go, go!

- Just do it.

Hey, Courtney.

It's Nick.

Hey.

Ugh! Uh.

Oh.

Hey.

Can you like open your legs

just like a little bit

or something?

What're you doing?

I'm on a mission.

I'm gonna f*** you in the ass.

- Oh, god.

- What?

You've never done this

before, have you?

There's a first time

for everything.

Hold on.

Oh, my...

Wanna join us?

I'm good.

Ugh.

This is a mission, isn't it?

If you don't complete,

you don't get in, pwief.

And I believe you just

broke into my room

and stuck your dick in me,

which is kind of grounds

for getting expelled,

don't you think?

- Courtney...

You're a nasty whore.

Hmm, I know.

F*** me or get expelled.

Your choice.

Welcome back.

Something wrong, Cooper?

Yeah, Cooper, you're

looking a little pale.

You don't look too well.

You look peaked.

Is everything all right?

What's, what's going on?

Holy sh*t.

You failed the hunt.

You didn't do the last

task of the hunt, did you?

I did it.

God damn it, Cooper!

You better not lie to me, Nick!

- I did it.

- You're a liar.

You're lying

because you're a liar.

How many times did I tell you

how important this was?

- A lot.

- A lot?

Please, for the love of all

that is good and holy,

- give me a ballpark, token.

- A thousand. A thousand.

A thousand times, Cooper!

This matters,

doesn't this matter to you?

Don't you... aren't you

taking this seriously?

You were supposed to be

the chosen one!

I was ready to be your brother.

I would've flown with you, Nick,

like a bald eagle

on the wings of a dream,

land on a rainbow

and slide down the side

till we found the pot of gold.

I would've traveled back

in time with you, Cooper,

dressed you like a redskin

and put a buckle hat on

and sat down next to you

at the first Thanksgiving feast!

I can't believe you.

You suck balls.

And I wanna hear you say it.

Say it!

I suck balls.

Say it again.

I suck balls.

No, you don't.

You suck big salty balls.

- Say it.

- I suck big salty balls.

Say it to me

while I'm over here.

I suck big salty balls.

Say it like you mean it!

I suck big salty balls!

Yeah you do, and you like it,

'cause you're weird.

You know what?

You're a failure,

and sometimes

when people are failures,

it can be really help

for them to just accept it,

and admit it

to themselves and to the

people around them.

That's biblical.

So why don't you tell me

that you're a failure, Nick.

Just tell me.

Just right here, you and me.

Just look in my eyes

and tell me

that you're a failure.

- I'm a failure.

- A what?

What, what was that?

Just a little bit louder.

I'm a failure.

- Louder!

- I'm a failure!

- Say it again!

- I'm a failure!

I'm just kidding dude,

I'm just kidding, bro.

No, this is a joke.

His face!

No, because you, you

couldn't see your face.

That was a good face.

- Dude.

- Oh, relax, Cooper.

- It couldn't have been that bad.

- Yeah, man.

The crinkled star's ruined many

a better dude than you, douche.

Yeah, I mean, it's hard to

get into the brown star.

- I understand.

- But do you though?

'Cause he's not yelling at you

like he's yelling at me.

Yeah, but they do it

just to get in your head, man,

- that's what it's about.

- No, it's some kind of game.

It's something that I'm

just not getting, you know.

Like...

You know what I think.

I think what it is it's

him giving me more sh*t,

'cause I'm number one pledge.

And I think

I gotta take the sh*t

that everybody else

is f***ing...

Yeah, no, I don't

think that's true.

I think you're overreacting.

I think we just all need

to just calm down.

I think he's giving

everyone sh*t

and you're taking it all on yourself

and you just need to relax.

- Everything's gonna be fine, Nick.

- I'm not overreacting.

There's no time to be chill

and "everything's

gonna be fine."

We gotta move quick,

they're making decisions.

We're running out of time.

Who's making decisions

about anything, man?

Look at Rockefeller.

All he does

is sit on those steps

and he puts his hair there

and he goes like this,

and he's gonna

get in no problem.

Yeah, because it's Rockefeller.

He doesn't have to try.

No, I'm talking about the guys

who do have to try,

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