Frat Star Page #6

---

- Yeah.

- Whatever they got.

How's the kid doing?

- Nick?

- Yeah.

Oh my god.

The best.

- Yeah.

- Every day, every day.

- Every day.

- That's because of you.

- No, it's us.

- No, it's you.

- What're you guys talking about?

- There he is.

There he is.

Here's to the new Nick.

- To the new Nick.

- Hey, to the transformation!

Okay!

Adam, hello.

- Billy, how's it going?

- Mr. president.

You don't have a jacket

or anything more formal?

- Hey, Nick.

- Hey Adam, Mr. president.

How're you doing, Nick?

Good to see you.

This is Mr. Nick.

- My dad.

- I'm the dad.

Nice to meet you, I'm Adam.

- Augustus.

- Augustus.

- You having a good time?

- What a pleasure.

I'm having a lovely time.

It's really fun to be back here.

I'm not sure if you can tell,

Adam, but Mr. Nick here

- is an alum.

- An alum?

- Well, yes.

- He's being humble.

Was kind of...

Kind of kicked out in '89.

You're not f***ing talking about

the Halloween of '89!?

- Well, I didn't want to say it!

- That was you!

I told you about that year.

Do you remember when I was

f***ing telling you about that?

Tell that story.

You gotta tell the story.

It's no big deal. The school,

I think, overreacted

just a little bit. Um, we had

some pledges and, uh, you know,

we hollowed out some pumpkins.

- It was Halloween!

- Come on, what'd you do?

We put 'em on their heads.

You know, we carved some

faces into the pumpkins.

The only problem was that,

you know, some of the

kids lost some eyes.

One of the kids was missing one

when he went into the thing, so.

You enhanced all four

of his other senses,

- by yourself!

- Exactly.

Thank you very much

for saying that.

We can't even hold kids under

water for like two minutes.

I am like fully erect right now.

Yes!

Listen.

I, um,

- noticed here, a table.

- For an alum.

- Yeah.

Whoa!

Mr. Nick wants to play some

pong, ladies and gentleman!

I... I don't want to,

you know, screw up

- somebody else's game.

- No, no, no.

Here we go...

Come on, come on, come on.

And bangers!

Now, it's time

to see if your bodies

are up to the ZB standard.

- Let's go robot pussies!

- Let's go robots!

P*ssy!

If you gain weight, you're out.

What is pain?

If you get acne, you're out.

And if you

don't survive tonight,

you'll never be in.

I feel no pain, sir!

I am Phidelt's reckoning!

- Look at this robot.

- Good job, team! Good job!

- Good job!

- Yes, sir!

As you'll kindly note,

in this short film,

no men appear.

You're to sit on a roll,

and in 20 minutes,

we're gonna judge

which roll is the wettest.

Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink!

Drink!

Drink! Drink!

Open up wide.

Here comes the airplane,

here comes the airplane!

Onward!

Yes!

Phidelt!

So I don't think I've asked you yet.

Where do you summer?

The Hamptons.

Yeah, but which one?

I dabble.

Oh token,

Hampton bay is having a sale.

You should get on that.

Hey Nick, take a

break, get some air.

I want to tell you

what a good job you've been doing.

Splendid.

I'm pleasantly surprised,

and I don't say that.

I mean, when I met your father,

the Cooper of Cooper tires...

I'm glad you're

one of the good ones,

a pureblood.

And, uh,

there's a lot of eyes on you,

so don't f*** this up.

That's all.

So what're you guys

talking about?

Auggie f***ed a pregnant woman.

- Again?

- Yeah.

The best part

about pregnant chicks:

They can't get pregnant.

Hey Auggie, you still have

that lactation fetish?

Yeah.

- Yes!

- Yeah!

- It feels good.

- Yeah.

- Does that feel good?

- Yeah.

- Feels so f***ing good.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- I gotta go.

- What? Nick.

What?

I want you to show me

that thing you can do.

I'm tired, baby.

Come on.

I want you to make me come.

What's in it for me, huh?

I'll tell you what our little

whore Rosanna has been up to.

What's Rosanna been up to?

Lots of bad things.

Tell me.

I will.

But you first.

- Really, what's Rosanna...

- No, no, shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

- Tonight is the night.

- F*** yeah, it's the night.

- Are you ready?

- I'm f***ing ready.

- Whoo!

- Whoo!

This...

We're done with this.

We're done with that!

Ah! Beer for you, my friend.

Come here and give me that sh*t.

My broski.

- Ugh! Dude. -That was

f***ing nuts last night.

That was incredible.

You were incredible.

- Cheers to you.

- Cheers to you, Mr. Hawkins.

To Mr. Cooper!

Boys, freshmen first orgy.

Time-honored

Phidelt tradition.

That's right. Hey, not

my first orgy though.

No, but it's your first

with a pregnant chick.

Let's hope.

I was on my yacht once and this

pregnant chick went into labor.

Ooh, still gets me hard

thinking about it.

I can top that.

So one time,

I was having an orgy

on a private jet,

- with my dad.

- Mr. Nick.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shush up.

We're here on official business.

We see what you all are doing,

and we like what we see.

Winners get to choose

the room that they want,

way over the underclassmen.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Don't thank him.

- Boys, let's go.

- Hell, yeah.

- Not you.

All right, line up, boners.

Let's go.

Ariel, what is the location

of the famous phi delta chapter

that threw

the Nazi-Negroes party?

New York?

Wrong!

Token,

what is best flavor of Gatorade

scientifically proven

to cure hangovers?

- Lemon-lime?

- Blue!

JT, what scent of

Cologne am I wearing?

Is it Davidoff cool water

or axe instinct?

- Cool water. -It's

f***ing Dior Fahrenheit

you olfactory retard!

What's the best TV show

of all time?

Um, "gossip girl."

"Entourage"!

What is the best band

of all time?

- Coldplay!

- Mumford and sons!

What is the best adjective of

all time, ching Chang Chong?

Rovingry.

What?

Rovingry.

What are you saying?

- I think it's lovingly.

- Wrong!

It's "epic"!

As in you epically don't

know how to talk right.

What is the best movie

of all time?

"Eyes wide shut," sir.

"Boondock saints," trebeck.

F***!

"There was a fire fight!"

Nick, I swear to god,

if you miss this question,

I'm gonna buy you a little puppy

and make sure you two form

an inseparable bond.

And then I'm gonna murder him,

right in front of your face!

What is the name

of the Phidelt alum

who invented the flesh light?

Mmm.

Sh*t. It's on the

tip of my tongue.

- Uh, uh, uh.

- Uh! Uh! Uh!

Uh uh duh!

Duh duh.

- Anthony, Anthony something.

- Anthony!

It's a softball Nick.

It's a softball!

Seriously?

Seriously?!

You fucks!

Did nobody read f***ing

page one of the handbook?

All of these answers and more

are in the f***ing handbook,

Nick!

Because they are integral

to being the kind of man

that a Phidelt needs to be!

Seriously?

Why the f*** are you

smirking at me, Billy?

I will rip your lips off

and I will staple them

right to the pledge banner!

You guys think being a Phidelt's

all about having fun.

Look at me.

I'm Rockefeller.

I have a f***ing

sacagawea coin tie clip.

F*** Greenwich and f*** you!

All of you idiots

think this is fun and games?

You think it's all snorting

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes