Frat Star Page #5

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But, actually,

it's not time for that.

This is college, bro.

And you wanna be a Phidelt,

and you wanna be a BMOC.

You are young,

you are in college,

and you should be f***ing

as many girls as possible.

Oh my god, I'm upset,

Jesus Christ.

All right.

Okay. Okay.

Will you please

just be cool and f*** girls

and go to parties

and rock on like you born to do?

If you do that,

I will give you this drink.

I'm gonna try.

I'll try to be cool.

Give me more than that.

- I promise.

- Ah!

Take that.

- Cheers.

- I promise.

- To your calm body.

- Okay.

- This is terrible

- sit down here.

I know I'm a mess, but you don't

have to kill me for it, okay?

I think you're killing me,

and I gotta go to the bathroom.

I'm sorry.

He's crazy.

Rosanna, I know you have

a crush on someone.

Come on, just tell us.

Okay, I think that Nick is cute,

and he seems different.

- So...

- He's not.

That tongue is different.

- Is he pledging Phidelt?

- I think he's considering it.

Well, then, he's definitely not.

No guys, I had a conversation

with him the other night.

And he just got out of a

really long relationship,

and I think that he's

having a tough time.

- He's lying.

- Which is stupid,

'cause it's not like

we actually give a sh*t.

Exactly.

It's about keeping your number

- above his.

- My number?

Power of the p*ssy, Rosanna.

- Trust us.

- I'm sorry, what?

Pregame, party, sex, soul,

pregame, party, different sex,

- still drunk!

And once you've seen every

Phidelt, Alphadelt,

and Sigep's rope face,

you own them.

They think this is their sport.

- Trust us.

- It's not.

So, Auggie.

Who are you liking?

It's Billy Hawkins comes from

a Virginian line

- with deep confederate roots.

- How deep?

His great-great-granddad

is Jefferson Davis.

- Deep.

- His family bought

a ton of land from the

Choctaw in Mississippi.

Now his roommate, Cooper,

interesting case.

Billy's bringing out

a lot out in him,

but the whole fuckjerry

thing, I mean,

"hashtag Nick Cooper is sad,"

it's just depressing.

Benjamin, how does

this make you feel?

- F*** fuckjerry.

- It's press.

- He's a Jew.

- It's good press.

- It's Jew press.

- What press isn't?

But keep in mind that his family

is the Cooper tire family.

- Nationals would love that.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I'm not sure about this kid.

- I'm with Auggie on this one.

Hey, I like

the Cooper tire connection.

I think it says a lot.

What're we planning

for the pledges?

Brothers,

I have deep concerns.

Over the past few years,

we've gone soft on pledges,

and as a result,

our house has become

a gaping receptacle.

Our front door,

it's loose, sloppy.

- Flabby.

- That's why I want

our next pledge class

to be the white hot

cream of the crop.

I want that white hot cream

all over this house.

- All over us.

- Yeah.

I want to ride

these pledges hard.

I want to ride 'em harder

during hell week,

and I want the hunt

to be kinkier, riskier,

- and I want to see more paddlings.

- Yeah.

I wanna ride

those pledges so hard,

they're on all fours,

begging us, in the name of

Phidelt, "please stop."

And that, my brothers,

is how you get the most

premium, exquisite pledge class,

molded in our bare hands

like supple Clay.

From a gentile fountain.

All right, now listen up,

you candyasses.

You guys made it this far

and to that I say

congratufuckinglations, huh?

That just means

from here on out,

everything you have

is yours to lose.

For the next few weeks,

you guys are going

to have to prove

every bit of your worth.

You guys have

a golden opportunity

to become members of the group

of the most influential people

ever birthed by

our great nation.

Chester a. Arthur.

Nelson a. Rockefeller.

Leona Helmsley's dog.

- Woof.

- Yeah.

Michael bay,

and of course, my dad.

- Let's go.

- A-ho!

- Chong Chang.

- Chong has the potential

to be the next Len fang.

He got a five on every AP.

One of two kids

in the world to do it,

the other being Spencer

Reid from "criminal minds."

Jamarcus Johnson,

St. Paul's.

All hail token.

- Oh, yes!

- Token? Cute.

Chad Grazier.

Now Chad here is a specimen.

6'4", 220, 210. Hell,

once we've all moved on,

Chad might have a chance at

being the face of the house.

Oh, my god.

Whoa!

Mind the wing tips, bro!

JT.

JT's dad got a beej

from Cindy Crawford once.

In that case, I'll let it slide.

Uh, Jake.

His dad owns the 54th largest yacht

in the world, named "trs Riche."

I know what

we're doing for spring break.

Zachary Rockefeller.

Greenwich country day,

then Brunswick,

then transferred to deerfield,

- then PGED at Taft.

- Whoa, calm down sailor,

that's a hell of a resume.

You guys could take

a note or two.

Billy Hawkins,

the Whitehall university,

honor to be here, sir!

What're you gonna bring

to the Phidelts.

Ya know, other than Cooper.

Nick Cooper.

How much interaction do you have

with the family business?

I work at dad's plant

in the summer, why?

Ah, start at the bottom,

learn the business,

working your way to the top.

I like that.

This is my favorite party.

We had so much fun last year.

You spent four hours

throwing up off the front porch.

I know!

So who are you gonna hook

up with tonight, Courtney?

- Anyone who's fresh meat.

- That's my girl.

I think the real question is,

who's our little Princess

Rosanna gonna hook up with?

Nobody!

- She's so judgmental.

- She's super prudish.

I know. I feel like she

was really mean to me.

She doesn't have

any ZB qualities.

Well, we'll just have to see

if she can become

a beautiful ZB swan.

Mm, so...

- That's a nice top.

- Why, thank you.

I just wanted you to know

that tonight,

I slay Nick Cooper.

Oh, Rosie, Rosie, Rosie,

what's the matter?

I just don't get it.

You guys begged me

to tell you who I like

and the one guy I say I'm

interested in is the one guy

that Courtney has to go after.

Yeah, Rosanna.

This isn't about Nick.

It's about the ZB way of life.

And if you can't handle it,

I'm sure the kappas

would be happy to have you.

All right,

Mr. Cooper!

We have seven parties

this upcoming fortnight.

You are to get laid

no matter what.

I don't wanna hear

that she was crying

or that she was sad

or that she was asleep.

- Do you understand me?

- Aye aye, captain.

Operation fortnight commence.

Mr. Cooper,

consider an offering.

You've done it.

How you doing?

I'm doing fine.

You look like a cat.

Jungle kitty cat.

Do me, f***ing jungle cat.

Meow.

I'm not ordained, though.

Oh my gosh,

Mr. Nick!

What?

- Oh my god!

- Ahh!

Ahh!

Get me some bangers!

Boom and boom and boom.

- How are ya, Billy?

- Good.

It's good to see you.

I have been thinking about you

- ever since you left, man.

- Oh, stop it.

This is who I've been

talking about!

Oh, stop it.

Stop it.

Oh, man.

- Hey listen, Nick.

- Yeah.

Do me a favor. Um, can

you fetch me a cocktail?

Anything, anything

they got over there.

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