Fred 2: Night of the Living Fred Page #4

I have mental tilapia.

Good night.

I've really got to keep any eye

on that Devlin guy.

My mom, she told me he's interested in me.

I guess he's been asking

questions about me and stuff.

But anyway, I read online,

vampires, they do all of their dirty work

in the nighttime.

So this is the only time of the day that

I'm gonna be able to catch him in the act.

Is that Mrs. Felson's jacket?

Gammit!

He saw me! I gotta get out of here.

Dad! I need your help.

Well, that's no coincidence, Son,

because I need your help.

- Really?

- Yes.

We gotta face this enemy together. Let's go!

Okay.

Now entering the arena,

the reigning Tag Team Champions,

Fred Figglehorn

and his father, Dad Figglehorn!

Let's go!

Now, the champs must face

their deadliest opponents yet,

the masked vampire,

Mr. Devlin!

And his undead partner, Kevin!

- Oh, my gammit!

- They're vampires, Son.

In the words of Vince McMahon,

"Expect the unexpected."

Oh, my gammit!

No human is a match

for the strength of the undead.

- Except a WWE Superstar.

- I was going to say that.

If you'd let me finish, that was going to be

the end of my sentence.

I'm sorry, I cut you off.

- You're what?

- I'm sorry.

Well, you don't sound like you mean it,

so apology not accepted!

Figglehorn!

Please don't bite my neck!

- I'm not gonna bite you!

- You aren't?

No, that's disgusting!

The other vampires

would think we're dating.

I just thought

you wanted to turn me undead.

No, someone else could do it.

I just want you dead!

Well, that's a relief!

Good job, Son.

Thanks. Look out behind you.

Two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten!

What? Well, I better get to bed.

I have school tomorrow.

I'm more convinced than ever

that he's a vampire!

- Come on, Fred.

- Did you hear him?

He said he was going to

suck the life out of those kids.

Yeah, I heard him,

but I'm sure he meant something else.

Hey, Fred.

I'm gonna need some of your blood.

You too, Bertha.

I stand corrected.

What makes you think

we'd give you any of our blood, Mr. Devlin?

For the blood drive.

I'm gonna get a pint of blood

from each of the kids.

- Kevin gave a pint this morning.

- Yup and I feel great.

Well, you look terrible.

Yeah? Well, I look better than you!

I highly doubt that, stupid!

You know, it's a great thing

that Kevin's done.

He's given the gift of life

to someone who needs it.

Kind of like a vampire, if you ask me.

- Well, vampires need to live, too, Fred.

- No, they don't,

- they're dead already.

- That's where you're wrong, Fred.

Vampires are undead.

Well, enough joking around,

I have to get going.

I'll see you guys later

when I take your blood.

Bertha, I met your mother last night.

She is a wonderful, wonderful waitress.

Maybe next time, you give her a better tip.

The recital is tonight,

and everyone's gonna be there.

- I know, isn't it exciting?

- It's scary, is what it is.

I know, I know,

totally scary in an exciting way.

Hey, I wanna show you something.

I made these hand puppets.

Hi, Fred. I'm Talia.

Hi, Talia. I'm Fred.

I like you, Fred.

I'm not sure I'm ready to say

how I feel about you yet, Talia.

That's okay, even though

I already opened myself up to you.

That's nice.

Talia, hurry up! Mr. Devlin is waiting!

I hope you're not mad I'm taking lessons.

Was that the puppet talking?

Okay, bye.

Puppet cooties.

Talia's under his spell, too!

Which in some ways is okay

because she's kind of creeping me out,

but still,

- what's happening?

- He's taking control of your life!

That's what's happening!

- Dad.

- And you've got to do something about it.

Cripes, Dad.

Language.

What should I do?

I'd light some scented candles,

maybe breathe through a damp cloth.

No, I'm talking about Devlin!

You're gonna suck his blood!

Suck his blood before he sucks yours.

Grab his head like this,

turn his neck sideways like this!

And then, you bite his neck and drink

that blood, that warm, thick, gooey blood.

You got to gulp it down,

like some red hot motor oil milkshake.

I mean, you got to drink

so much of that blood

that it smells like a hospital

and tastes like a dentist.

Fred? Fred?

- Sorry, I passed out.

- It's okay. Where was I?

Yeah, smells like a hospital

and tastes like a dentist.

Fred, Fred. Wake up!

You've got to prepare yourself.

First of all, vampires

hate baseball players,

so we got to find a bunch

of baseball players to help us out.

Yeah. Wait, what?

Vampires are always yelling

at baseball players.

I think you're thinking of umpires, Dad.

I still think a baseball player

may be of some use to us.

Okay.

All right, listen, you've gotta take

this guy on in public,

that way he's got no place to hide.

The recital's tonight,

and everyone's gonna be there.

That's the field of battle.

That's where he's going to turn everybody

into vampires!

And that's where I'm gonna take

a wooden stake and drive it into his heart!

Wait, you...

You're not really gonna stab him, are you?

- Well, yeah, he's a vampire, Dad.

- Good!

Just try not to get

any blood on your shirt, okay?

- Okay.

- Now, go.

Gather your forces!

- Take this, it will make you go faster.

- Okay. Thanks, Dad.

Bertha! Bertha! Bertha!

It's the recital, that's where he's...

Hello-ski!

- You're taking lessons?

- My mom's making me do it.

It's no big deal.

It's a very big deal. She's very talented.

Join the world, Fred.

I'm alone!

Everybody else has joined his evil world!

He crept into every corner of my life

and took over!

Now, I've got to take him on all by myself.

First, I'll need a cross,

a really big cross.

What are you doing?

Derf! What are you doing here?

There's a question already on the table.

I'm using this cross against a vampire.

Do you want to help?

- No.

- Okay. So...

How've you been, Derf?

You know, I've been pretty chilled.

Is that good?

- It's tight.

- Is that good?

- On point.

- Is that good?

- It's off the chain, Fred.

- Derf! Just tell me! Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

You know that's not a real cross, right?

I know, but it'll do, I think.

How do you know? Are you a vampire?

No. I've been reading about them online.

No one's ever learned how to kill a vampire

from the Internet.

Well, it looks like I'll be the first, then.

- You should probably go.

- Yeah.

- I've got to stop this vampire.

- And there's a cop car.

It's illegal to steal signs, Fred.

Hello, hello. You look so hungry.

- Let me get you some food.

- I'll just have some garlic sauce.

Garlic sauce?

All you gonna eat is garlic sauce?

Yeah, can't you just get, like,

a big old bowl of garlic sauce, you know?

No.

Okay, well, do you have, like,

chicken with garlic sauce?

- Yes.

- Okay, I'll have chicken with garlic sauce.

- Okay.

- Just hold the chicken.

- Why you need garlic sauce?

- To stop a vampire.

- What's a vampire?

- It's like... You know, like a...

- You vampire?

- No, no, I'm not a vampire.

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