Free Guy Page #4

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Or is somebody outside pumping you up?

I’m sorry that I haven’t been around, Bud.

I’ve been figuring some stuff out.

Whatcha mean, “figure stuff out”? It is nothing to figure out.

Okay? You go to bed, you wake up, you get some coffee, then you come to work.

And then you repeat the same thing tomorrow.

The girl.

Oh, my God.

I talked to her. I talked to her.

The one with the sunglasses?

The sunglasses, yes!

I talked to one of the sunglass people and now I’m one of the sunglass people.

(DOOR OPENS)

Me.

(GUN C*CKS)

ROBBER:
Everybody down on the ground!

You’re so hot.

What if I could tell you that you could be more?

Your life could be fuller.

That you’re free to make your own decisions. Your own choices.

Yo, dumbass.

We are in the middle of something.

Uh…

(TUTTING)

(WHISPERS) That’s my gun.

(TUTTING) Quiet time.

These puppies changed my life. And they’re gonna change yours, too.

Come on now, you know we don’t wear sunglasses.

(LAUGHS)

(WHISPERS) We do now.

Mine now.

Are you kidding me?

Put ’em on.

No.

Life doesn’t have to be something that just happens to us. All right?

Just put the glasses on and you’re gonna see.

You’re gonna see.

Come on.

I can’t, okay?

I’m sorry.

I’m keeping these, a**hole mouth.

Now get out of here. Go be nicer.

Beat it. Go, go, go.

Don’t walk, run.

And you… (EXCLAIMS)

Ugh.

(CLATTERS)

Sorry.

Um, you could do so much better than that guy.

You could be with, like, a good guy.

Or maybe I don’t have to be with any guy.

Right? Exactly. Most of them are awful.

They really are.

Terrible.

Yeah, do whatever you wanna do.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

You’re my best friend, Buddy.

And you don’t have to be scared.

If you change your mind, I’ll be around.

MOUSER:
Yo, Keys, our Blue Shirt Guy is everywhere.

KEYS:
I know.

MOUSER:
Who is this guy?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO)

I’m here.

I really appreciate this, Keys.

KEYS:
Okay. Just to be clear, all I’m doing right now is opening the door.

If this clip really does prove that Antwan reused our code illegally, go find it and get out.

Player’s doing the jewelry store mission in midtown.

That gives you 5 minutes.

And go.

Keys, you’re a goddamn genius.

KEYS:
Really?

I’m sitting on the toilet right now, stealing user codes, so I don’t exactly feel like one.

Oh, you never have.

Good thing I know better.

KEYS:
All right. The clip you’re looking for should be on the wall to your left.

Thanks for the assist.

You got it.

I hope it has the proof you’re looking for.

(ALARM BLARING)

Keys! I need your help!

He’s got that place booby-trapped with spawn points.

Millie, I can’t help you.

(MOTORBIKE REVVING)

(MEN GRUNT)

Blue Shirt Guy?

It’s a Henley. Was that cool? It felt really cool.

You look really pretty. Wow, this house is so nice.

What are you doing here?

I was trying to steal a video clip, now we’re trying not to die.

Who are you talking to?

You know, that player in the NPC skin.

Millie, there are no other players in that house.

(GROANS)

That actually hurt my hand.

Get down!

(YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(CAR HORN HONKS)

(BONE CRACKS)

(GROANS)

(YELLS) I’m sorry! Oh, God! (GAGS)

We’re doing great.

(REVVING)

Wow!

(GRUNTS)

We should definitely go!

Oh, sh*t!

Is that a Glock in your pocket?

No.

What?

It’s two Glocks.

Oh!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(MEN GROANING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC RESUMES)

I don’t suppose this thing can fly.

(LAUGHS) No.

Jump.

Wow!

Whoa! (LAUGHING)

(EXHALES)

Oh, sh*t.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Good morning, sheeple!

Oh, you are fired.

There is some concern with the bloody zombies, retailers won’t carry the game.

Cut it. It’s out. Never even happened. Next.

It’s your lawyers. They need to get your deposition…

Speak. Which lawsuit are we talking about?

Millie, Millie Rusk? No sweat.

That will never see the inside of a courtroom… because she’s got no proof and her ex-partner works for me.

We’re golden.

Antwan, hey. You look great.

Uh, I thought you were still at Burning Man.

Oh, does it look like I’m still at Burning Man?

You, you, you…

No. So, shut your stupid, bearded face and listen.

You heard about the a**hole running around in the game who looks like an NPC?

Yeah, yeah. We call him Blue Shirt Guy. But we’re gonna get rid of him.

Don’t get rid of him. People like him. It’s all over social media. No.

In fact, know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna use the skin in Free City 2.

Oh, art nerds! We’re gonna make some upgrades to Blue Shirt, all right?

‘Roid him out. Make him a hitman or something.

Antwan, we’re already way behind porting over the skins from Free City 1.

ANTWAN:
Skins? Don’t even worry about that.

They won’t be usable in Free City 2.

KEYS:
Antwan, you told the fans…

Free City 2 is backwards compatible. It was in the commercial.

You said there’d be the same characters in the sequel.

Well, here’s the thing. When I said that, I was lying.

Listen, Antwan, the game is already buggier than ever.

I got a stack of user complaints, like a mile high.

Look, I know it sucks.

But the IP recognition is rock hard. Okay? So don’t even worry about it.

I’m just saying, we could make an original game.

ANTWAN:
What?

Make an original? Why would I do that when I could make a sequel?

A sequel.

So we can make it better?

IPs and sequels, that is the thing that people want.

Let me ask you a question.

Okay.

You love Kentucky Fried Chicken, right?

MOUSER:
Mmm-hmm.

No.

If you love Kentucky Fried Chicken, and I make Kentucky Fried Chicken, and I know that you love Kentucky Fried Chicken, why would I make another restaurant called, uh, I don’t know, “Albuquerque Boiled Turkey”?

Okay? Makes no sense, homie.

MOUSER:
Mmm-hmm. No sense.

What am I gonna give you? A sequel. Kentucky Fried Chicken-Chicken, Part Two.

MOUSER:
Uh, yum. Drop the deuce on him.

Come on. Come here. Come here.

I don’t want you to stress that glorious shampoo commercial head of yours about it.

Free City 2 is gonna be jumunjious.

That’s not a word.

You sure you don’t wanna bump up to programming?

I know you got the brains for it.

No thanks. I’m good right where I am.

Love it. Fear of flying. Can’t say I can relate.

But all good with me if I don’t have to pay you more.

Antwan out.

(SIGHS)

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

Who is this guy?

MOLOTOVGIRL:
Wow!

GUY:
I took your advice.

I leveled up.

Impressive.

Why are you doing all of this?

You know, I guess I felt… trapped.

You know, in my life.

I just felt so…

Stuck.

Yeah. And then I saw you.

Then I saw you.

Who are you?

I’m Guy.

No, who are you really?

Still Guy.

All of this, leveling up so fast.

Giving this whole world the finger.

How are you pulling this off?

I’ve never given anyone any of my fingers.

(CLICKS TONGUE, WHISPERS) You work at Soonami, don’t you?

No.

You’ve got an inside track.

I work at the bank.

Right. The bank.

So, you’re just this incredible hacker who happens to work at the bank.

Yes, I work at the bank.

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