Free Guy Page #5

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Where did you get that skin?

It’s always sort of been there.

Why do people keep asking me that question?

I don’t know, why do they?

No, no. Not doing that. I…

What’s happening right now?

I don’t know, but I don’t buy it.

No.

Okay, fine. I’ll forget it.

Fine. Good.

I’ll let it go.

Yes.

Great.

We all have our secrets, I guess.

Yes, we do.

Hey.

Do you like ice cream?

MOLOTOVGIRL:
I can’t believe I’ve never been here.

Well, it’s sort of a secret.

That’s why me and my buddy, Buddy, always come here. It’s quiet and safe.

Yeah, it makes sense.

No missions here.

Oh, you gotta try this. You’re gonna think I’m crazy.

This is my favorite flavor in the whole world.

We’ll take two of the usual, please.

ICE CREAM VENDOR: You got it, Guy.

It’s bubble gum flavor.

You think I’m crazy, don’t you?

Guy…

Get out of my brain hole! I love bubble gum ice cream.

No, you don’t. Are you making fun of me right now?

No! Nobody likes bubble gum ice cream.

No, I do.

I had a relationship end over bubble gum ice cream.

No way. Here.

Yeah.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Mmm.

How good is that?

You can taste it?

Taste it? It’s like my tongue had a baby with a sunrise.

MOLOTOVGIRL:
Mmm-hmm?

Mmm.

Coffee used to be my favorite food, but compared to this, it tastes like liquid suffering.

(LAUGHS)

What?

(LAUGHING)

Nothing. You’re funny.

I am?

Yeah.

Weird funny. (CHUCKLES)

But that’s kind of my speed.

Weird funny, that’s totally my speed, too.

Great.

Yeah. I know a joke.

A weird funny joke. You wanna hear it?

Please.

Okay.

A homosexual and a man in a wheelchair are trying to murder a very small child…

The cripple says to the homosexual…

Whoa. Stop, stop.

Stop! Where did you hear that?

A robbery. The gunman told it to the driver who thought it was hilarious, so I memorized it and told everyone.

Word of advice?

Don’t crib your jokes from the trolls of Free City.

Trolls?

Is that a swing set?

Holy…

MOLOTOVGIRL:
Okay, this is too weird.

Vintage Mariah, bubble gum ice cream, and now swings?

This is too weird.

I thought the same thing, too.

I thought the same thing.

When I was younger, I was obsessed with swings.

Growing up in my family, it was…

(SIGHS) You don’t wanna hear this. No.

Oh, I wanna hear everything.

(HESITATES) Oh.

Growing up in my family, it wasn’t good enough to be great.

You had to win, and that pressure, you know, it was just constant.

But when I was in the backyard on that little swing…

You know that moment, that split second between rising and falling, when you’re totally weightless, it feels like you’re free.

In love.

Free. What you said. Yeah.

I really wanna kiss you. Is that weird?

You want to kiss me?

I wanna kiss you so badly.

You want to kiss me badly?

No!

No?

No, no, no, no, no. I wanna kiss you well.

I mean, I’m an idiot, so I say things like an idiot sometimes.

No, you’re not. You’re not.

I mean, um, uh, if you know how to, go for it.

I know how.

Okay.

Here it goes.

(SILENCE DESCENDS)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

That was so much better than ice cream.

(CHUCKLING)

Whoa!

I think someone’s at the door.

I’ll say.

Well, this was great.

Yeah, it was.

Let’s meet up again sometime soon. Yeah?

Yes. Definitely.

Maybe in the real world.

What?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Bye.

Okay.

Bye, Molotov.

Hey… my real name is Millie.

My real name continues to be Guy.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

KEYS:
Millie, open up! Millie, it’s me, it’s Keys! Open up! Come on!

(CONTINUES KNOCKING) Millie! It’s me, open up!

What?

You were right.

You were right.

Oh, come on in.

You were right. Our code, it is in Free City and, Millie, it works.

Yeah, I know. But we don’t have proof.

KEYS:
Just forget about that for one second.

I’m saying that our game, Life Itself, where characters would grow and change and feel real…

Yeah?

…worked.

Keys.

The AI worked.

It’s the reason why Free City is so realistic and people love it so much.

And of course it doesn’t look the same.

There’s no waterfalls, there’s no butterflies and unicorns, all the characters have different skins. Of course they do.

But the underlying code in the game is the same. Our code.

And Guy, I mean, he has evolved way further than we thought was even possible.

Wait, are you talking about the hacker in the NPC skin?

Millie, I’m talking about the fact that Blue Shirt Guy…

MILLIE:
Yeah?

…is not a player.

He is an algorithm who thinks he’s alive.

I mean, hell, technically, he is alive.

He is the first real artificial intelligence.

(EXCLAIMS) No! No.

KEYS:
I know.

No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah.

Guy? My Guy?

KEYS:
Guy.

One who has been…

Your Guy?

Holy…

KEYS:
This is a good thing.

No, it’s really bad.

Millie, his code, it’s thousands of times the size it should be.

We did it, Mills.

We did it. Everything that we wanted to create, it actually happened.

Okay? Did you know that the NPCs have private lives?

One of the baristas learned how to make a cappuccino through trial and error.

I mean, that’s really difficult. I can’t even do that.

I can’t even froth my own oat milk in the morning.

And the Bombshell character in the game wrote a memoir that’s a searing indictment of gender roles, the patriarchy…

It’s a little preachy in parts, but overall, it’s pretty good.

Millie, we have to celebrate!

No, this can’t be happening.

What are you talking about?

This is what we’ve been working for!

No, I let him kiss me!

So, yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

I’m sorry, wait, you let who kiss you?

MILLIE:
Guy.

Guy?

The first time I kiss a non-toxic guy in like forever and of course he’s not even real!

Uh, there’s not a button for that.

Oh, he found the button.

Okay.

MILLIE:
Yeah.

I am… I’m so confused.

Why is it so hot?

KEYS:
And surprisingly curious.

(CHUCKLES) You let an artificially intelligent video game character kiss you?

Oh, okay,

can you just stop saying it like that?

And then you thought that would be…

Because you have got to meet him, Keys.

He’s funny, and he’s sweet, and he’s so handsome.

Oh, my God, now I’m saying it out loud.

Also, Millie, food for thought, he’s like four.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Really? You’re gonna do that?

Really.

Wow, you just made that really creepy.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Millie, put all that aside. Weird or not, when people find out about this, you could win a Nobel Prize. Oh, God.

What?

Oh, my God, if they see this…

MILLIE:
What? What is it?

Oh!

KEYS:
Antwan. What else? He’s lying. He lied about using our code, he’s been lying about the game being backwards compatible. I think he’s lying about Free City 1.

What are you talking about?

KEYS:
Look. You see? There’s not one mission, not one location… I mean, there’s not even a single character from Free City 1 on here. Free City 2 is not an update…

It’s a replacement.

Exactly.

So when Free City 2 launches on Monday…

Blue Shirt Guy, all proof of our code, everything will be deleted.

He can’t do that. I mean, this is artificial life we’re dealing with. I mean, that’s insane. … We’re screwed.

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