Freebie and the Bean Page #10

- I lent it to Louise.

- You lent your car to Louise?

- Upstairs. Louise. Yes.

Okay. Sit right there.

Don't move.

I won't move.

Louise!

- Louise!

- 'What?'

Did Consuela lend you

her car last night?

(Louise)

'Let me talk to her.'

Never mind her!

I'm doing the talking here.

Did Consuela lend you

her car last night?

Louise, go ahead and

tell him the truth.

Don't lie.

Just tell the truth.

Did Consuela lend you

her car last night?

(Louise)

'Okay! I borrowed

the station wagon last night!'

Where did you go?

(Louise)

'To the Red Coach Motor Lodge.'

- Who were you with?

- None of your Goddamn business!

- Can I get up now?

- Sit right there.

(Consuela)

'I'm not moving...Copper.'

Sergeant Bean,

intelligence 2-1 , please.

(Freebie)

'Yeah?'

Freebie?

She's coming up with answers.

She's got answers

for everything.

I don't know

what the hell to do.

Hit her with the phone bill.

In the month of December,

there's 345 message units

to Acme Landscape Gardening.

Now, if you want

to be alive in the morning

you start coming up

with some answers.

l-l know what that is but l-l

don't want to tell you about it

because it will ruin

the surprise.

Go ahead.

Ruin the surprise.

R-Really, I want the surprise--

- Now. Ruin the surprise.

- Okay.

- I can answer this very easily.

- Go ahead.

You know all that dirt

in the backyard?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm getting

a lawn put on there

and there's gonna be

four lemon trees

lined up on this side

of the house.

We're gonna have

a chain-link fence

going all the way

around the back

with rose bushes

all along in front

so that yard won't look

like a pigpen no more.

And who's gonna pay for this?

Where's the money

gonna come from?

Did you come

into an inheritance

or been stealing

from the grocery money or what?

'That's a $1 ,000 worth

of stuff you're talking about.'

Will you let me

tell you, that's what

all these calls to Acme are.

I've been spending hours

on the phone

talking the guy into it.

He's the neighbor.

The guy with the two white dogs.

I talked him into giving us

a great bargain.

Three hundred dollars.

We're getting it at cost.

We make, you know,

payments of $1 0 a month.

- You want to see the plans?

- I don't want to see the plans.

- 'Oh, come on. See the plans.'

- I don't want to see them.

- I don't want to see the plans.

- Sure. I'll show them to you.

I don't want to see the plans!

I don't want to see

the Goddamn plans.

How many times do I have to tell

you? Sit down for Christ sake!

Okay. Alright, alright.

- Yeah.

- Again, really?

When you left

the house last night

I went into the bathroom,

and I looked in the closet

and your thing was gone.

- What thing?

- Your thing!

What thing..

I don't know--

You know what

I'm talking about.

No, I really don't.

What thing are you--

(Freebie)

'Your thing was gone

from the closet!'

- In the bathroom.

- In the bathroom closet!

- What thing is that? Now what--

- The thing! The thing!

- What thing? Tell me what--

- The Goddamn thing!

I keep a lot of things in there.

My makeup, my lash curler--

You know what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about?

You know exactly

what I'm talking about!

Your thing was gone!

You have to tell me

what thing..

The bolsa de agua.

[laughs]

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!

Laugh your way out

of that one, baby. Ha-ha!

- My douche bag?

- Yeah.

I don't believe it.

[laughing]

Come on, chickadee, I'm gonna show

you where this douche bag..

The thing, is. There.

If you were home, you'd see it.

Now, two holes, three holes,

I could still use it

but four holes,

it was too late.

More went out than in.

So I had to retire it after

nine years of faithful service.

I figure maybe

if I'm lucky

you'll buy me a new

thing for Christmas, huh?

Aqui. The thing.

What now?

Watch it, eh?

Yesterday morning

you went to the market.

That's right.

And this run, right here..

...was on the left leg.

Two hours!

You were gone two hours

and when you came back

with a bottle of cream--

It was very crowded,

the store. Yeah.

Yeah. Two hours

for a bottle of cream.

- Lt was crowded, I tell you.

- I hear you.

This run was no longer

on the left leg

but had somehow magically

moved over to the right leg.

Now what happened? You fell down

and your legs got tangled up?

No. No. I, uh, went

to the ladies room.

That's all. Okay?

You don't take them all the way

off in the ladies room.

How do you know?

How would you know that?

Have you ever seen a lady

do it in the ladies room?

What, that creep, Freebie

has you peeking

in ladies rooms that women

go into the bathroom?

- Nobody takes them off.

- That's disgusting.

What is it that you and Freebie

are doing all the time anyway?

No, now I know why you haven't

touched me in two months.

You're busy with weirdness

in ladies rooms.

Don't give me that crap!

Nobody takes them

all the way off..

Okay. I grant you that.

You want to hear

why exactly I took them off?

I would love that if you told me

why you took them off already.

Alright, fine.

It's a long story.

I want to hear it.

I was looking for the bottle

of cream, you know.

So I was crouching down on a low

shelf looking for my brand

and this kid

threw up on me.

- Hmm.

- Down my shins, you know.

And the mother was very

embarrassed and apologetic

and she tried to wipe

with tissue

so finally the three of us

went to the ladies room

at which point,

I took off my pantyhose

rinsed them out

in the basin

let them dry

and then I put them

back on again

apparently backwards,

so the run moved.

What did you put

them back on for?

- Are you kidding?

- No.

You think I would run around

without panties on?

What kind of man are you?

I'm shocked that

you even asked me that.

Freebie would ask me that,

that lowlife, but not my husband.

I'm really shocked.

Of course I put

the pantyhose back on.

You're not so dumb,

are you?

No...I'm not dumb.

I gotta be smart..

...'cause I'm married

to this smart cop.

I cannot afford

to be dumb.

Are you telling me

the truth?

No. Of course not.

It's all lies.

Okay?

You're not so dumb,

are you?

[instrumental music]

How are the puppies, Mr. Meyers?

(man on radio)

'...and a first down

at our 45-yard line.'

'And even with five minutes left

in this first quarter'

'the stands are not

quite filled.'

'The massive crowd that's

trying to reach the stadium'

'has brought traffic to

a veritable standstill outside.'

[whistles]

Hey, meatball!

What are you doing,

stealing the car?

What are all them

slobs yelling at?

Ah, I don't know,

Mr. Meyers.

Ain't no score yet.

Got the ball on the 38.

Oh, yeah? Whose 38?

Uh...I-I don't know.

I promised your brother

I'd take care of you

so will you stop

playing pocket pool

keep your hands on the wheel

and drive slow!

Or is that

too much to ask?

(man on radio)

'...a hand-off,

and, oh, what a pileup'

'right at the line

of scrimmage, no gain.'

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