Freebie and the Bean Page #6

Want some ice?

For red wine?

Tell me about that book.

- T.E. Lawrence.

- Yeah.

Well, it's kind of intellectual

but I think what it really is

is an adventure story.

There's this guy

who dresses up

in these wild Arab costumes

and becomes their leader.

They do all sorts

of incredible things.

They-they sabotage,

and they blow up trains.

They get into

these bloody battles

and everything goes flying,

arms, legs, heads.

It's really terrific

action stuff.

I think you'd like it.

Hmm, I saw the movie.

Oh, well,

then you know what I mean.

Yeah, I remembered it as being

about a guy who uh,

couldn't make up his mind

whether to um, ball a

dried-up water hole or a camel

'or maybe even a clean Arab boy'

and while he's deciding

he happens to kill off

half of Arabia.

[giggles]

A-plus.

Yeah.

You know, you don't

have to be ashamed

that you know, you went

to college and I didn't.

'You know, I mean,

I do know the difference'

between Zane Grey

and T.E. Lawrence.

Would you tell me

some Zane Grey stories?

Sure.

First I, uh, I got to meet Bean.

[indistinct chattering]

[snoring]

[sighs]

[snoring]

They're charging the house!

[laughing]

Whoa!

[instrumental music]

Come on, will you?

Come on!

Whoa whoa whoa Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na whoa

Whoa Na Na whoa Na Na

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na

Na-Na Na Na Na

[screams]

- Oh!

- Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

Jesus Christ!

Look what you did

to my Goddamn lip.

You do that again, bud,

you are gonna die!

- I'm gonna what?

- You're going to f***ing die!

Die, you wanna fight me,

you jackoff, do you?

I was right!

I was right!

Look what you did--

What do you mean,

you were right?

What if there was a guy

behind you?

I know there's no guy behind me!

What if there was

a guy with a gun behind you?

I know there wasn't one!

Never touch my guns!

Never look at them.

You understand that?

- You through?

- Yeah.

Well, then apologize

to my Goddamn lip!

You apologize about my gun.

You apologize to this!

Apologize about my gun

I'll apologize about your lip.

I apologize to your Goddamn gun.

I apologize about your lip.

Alright.

Alright.

You know, my wife

has been acting

really weird lately.

'She's been cooking good.'

'The kids are dressed.'

They're clean.

She looks terrific.

She's been singing

around the house.

Singing around the house?

Went into the bathroom

yesterday morning.

There's a fresh tube

of shaving cream sitting there.

I'd run out the day before.

I hadn't said anything about it.

Any idea who the guy is?

- What guy?

- The guy.

I didn't say anything

about any guy.

See, I mean, I didn't mean

to, you know, jump..

You know, imply that there was

a guy, understand?

- Yeah, no, I know that.

- I just thought maybe..

I was just passing on some

general information, you know.

I-I wasn't talking

about any guy.

I was just making uh,

some hypothetical statements.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, uh, a conjecture.

Yeah.

You got any idea

who the guy could be?

I think I know who the guy is.

There's this landscape gardener

that works down the block.

- He's got these two big dogs.

- Yeah?

'Anyway, for about 4 months now'

every time I go in the backyard

there's a new plant back there.

Plus the fact that there's crap

all over the yard

and big holes with bones

in it everywhere.

'You know what I'm saying?'

What do you think we, uh..

What do you think we do?

I'm going to catch them

in the act

and I'm going to blow

their Goddamn heads off.

To me, that's, uh..

That's a little drastic,

ain't it?

Yeah, but they're crapping up

my whole lawn.

But I mean, your wife, man..

Don't have any time

to deal with that right now.

I mean I have more important

things to do.

Listen, uh, I want to go

talk to this guy?

No, just don't bug me

about it, okay?

Le-let me talk to the guy.

I'll go talk to him.

No, I can do my own talking.

I can do my own talking.

I don't need your help.

Come on, We'll take

a little break, huh?

We'll check things out.

No, I'll stay with you.

Come on,

I'll give you a ride home.

What about Red Meyers?

What, are you kidding me?

He's got half the muscle

in the world in there.

'Picture Michigan Phil

walking in there?'

He's got enough hardware in

there to start World War III.

- Come on.

- No, I don't wanna go home.

'Come on!'

'Hey, you Goddamn animal.'

Remember that.

Maybe we'll get along.

Come on.

[snoring]

Get outta here!

Get out of here, you bastard!

[dog whimpering]

[speaking in foreign language]

Talk American, you b*tch

American, you spend American.

Talk American.

[speaking in foreign language]

You come home

for a couple of hours..

[speaking in foreign language]

Sleeping,

that's all you do these days.

[speaking in foreign language]

Mow the lawn yourself.

Pendejo!

Get outta here!

I'll kill you!

Desgraciado.

Yelling at the dog.

But why not?

Hit him.

Go ahead, yell at him.

He loves you.

I don't want him to love me.

Anyway, he doesn't love me,

he loves the smell

of TV dinners, lunches.

Hey, come here!

Come here!

See that?

'Get outta here!'

[dog barking]

Where are you going?

[speaking in foreign language]

Parents night at school?

It's 1 0:
30.

Yeah, I'm late.

[door closes]

[instrumental music]

Twenty-seven messages.

Fourteen messages.

Thirty-two messages.

(male #6)

'Hello there, Acme Landscaping'

'is closed for the night.'

'When you hear the tone,

you have 1 0 seconds'

'to leave your message.'

[beep]

Keep your frigging dogs

off my lawn!

You gonna be home tonight, huh?

No, I gotta go to work.

Oh, you be a good boy, huh?

[singing in foreign language]

[shrieks]

(Freebie)

'Hey, kid, see this?'

Well, look at it!

'We got a tip.'

'This guy's gonna come

in here and order some shoes.'

- Size 1 0 and a half.

- So what?

So what?

We're police officers.

Give him the shoes

and keep your mouth shut.

When he leaves, uh..

'...press that P.A. button

over there and say'

uh, uh..

"'Service on alley 6."

alright?'

Yeah, I got it.

Okay.

If you catch the guy,

do I get a reward?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah, you get your picture

in the paper

so that when his friends

come to thank you

they'll know

what you look like.

Look at these pictures.

These are unbelievable.

- Will you look at this?

- Yeah!

They used to staple

these together.

They don't staple them anymore.

You know, anybody

can come in here, anybody!

And these kids,

they'll take them home

and they sprinkle on them.

Come on, we're not gonna find

Michigan Phil in here.

Let's go.

Fantastic.

You know what's fantastic?

You know,

that the Vice Squad guy

that covers this,

he must make $50 a week.

Do you believe that?

A lousy bowling alley?

(man) 'Hey Stan,

come on before they cool off...'

Can you imagine

what a newsstand is worth, huh?

I mean, it's beautiful.

- Are you listening to me?

- Yeah.

(male #7)

'Come on, one more game!'

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes