Friday the 13th Page #4

I'm not drinking that sh*t.

CHEWIE:
Fine.

-Oh, no.

-To aII the feIching...

-No. No.

-...weIching...

-Yes.

...pussies of the worId.

That's disgusting.

Oh!

[YELLS]

Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

What are you doing, NoIan?!

NoIan!

NoIan. Oh, my God.

NoIan.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

NoIan?

Oh, sh*t. Oh, my God.

What do you want from me?

Oh, my God.

[CRYING]

JENNA:
I never Iiked camp.

CLAY:
Why?

Bad food, bugs, cheap toiIet paper.

Know what? Wait. Maybe we shouId

check these cabins out, you know?

-Sure.

-Come on.

CLAY:
Let's just check out this Iast cabin,

then we'II head back.

Come on.

You reaIIy shouId caII the poIice.

CLAY:
I've aIready caIIed.

They're not Iooking for her anymore.

No one is, except for me.

Then they shouId Iook harder because--

Oh! Ow.

-You aII right?

-I'm okay, I'm okay.

CLAY:
You sure?

-Yeah.

CLAY:

Let's get out of here.

Watch your step.

Give me a sec,

I gotta change out my batteries.

[RUSTLING]

-Someone's coming.

-Oh, sh*t. Let's go.

Oh, my God.

CLAY:

Where's he going?

-Oh, my God. We gotta go.

-Shh.

-I gotta foIIow him.

JENNA:
He had a dead body.

-We gotta go. We gotta warn my friends.

-Okay, okay.

[METAL CLANKS]

[BELLS RING]

CLAY:
You okay?

JENNA:
Yeah.

What is that?

HeIp!

Come on, Iet's go.

-Yeah.

-Let's go.

HeIp me!

[WAILING]

HeIp me!

HeIp!

HeIp me!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

No. No.

[YELLING]

[SOBBING]

[SCREAMING]

PIease don't hurt me.

It's okay.

Jason.

It's okay.

[DOOR SLAMS]

CIay.

CLAY:

Sh*t.

Come on.

[CREAKING]

Sh*t.

-This way. Come on.

-Okay.

[SCREAMS]

[LYRICS BORN'S ''I LIKE IT, I LO VE IT''

PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]

In my next Iife...

...I wanna come back...

...as one of the buttons

on the ass pocket of her jean shorts.

-Just go over there and f***ing taIk to her.

-Are you kidding me?

I have a better shot at

f***ing a penguin than that girI.

-Let's Iight this bad boy.

-Great.

Here we go.

Yes.

CHEWIE:

Hey.

Here's to Daddy's shoes

and f***ing douche bags.

-Let's just aII be one big happy cIiche.

-Yes.

Dude, what the f***?

PIease, try not to burn down my house.

Did you forget how to drink that?

Just bring it to your Iips...

...bIow...

...and suck.

-You're reaIIy good at that.

-Mm-hm.

[SIZZLES]

[SCREAMS]

F***, dude!

You just broke my dad's f***ing chair.

CHEWIE:

My f***ing Iip, man.

I don't care about your f***ing Iip.

This is a famiIy heirIoom.

CHEWIE:
Oh, sh*t. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

-F***!

I just-- No, I can fix this.

I just need some tooIs.

-He can fix it.

-You better puII some MacGyver sh*t.

AII right, go to the tooIshed.

It's down the path.

Yeah, okay. I'm just--

Trent, I'm sorry, man.

You won't be disappointed.

They don't caII me ''wood wizard''

because I masturbate.

Grab a fIashIight, you f***ing idiot.

Thanks.

Forget about it. He'II fix it.

Let's go finish this.

That's a ugIy f***ing chair anyway.

CHEWIE:
My name is Trent.

My daddy bent me over this chair...

...and beat me when I was IittIe,

so you need to fix it.

Hey, now.

Yes.

[LAUGHS]

You peopIe are rich.

HoIy crap.

Poor peopIe caII this a house.

Jesus Christ.

You have never used this sh*t.

F***ing douche bag.

Skis. What the f***?

Ha! Ha!

''LagavuIin, product of ScotIand.''

Oh.

That just smeIIs Iike money.

I knew there was a reason

to be your friend, Trent.

More? Oh, absoIuteIy. No--

AII right, you don't have to force it on me.

F***.

You can grease wheeIs with this sh*t.

That's payment for being a douche bag.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. Your tits are stupendous.

Wow, you reaIIy know

how to make a girI feeI speciaI, huh?

That's what I do.

TRENT:

Yeah, they can go. Take off my pants.

They can go.

[JIMMY GRESHAM'S ''NO WAY TO

STOP IT'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]

Oh, man.

AII right. Let's see what you've got.

AII right, give me something, baby.

What you got for me? Give me something.

Goddamn. Not even a swimsuit? Sh*t.

Goddamn winter cataIog.

Oh, okay.

Gonna have to do.

Lady, I'm about to ruin your perfect day.

AII right.

Sh*t. You scared the piss out of me.

Where is everybody? There's a guy out there

carrying a dead body.

CLAY:

Jenna, where's the phone?

I don't know. Over there?

You f***ing with me because I'm high?

That's not cooI. I just finished smoking.

CLAY:

Where's the phone?

Hi, I want to report a homicide.

CIay MiIIer.

Yeah, I'm at a house by CrystaI Lake.

It's....

Yeah, that's it. Hurry.

They said they're sending someone.

-PoIice?

CLAY:
Yeah.

-Where is everybody eIse?

-I don't know. I've been here aII day.

CheIsea and NoIan Ieft, Iike,

hours ago to the Iake.

-WeII, what about Trent? Bree?

-They're in the bedroom.

[SANTOGOLD'S ''SHO VE IT (FEATURING

SPANK ROCK)'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]

[MO ANING]

-Your tits are f***ing just...

-I know.

...so juicy, dude.

You got perfect nippIe pIacement, baby.

This better not go on

the f***ing Internet.

You shouId win in a f***ing titty contest.

Trent, Bree. You guys in there?

Trent! Bree!

Shut the f*** up!

JENNA:

Get out here!

They're just f***ing with us.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

-Ignore her.

JENNA:
Come on, guys.

Get out here. There's a guy out there.

TRENT:
We're busy in here, baby.

-Trent.

[MO ANING]

Yeah.

Okay. AII right, Trent.

Let me educate you.

You ever seen a crossover before, huh?

I'm gonna show you right now.

I'II bet you never--

Whoa. Ow.

Jesus.

Hey.

Now, this is a man's sport.

You're even curved to the Ieft,

Iike my penis.

Okay, it's overtime. Line change.

Chewie's on the ice.

Send the puck around the back of the net.

Here we go. Pass back to the middIe. Oh!

Oh, my....

No, no, no.

Sh*t.

Sh*t.

Oh, God.

You scared the sh*t out of me, bro.

Are you Iooking for this?

Because it compIetes your outfit.

Oh, f***.

What the f***? Oh, Jesus.

[GRUNTING]

No.

[THUDS]

Oh, my God, baby. Getting cIose.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I got eight seconds,

then I'm going.

Oh, God.

[MO ANING]

Oh, God.

I'm going soon. I'm going.

[BOTH GRUNT]

No.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

That was....

Stupendous?

[LAUGHS]

To say the Ieast, yeah.

TRENT:
Who's messing with the Iights?

-Oh, sh*t. Chewie's stiII out there.

-Phone's dead. Do you have a ceII?

JENNA:
Nothing has a signaI.

What are you doing here?

JENNA:
Trent--

-Get the f*** out, buddy.

-Easy.

-He's just trying to heIp us.

You Ieave with this guy for eight hours,

f***ing aII over the woods?

You know what? Why don't both of you

just get the f*** out?

-There's a bigger probIem--

-Shut up.

Are you serious?

There is a kiIIer out there.

He's the one who cut the Iights.

Trent, don't you get it?

CheIsea and NoIan never came back.

Lawrence, what are you doing?

My boy's stiII out there.

I'm gonna go get him.

No, man. Don't go out there. PIease.

Look, I toId, aII right?

You can't get a handIe on me.

I'II surprise you every time.

Chewie?

Hey, Chewie?

Chew, you in there?

Chewie?

Chewie, you in here?

Oh, f***.

Get the f*** off me.

Take that, motherf***er.

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