Friends & Lovers Page #7

[Laughs] named gertie,

and my dad told me

that caged birds can't fly.

I mean, he said even if you

leave the cage door open,

they won't fly away.

They'll just...

Just stay there

in the safety of their cage.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

I loved gertie.

But you loved your father more.

What's that supposed to mean?

You opened the door.

Oh, god, Keaton,

it was so awful.

And?

And what?

And you opened the door and...

And she flew out the window

and down the street

and right into

the windshield of a bus.

I mean, it happened,

like, 2 seconds...

It was awful.

[Laughs]

[Scoffs] you laugh?

You know, my father laughed.

Oh, come on, Lisa.

What did you expect?

I wanted her to go free.

No, no, no. That's...

That's what you wanted.

What'd you expect?

I expected her

to stay in the cage

like a good bird,

like he told me she would.

I'll... I'll just assume

that whatever it was

that you wanted to tell

me out here in private

was in that story somewhere.

[Sighs]

Oh, f*** it.

Jane:
thank you.

For what?

Ugh. I was so hungry.

My pleasure.

[Laughs]

I wanna thank you.

For what?

Well, for everything, really.

Whoa, wow.

Well, uh, this is...

This is weird.

Ahem.

That's not right. You're my...

You're my best friend's

little sister.

It's not... that's...

It's too weird. It's not right.

Mo... mo... mo... mo...

Tel?

Motel? mm-hmm.

Motel. sounds good.

Motel.

No vacancies.

You know, it's Christmas Eve.

No room at the inn.

Um... is there

anyplace else around here?

I could check.

Great.

You know I've got

every hotel and motel

in the whole country right

here in this computer.

Right on.

Um, which way you headed?

East.

East.

[Computer beeps]

Nothing. nothing between

here and the coast.

Sh*t.

[Moaning]

Who's that?

[Doorbell rings]

And that will be... Ian.

Oh.

Is... is Ian with you?

It's that f***in' guy!

Come on in.

You must be freezing.

Yes, cold us.

Yes, hello.

We brought the mistletoe.

Who's next?

I can't take this anymore.

I've had it.

Ok, the champagne is this way.

Oh, ho, ho, dear. Come on.

Would you like some champagne?

Oh, thank you.

Good. you're welcome.

Hans:
I play piano

just a little bit,

but I'm singularly

inside my spirit guides,

which are coming

into my body right now.

They're saying there's a song.

Uh-huh.

Let me check.

Yes, a song is here,

and it's called Carla.

[Playing piano]

Hans:
a boy like me...

Are you all right?

I'm beginning to think

it's not the women.

That's impossible.

Who if not them?

My gun's for hire,

my horse enjoys a ride

Me.

Seek my vote

sleazy downtown girl

this fraulein Carla's

Got my head in a whirl,

my heart in a whirl, too

My universe in a whirl now

I know I gotta

hear her in everything...

[Stops playing]

Oh, thank you.

That was wonderful.

Yes, but now the song's

over, the libido's up,

so come on. May I

steal you away?

Ok.

Grab the champagne.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks.

So... are you guys, you know...

I don't know.

I haven't asked him yet.

What do you mean you

haven't asked him yet?

[Chuckles]

Ask him to hang

the mistletoe with you.

Hmm? the rest is automatic.

Manny, you wanna go outside

and help me hang the mistletoe?

Seein' as you're

tall and everything.

Sure.

Where are you going?

I am going upstairs

to tell that evil

two-timing ViXen

and her ski instructor

hans boyfriend

that I got firsts.

Be careful, dude.

I got it.

Yeah, that's cool.

There.

Yep, there it is.

Are you a single gay man?

No, I'm not.

I'm sorry.

Sorry?

What, that's it?

I'm supposed to just split now?

No, I just kinda

figured you'd want to.

Well, you figured wrong.

Ok.

Let's go play

some chess. Come on.

You know, to tell you the truth,

I don't know what I would've

done if you had said yes.

[Laughs] yeah, well,

neither do I.

So I was... I caught an

edge, and I fell down,

and this guy helped me,

so I thought...

David:
we're friends.

Is everybody

all right with that?

Great! great!

So I got up, and he

gave me back my poles.

I'm cold.

He kicked me.

[Laughs] she.

She.

I remember when I first

fell in love with you.

I had no idea what to say.

I spent 2 hours trying to

come up with an opening line

with one of my busboys

tito morales.

Next thing I knew,

he was using my line on you,

and I spent the summer

bussing his tables.

Does that sound familiar?

Yeah. he was cute.

[Laughs]

Ow.

Sorry. sorry.

I'm sorry. Ah, look at me.

I can't do it in a car,

and I don't want to.

This is our first time.

I want it to be special.

It should be special. Yeah.

I'll make it special.

It'll be special.

Oh, Ian... Ian, I'm serious.

What?

Come on.

Let's go back.

Back there? You gotta be crazy.

No way.

Come on, Ian.

It's 375 hours to your house,

and your dad's place

is just around the corner.

No.

It's final.

Oh, come on.

[Sighs]

Kiss?

Candy store's closed.

[Sighs]

Sh*t.

[Sharp exhale]

Oh, come on.

Jon, this is not a good thing.

Shh.

[Whispering]

or I can't hear anything.

Jon, there's a whole big, bright,

beautiful world out there

beyond the 5 inches

of your penis.

[Whispering] f*** you.

[Whispering] f*** you. F*** you.

Pssst!

F*** me.

[Whispering] Keaton! Keaton!

Keaton, Lisa, open this door!

Jon:
open this door, damn it!

Come on, guys, open up!

We need to talk about this!

Jon, this is not a good time!

Oh!

[Giggles]

Jon:
Keaton, Lisa,

open this door.

[Knocks at door]

Jon, piss off!

You're making

a terrible mistake!

Oh, god, Keaton,

squeeze 'em harder.

[Screams]

[Laughs] yeah.

Yeah, ow!

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

[Deep breathing]

Can I join you guys?

Hans is teaching me

how to meditate.

That's correct, Jon.

I believe the word

is "penetrate," Carla.

Oh.

No, Jon, and in order

for the pene...

Meditation to work,

I must... if you leave,

perhaps we find god.

Come on, Carla, you're not

really going for this crap.

This is the stupidest

come-on I have ever seen,

and I am the king of stupid.

Yeah, you can say that again.

Yes, you can, Jon,

because you are interrupting!

Forget about him.

You just relax.

Keep the eyes closed.

The white light is atop.

Visualize the light come

down the top of the head.

I will deal with the

problem called Jon!

[Deep exhales]

I can't find the white light.

It's too dark in here.

Jon, Jon, if you please.

Everything I do with Carla

is on your behalf.

I cleanse the chakras,

I start with the heart,

I go to the plexus,

I deal with the spleen,

I arrive at the root,

and then she is all yours.

[Sighs]

This guy is offering

me sloppy seconds.

Can't believe that he's

offering me sloppy seconds.

Ah, I could live with that.

Gentlemen...

We're outta here.

Where we goin'?

There's a whole big, bright,

beautiful world out there

beyond the 7 inches of my penis,

and I intend to explore it.

David:
really?

Really.

[Car stereo blaring]

Jon, please, just stop.

No, just one more try.

Uh, excuse me, miss? Yes?

Hi. hi.

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